This was pretty funny, we all know a Hal. I know one who is so bad I tell him the times or movies or parties wrong just so he shows up only a little late.
The only thing that got me was the sentence "However, Hal was a good worker... he just couldn't get to work on time. He would get" It just doesn't sound right, I think if you lost the "however" and put an "of course" after worker it would read a lot better. thats just my opinion though.
I like the symmetry between his excuses and the reason his body was late for the funeral. it was better than making up something different. I liked it, good job.
I liked this, and I'm about to read the second chapter. But there was one part that broke the flow so I'm going to point it out.
"he didn’t look like he belonged with the three colonists. " this does not sound right as he is one of the three, it might sound better if you say he didn't look like he belonged with the other two. I'm not trying to nit pick you, but like i said, it breaks the flow.
other than that I like the main character and I get the feeling that her father is a real bastard, testing on his own daughter? thats Mengele level bad guy stuff.
This reminds me of stranger than fiction. I liked it. especially the homeless guy. He was a hoot. Stan however has a few loose ends that as a reader I would like to know about. first off, does he stop acting like such a dick after his epiphany? or is he a sometimes tardy dick now? does he at some point acknowledge to the homeless guy that he was wrong?
this might bring more closure to the story as well as give a chance for the homeless guy to say something funny.
other than that I enjoyed it, keep up the good work.
this was really funny. I liked the alien, I especially liked how it never spoke but just did things to annoy Gerald. I don't think you need to mention his wifes name though just say "Your flatulence alone is enough to make me long for my wife's nagging.” that sentence seemed awkward and broke the flow, something like that I think might work better. besides if you just mention Gerald and Krill by name then there is a balance to the story in that the only people who have names are the ones who are suffering from this deal.
other than that, top marks.
I like this but there are things that I think can improve it.
lets start with the men. none of them are described. Big, small, goofy, elegant, shaved or stubble faced. a person who has no description is hard to emphasize with. it adds extra depth to the story as well.
second, the alien. all it did was "babble" (I liked the use of that word it was kind of funny) and then telaport. it was described so thats good but to give it a feel it either needs dialog or action. if its totally alien then it will do something odd, if its more of a foil for humans it will have some sort of human action like cocking its head to the side while it watches the guards.
I liked it, if it was more in depth it would better. keep it up, and I hope this was useful in some way.
its well thought out but lacks excitement early on and you use "he" way too much. this is easy enough to fix. describe the fire, how might it have started? give jaspers thoughts on the matter.
as for the "he" thing heres an example of how you might change the wording so that you don't use that word all the time, and also so you don't use his name constantly instead of he.
instead of:
"He had awoken choking and coughing from the smoke billowing all around him. Had he been a deep sleeper he would have been toast. He had high tailed it out of there with only his jockey shorts and tee shirt."
try:
choking on smoke is a terrible alarm clock, especially in the middle of the night. a lighter sleeper might have been toast though so Jasper didn't complain...."
something like that i'm not saying my example is any good lol.
just juggle the words around and you can avoid using any word you want to. I had the same issue with a story of mine i used the word seemed like 20 times it was awful. but its an easy thing to fix so good luck.
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