I enjoyed reading your poem about a boy and his friend, a sycamore tree. It brought to mind the images of a young boy seeing the world from high atop a tree. Then the tree stood guard over his grave, another powerful image. The subject of this poem is interesting and makes the reader want to read on.
One suggestion I might offer is that there needs to be a bit of a bridge between the young boy and the grave. Perhaps a stanza depicting his meeting a girl (their sitting under the tree, his head in her lap), their children growing up in the yard with the tree watching, etc. Alternately, did the boy die young in an accident or due to disease? Some glimpse of what transpired between the second and third stanzas would make the poem seem more complete to me.
Overall, I am pleased to have read your your poem. Nice job!
I found this poem on Read & Review. I much enjoyed the read of your poem. The end-rhymes are well done; the poem flows nicely; and the emotional impact touches the reader. You paint the scene extremely well. All in all, this is an excellently penned poem.
I found your poem on Read & Review. It (Onzain Neerlandaise)was a new poetic format to me. You followed the required format quite well, meeting all the prerequisites. It was well rhymed, especially since the topic of the poem was financial security. It was an interesting read and an interesting poetic format. Well done!
I found this older (2009) poem of yours on R&R. I enjoyed the read of this. The flow is quite nice, and the poem is filled with wonderful imagery. The b-d rhymes are well-done. The accompanying picture fits with the poem's content nicely. You did a very good job with this poem.
I found this on R&R. I enjoyed reading the poem and was introduced to ZaniLa Rhyme. The format required seemed to be followed well, except should stanza 1 have seven syllables instead of its current nine in its second line? The rhyming was well done throughout. You did an excellent job with this poem.
I found your poem on R&R, and I am pleased I did so. The poem brought back a myriad of memories to many people, I'm sure, of childhood visits to a grandparent's house. It was wonderful in the details it displayed, as well as poignant in how the grandmother in the poem was unable to give and receive warmth from her family members. It spoke to a hard life she must have lived. The poem was thought-provoking. I enjoyed the read.
I enjoyed reading your poem about a smart woman. It was well-written overall. However, the grammar could use a bit of attention:
When I was young and foolish(,) = insert comma
I had a wife and she[,] = delete comma
and swear to God it(')s true = it's for it is
who is twice as smart as you(.) = insert period
Your poem gives its message well. The rhyming couplets worked okay for the most part. I think the poem would read better and have more impact if you divided it into related stanzas. Plus the second line is awkward due to "The drink and drugs ..." Perhaps "Drugs and drink had messed ..." would be better.
I'd suggest you consider an opening couplet, followed by a 4-line stanza, then ending with a second 4-line stanza. In other words, have a break after the second and after the sixth lines.
I'd insert "Then" to open the third line: Then I found ...
Finally, The last two end-rhymes do not work well = understanding / thing. I'd rewrite the last line to end with a word that rhymes better (such as demanding, commanding, etc.) Perhaps something like: I'll achieve my goal, no matter how demanding.
My above suggestions are for you to consider and do with as you wish.
I see you are a new member to Writing.com. Welcome aboard! I hope you will enjoy being a member here.
I found this poem on Read & Review. The Alouette format interested me. You met all the required specifications perfectly. Plus the read was entertaining, with good flow and nicely rhymed. Good job!
I believe you need to insert an apostrophe in the fifth line of the first stanza after mermaids:
feeling mermaids charms, mermaids' charms (if plural mermaids).
Your poem expresses well your feelings of betrayal. Your repeats of the first stanza worked okay for me. However, I would suggest changing the line "He that would love me" to read "He who would love me." I would also insert a comma after he at the end of the second line. Using correct punctuation throughout would improve the reading of the poem.
The last couplet reads a bit awkwardly to me. I'd suggest you take another look at how it reads.
This is a good first effort. Just a bit of tweaking would improved it into a good finished poem.
I see you are a new member to Writing.com. Welcome aboard! I hope you will enjoy the site.
Excellent. Truly excellent poetry! The flow was wonderful. The end-rhyming was quite well done overall. You used all the words required in the challenge in an appropriate manner. I can see why this poem was a contest winner. This is marvelous writing.
I have no suggestions to make for any improvement, except for rather picayune points such as the inconsistency of line lengths between lines 1 and 2 of stanza 3 and the rhyming of grave with enslaved (better if could make it enslave, as perhaps: for us it did successfully enslave.)
(I always like to give suggestions for improvement, but you made it extremely difficult for me to do so with this wonderful write.)
I enjoyed reading your political poem. I like political poems and those brave enough to write them.
Your poem speaks to the failure of the citizens of this country to live up to the high ideals given by our Founding Fathers. I fear the answer lies in the requirement for humans to evolve into better beings who have overcome intolerance, hatred, greed, and fear.
One suggestion for your consideration:
When the seeds of your greatness lays in
the second paragraph
of The Declaration of Independence. >>> This is an incomplete sentence as written. Perhaps omit the "When". Should the verb be "lies" instead of "lays" here?
This is a fun activity that works well because it is both interesting and short to do. This combination encourages widespread participation from site members. I applaud you for coming up with this challenge.
Here is my entry:
Once upon a time there was a great herd of unicorns roaming lands across the earth. Every day, hunters would come and kill as many of the unicorns as they could because their golden horns were quite valued among men. One day, the various rulers of all the lands, recognizing that unicorns were becoming scarce, agreed it would be a great shame if all the unicorns vanished from the earth, and so they put the remaining unicorns under their protection and forbade anyone to kill a unicorn henceforth. Because of that, the price of unicorn horns skyrocketed, making it worth much more than gold on the black market. Poachers were willing to risk imprisonment or even death to secure the few remaining prized unicorn horns. These poachers continued to slaughter what few unicorns they could still find. Wealthy men paid exorbitant prices to possess the ever-more-precious unicorn-horn powder. Until finally, it came to pass that not a single unicorn survived. All that remained of this noble beast was the memory of how magnificent it had been. The poachers now had to turn their attention to finding a replacement for their black market trade. They settled upon the rhinoceros, the elephant, and the tiger. Now these species also are becoming far too scarce. Will Mankind repeat the mistake made with the unicorn, or will the lesson of the unicorn be remembered?
I enjoyed reading your poem. The content was thought-provoking and spoke well to the way one looks at changes in himself/herself versus changes perceived in others. It made its point subtly. Nicely done! I did notice that the second stanza used end-rhymes whereas the other three stanzas did not. Was this done deliberately?
I see you are new to Writing.com. Welcome aboard! I hope you will enjoy being an active member here.
I found your poem on Read & Review. Its content is emotionally charged and leaves the reader wanting to know more. You have the makings of a very good poem. However, capitalizing the first word of each line and putting a period of the end of each line even if the line is only a sentence fragment detracts from the comprehension of the poem. I'd recommend that you rework the poem using correct grammar and punctuation throughout. For example these lines:
I know I promised you things,
such as a lifetime of experiences,
all of my forever, in its entirety.
However, everything is changing constantly,
including the weather outside,
our days spent alive,
even us as human beings.
My suggestions are made for your consideration and to do with as you please.
I see you are a new member to Writing.com. Welcome aboard! I hope you will enjoy being an active member here.
I came across this poem on Read & Review. The poem is quite emotional, being a poem about a father letting down his daughter on her wedding day. The heading says it is biographical. If this is about you, I am sorry this happened to you. As for the poem, it is nicely done with good end-rhymes that follow the rhyme scheme well. I am glad I got to read it.
I found this poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed the read and its historical subject matter. You captured the incidence quite well. The end-rhymes were nicely done overall. I commend you for summarizing the situation in such a well-written piece.
This is a well-written Roundel. The requirements are nicely met, and the subject matter should speak to all readers. I am glad I found this poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it.
I enjoyed reading your poem and learning about Shān Shŭi. The poem flows well, keeps the 8-syllable per line count throughout, and is well rhymed. The second and third verses have great imagery. This poem is quite well written.
I found your poem on Read & Review. It caught my eye since I was born in October. Your acrostic poem captures many memories of the typical October - changing colors in the leaves, Halloween with its candy loot, weather turning colder heading into winter. I much enjoyed the read. This is a nicely written acrostic with pleasing end-rhymed lines.
I encountered your poem on the Read & Review link. I like the content of the poem. It makes the case for how Mankind threatens the survival of numerous animal species. It is a thought-provoking piece.
A few comments for your consideration:
"Humans render these species more and more extinct" I think you are either extinct or you're not. This is like saying more and more dead. Perhaps you meant render more and more species extinct?
"While maintaining its protective grip >>> I'm not sure humankind's grip can be called protective.
On these desperately threatened
And nearly extant species." >>>> Extant means not destroyed but still in existence. Not proper here.
Avoid overly embellishing descriptions: the prodigious And glorious Earth. / highly libidinous aphrodisiacs.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. Good message!
This review you wrote marking your 1,000th public review is indeed a milestone. I liked the way you shared what you've gained in the process and the people you've met along the way. I think your 1,000th public review going to Dr M C Gupta was appropriate since he has given you the most reviews in return. Also, naming others who have reviewed your work is a nice touch.
I am pleased writing reviews has been such a rewarding experience for you and helped you improve your writing abilities. Perhaps this review you've written will inspire others to review more themselves.
Congratulations on your 1,000th public review that you have written. Thank you for being such an active reviewer here. Sending and receiving reviews of our work makes us all better writers.
I saw your story poem in the Action/Adventure newsletter. I'm glad to see this format from you. You told a good story that held my interest to the end. Your end-rhymes are well done. Overall, an excellent story poem.
Should "a fools gunfight" in the last stanza's first line be "a fool's gunfight"?
I am returning the favor of a review. I liked this poem very much. It has many great images of winter approaching in Yellowstone National Park.
There are some technical issues that might be improved, such as having three different stanza sizes in the four stanzas. Also, rhymes with one ending in "s" throws off the rhyme = shines / align and pots /lot. A bit of reworking could remedy these.
Overall, the poem is quite enjoyable and a worthwhile read for all.
Regards,
Harry
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/harryg
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.20 seconds at 12:33pm on Dec 23, 2024 via server WEBX2.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
