Wonderful piece. The last line of the second stanza seems it could have been worded better- seems a little sucked out the pen. And I don't think you need the ellipses at the end of the third stanza.
Other than those tiny things, I think the piece is beautifully written. It flows nicely and evokes the feeling of awe and wonderment- nice job.
Very nice imagery and visualization here. I do feel like the reader is left with a rather abrupt ending. You had such a wonderfully painted introduction, it seems a shame to snatch it up with a no conclusion. Fade it out the way it faded in and I think your readers will thank you for it.
Overall, great style- I like how even I felt a little confused, much like your main character here. Keep up the good work and practice on finishing as well as you begin :)
Very thought provoking. I liked the immediate jump into the father's head- you wasted no time getting to the point which made your piece that much more poignant. Great work :)
Ha very clever! Small, tiny notes: "Every one" in your second stanza is actually one word. And I'm having trouble understanding that whole line. I'm also having trouble understanding the fourth line of the third stanza. I would love for you to enlighten me!
Your word choice here is interesting... very true to the culture. It is a little hard to grasp the images I see you creating, but I think that may have more to do with limitations in this style of poetry rather than your limitations as a poet. Try to find a way to say exactly what you mean- leaving no question in the reader's mind that THIS is the image you intended.
Absolutely beautiful. The rhythm seemed a little off in some places but the whole concept of your poem is deep, insightful, and well executed. Nice work!
Nice imagery, but why is it rated 18+?
Beginning with "and" makes it feel as if there was something we've missed before. Rhythmically, it doesn't sound like your line needs the word "and" specifically- I would suggest re-working the beginning to grab the reader more quickly rather than have it read as if we're seeing the last half of this piece.
Other than that tiny thing, great work. You really captured a raw emotion here- well done.
wonderful! even though there were no "stanzas" i still felt the rhythm of the piece. and great job translating to the reader what was going on in your mind. so many times, I read poetry where the poet keeps this... artistic secret and he/she won't let you in on it- but you described and explained everything so nicely. great work :)
Incredibly beautiful and moving. You told a complete story from beginning to end and developed your young vet so well that I truly connected with him. Gave me chills at the end- wonderful work :)
Really wonderful piece! Even before I read your closing paragraphs, I could feel the religious undertones in your story- it almost sounded like an old native american tale in a way. My only suggestion is to incorporate formatting in your next work. It's a tiny detail but it can really help drive home your important points if done correctly. Very nice work. Your message is a good and true one. Keep writing!
The second and third stanza don't quite match the rhythm in the first and last stanzas. I think you suffer from trying to say too much. You can say the same things (even use many of the same word choices) but with less words. That will help cut down the length of lines, making your rhythm consistent throughout your piece.
Fantastic work. I really love the subject matter and how you call out your reader (or whoever this is addressed to) at the end. Really great :) Fix the few rhythmic problems and it's golden!
Very good beginning! I want to know what happens next! My only suggestion would be to take your time pulling your audience along in this story. Really describe that catch on the clock and the ornate clock design. Obviously, it's special since it flung open and released cold air, knocking our heroine unconscious. Make us really afraid when the guards enter, etc. The basis is fantastic, just elaborate more and give us more to chew on :) Great work!
Tragically beautiful. I like the comparison of night and day to the ups and downs of relationships. Sometimes, we're in darkness and sometimes we're in the sun. Beautiful imagery- great job!
I'm not sure I get it haha, but it's really clever! I enjoyed reading it- it was still funny to read what the roosters were thinking. A smart way to express another point of view :)
My only suggestion is to add a little more set up to your dialogue. You could have done a lot with the imagery in this scene.
Incredible! Such a beautiful way to write of something so tragic. I love the perspective you have for Eli and how you make us connect with him- making his death that much more emotional. Great work. I think the beginning could use some tightening up. There isn't anything in the first paragraph that I didn't get in his first letter home. Maybe add some extra details to the letter and I think you could totally do without the first three paragraphs. I wasn't grabbed right away by the opening section- the letter would snatch up your reader much quicker. That's just a style choice of mine though so take it with a grain of salt! Love your work.
-H
Check out my newest short story, "Noble"! Feedback is always appreciated
It grabs me right away and makes me want to keep reading! But at the end, I felt more confused when I really wanted chills running down my spine. You definitely have a gift for grabbing your audience, just make sure you fill them in on the whole story. We want to know! Great work
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/haleyg88
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 4:36pm on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
