It makes me so mad to hear stories like this. I hate people that abuse others like that. Especially when it is their own parents. It just stabs me in the most tender places of my hearts and resounds all the horrors of this world.
My only suggestions writing wise is to reread through it. There are a few places where you have typo's, but overall this was magnificent.
It was touching, and moving, and most of all you need to know that you couldn't have helped it any more than the other kids. You were just a child. And I know you to be a wonderful person that would lay your life down if it meant sparing someone else an ounce of pain.
Take care, and keep writing these insightful and breathtaking pieces.
Interesting beginning to a story. You help to develop a profile for each character, and set up a background for everything that is about to happen.
Some suggestions I would have are: look over your sentences, be careful of mistypes, and don't be afraid to say things like, "She said." When you add too many actions to a dialogue it begins to drag the pace down.
Interesting story! I do have quite a few suggestions to make though.
To start, I think you did a pretty good job overall with the interaction of the father and the daughter. Her dialogue was pretty genuine to her age and I like how the father tended to reply with the normal fatherly fair.
I do think you drag out certain instances too long though. I understand that you are trying to draw out the suspense, but personally it seems like the descriptions you give begin to weigh down the overall story.
Yet very good overall!
There were a few grammar points though, my first example being in the first paragraph:
He was a short pudgy man stuffed into a(n) olive-green uniform
I know in the past few reviews I've sent you pretty much the same thing, but I figured this time I might just make a suggestion/example for you.
Near the end of the story, this paragraph stood out in my mind:
“And mine at yours good sir, my name is Emily, Emily Smith, and if I may be so bold, I have a room to let and I would be happy to have a gentleman lodger.” she replied graciously. Vincent looked around worriedly: on one hand he did need to get on the track of this demon but on the other he found this lady to be somewhat compelling. After an intense internal battle he came to a conclusion.
You need to be careful of using too much description in your characters movements and speech mannerisms. Try and let your characters show themselves, without your direct wording, that they would talk like this.
An example might be that when Vincent first meets the woman you could say she might seem inviting, or caring, or something akin to this. That way your reader might see it within their own head without you having to actually say it.
Stephen King made an example like this in his book about writing:
Which sentence is more powerful?
"Oh my god," Jennifer screamed in fear!
"Oh my god," Jennifer screamed!
"Come over here," John whispered quietly.
"Come over here," John whispered.
Not that it is a bad thing to use sentences like that, just be careful of overuse!
Apologies for the extremely long review, but good work and keep writing!
You are moving the story in a stronger direction in the second character, but many of my beliefs are still holding true from the first chapter.
I think, moreso than in the first chapter, you need to watch your grammar. These issues are all easily worked out in the rewrite cycle though.
There were still a few times where I felt a bit lost, and I can't help but to feel that using the word "inquisition" over and over again in the last few paragraphs is almost grating. I can see you are trying to show the monotany of the job, but be careful! There are many ways you can do it without simply using the words repeatedly.
Your story was interesting and did a pretty good job of hooking the reader :) I thought it was overall written well, but I do have my suggestions for you.
My first suggestion would be to watch out how you use your sentences. It seems that most of the story is written in very short, terse sentences that almost make me feel like a car is accelerating slightly and then braking suddenly.
Also, try to switch your use of personal nouns up. Almost every single sentence seems to start with 'he'.
Overall though I think you did a wonderful job and keep on writing! :)
Wow! I really like the transition from fantasy to bleak reality.
I do see a few problems in this, most of which is located in the beginning of the poem. There seems to be a few places where the rhythm is broken up by some unsteady word choice.
An example would be this:
Human sages delve into archaic tomes,
With forests filled with pixies, nymphs and gnomes,
Although tomes and gnomes have the same "omes" part, they have two distinctly different sounds. Tomes is more of an "oo" sound gnomes has an "oh".
I thought it was great overall and keep up the good work!
Interesting. I think this could turn into a pretty fun adventure story. I've always been fascinated with topics like this and so I will give you my opinion thus far:
I think you tread too closely to stereotypes. Be careful! Try and seperate yourself from the average hunter stereotypes. The beginning paragraph sounded like something I've heard a hundred times.
I think, near the end of this little piece, you got into a groove with your writing. Your description was spot on and I felt like I could feel and see these beings.
Be careful though because at the same time I began to feel a bit lost. Make sure to draw distinct lines of who is talking and when, along with their accompanying actions.
Not bad. You have some pretty cool concepts. As I finish the story though I wonder who this girl is and why is the door like that? Why can't people see it and why does it capture people? Significance of grass?
Besides that I think you have a good ability to balance between too much and just enough description. I would just say to read through your writing and pay attention to the flow of the work.
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