I am not well educated toward literary's concern of what is good poetry. What I look for in rhyming poetry, beyond emotional impact, is meter, language, and form. Love song achieves all three quite well. These following two lines were exceptional to me:
Then do whispers divine and exalted give light
To the life that we share and the love that one knows
Will forever be held in our hearts and our souls.
and:
We are lost in the rush of a living that flows,
Of a life that is spent in the moment.
These lines have heart and reach to the core of me. Great job.
One negative I might mention is that when working so hard to write in a certain form, one may not always be successful in the emotional strength of the poem. I did not feel the ache and torture I must assume this man's heart felt for the loss of his one true love.
In the last paragraph it is revealed that he has hardened his heart and he selfishly misses her (as one would, but why present it that way). This is a cold step away from the wondrous love he enjoyed while she lived. For me, it leaves little room for the reader to care. Typically, we are unconcerned about those that harden their hearts and step out of the world. For all the emotion this man felt and the wisdom he recognized about life and love, he just betrays himself and falls flat at the end.
You have a good way with words. Some lines in your story are spectacular, painting pictures in my mind like a Van Gogh. The way you use language might be archaic to some, but I thrill on it. The pacing was fine, your protagonist very well defined, as well as much of the settings. I didn't particularly like this guy, but I was enthralled with the overall portrayal of him and what was happening.
You have left a word out here and there, so please go back over this story with a fine-toothed comb (check grammar also), it's worth it.
The ending was disappointing. Trite and predictable, like you felt you had to wrap it up. It was definately not up to the standard this story demands. I hope you'll rethink it. If you make changes please let me know, I'd love to read it again. Greyson
I like this poem. It's poignant and sad, yet hope lingers. I would change the last line because hope is a continuous thread throughout the poem, so it doesn't fit, and don't take it from the reader. There are a few editorial things, like spelling (anticipates, anguish), that could be improved. A couple of word choices seem incomplete or inaccurate (shun, engraved). This poem builds some, but it could be more powerful. Please put some thought into this because you clearly, wonderfully, define this woman but I felt I was left hanging at the end (because I didn't believe the last line).
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/greysonlambro
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 3:44pm on Nov 16, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
