A general comment before I begin: I really like the titles to your poems! They are succinct, to the point and yet really set the scene for what is to come!
I have re-read this poem 10 times now and still am not sure what to make of it. My interpretation is that you seem to have used human images in the first stanza followed by celestial images in the second. This, if true, works really well in my mind. The images of clutching hands demonstrate a person who is still trying and paints a really heartbreaking image.
I would be interested to hear back from you what your aims were here for rhythm. I could make comments like: you need to say "the glitter of sun" instead of "the glitter of THE sun" to match up the rhythm but if your intentions were to write it with a liberal rhythmic pattern then these comments would be pointless!
The poem paints an important (if slightly 'hidden') message that you cant do it on your own and also the world isn't always as scary and bad as it seems!
Well done - something different again!
Thanks
Greg
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This seems very different to the other poems of yours I have reviewed - a lot more pain and torture as one might expect from the title and description!
I liked the structure of the poem - very rigid and if i were a literature geek i would say that reflects on how the person in the poem is trapped in their mind and unable to be free!
There are some great lines like the mention of a "Iago-like smile" but also some weaker line such as the one that immediately follows it. i know it's very hard when writing a poem in this genre not to sound too superficially 'emo' and you have on the whole done a very good job of steering away from that sterotype with possible the most diverse vocabulary I have seen in this genre! Re-reading it I would say that the line "The hurt, the pain cutting through." is the only line which stands out as weaker althuogh you might want to check your punctuation/syntax on the line "Yet I suffer, I cry within endlessly." to avoid the reader reading it as you cry within a place called "endlessly" if that at all makes sense?
On the whole this was a surprisingly brilliant read considering the genre - you've done all those tortured souls proud!
Thanks
Greg
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I just wrote you an extensive review of this piece and then for some reason got logged out! I shall try my best to re-do it (although in a possibly more succinct way)
I loved this poem - you really like your illiteration don't you. Have you heard of the welsh poet Dylan Thomas? Lines like "The drab brown dominates its lean
Green, but the bleak turns" remind me very much of hs work - this being the highest compliment I can pay!
I have read this poem more times than I can count and can't find any major problems.
If i had to be majorly picky (in an attmept to be vaguely helpful) I would say the focus of the third stanza is slightly unclear - who is remembering etc. However it is still poetically brilliant and this was very close to a full 5 star rating.
I liked this so much I think I am going to place it in my highlighted items
Well done on a fantastic piece and don't hesistate to contact me about anything here!
Thanks
Greg
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This poem is good in a more unconventional way to standard but then i suppose that reflects the style of the poem.
Of course I have to begin with the incredible use of illiteration here. I am not going to point all of the examples out because there are many but suffice to say it works well. I always think that you don't have to be a good poet to use illiteration but you have to be a great poet to use it with any degree of success. You pulled this off really well i felt, and with lines like:
"under the dead weight
of man’s desecration"
I'm sure noone will be arguing with me on that point!
You are dealing with an array of very controversial issues here and so all I would say is be careful to not barrage the reader with too many thoughts - a thought might be to asign an 'issue' to each stanza?
This is especially relevant in the third stanza where the issues seem to confuse as shootings is schools is followed by incurable loneliness and then increasing divorces. This succession of thoughts seems both semantically and also chronologically sporadic!
The last thing I'll say is the word "indefatigable." is a truly admirable choice of vocabulary but i will say, hits the reader like a tonne of bricks! The storyline is followed and suddenly this word appears! I would be interested to hear your feedback on why you used this word.
All in all this is an incredibly powerful poem and a good read! I hope this is helpful and doesn't offend you in any way!
I'm now off to find more of your stuff to review.
Keep on writing!
Greg
Half poem, half exceedingly dramatic prose! This piece is certainly hard hitting and in parts very effective. The lack of punctuation serves well to reflect the ongoing ruthless nature of time and shows that you are not only restricted to words to convey your meaning.
The use of archaic lexicon such as "hath" and archaic old english syntax as seen in the line "And here am I a sallow soul", at first seem pretentious but, on closer inspection, (whether intended or not) convey the mystery of time and its omnipresence by mixing new and old writing styles. If i had to comment on this bit it would be maybe to extend the mixture of old english and modern english techniques to further and more clearly emphasise this point.
I'll just list a few more comments on the poem before summarising. Hope you understand this is to make the review helpful and not harsh or critical. Just my opinion!
The lines which start 'despite' towards the end of the poem are a very nice idea but might work better if you organised the adjectives in descending order of power. e.g. rising, reeling, failing, dying, end, death. This is just an idea to show a really clean downward slope potentially symbolic to what time can do to a society. I also felt towards the end, the drama exceeded past the realms of truth when you called love "dead". I don't think even the most bitter of us would agree thats entirely true :)
I loved the line "Staggering hastily". Gave a great 'determined but wounded soldier' feel here and adding a real heroic element.
All in all this poem is a good read. Packed full of emotion and drama - just be careful not to let the drama compromise meaning and 'readability'.
There are so many more good things i could say about this poem as i read over it again but i fear this review has already been long enough.
I really hope this is helpful to you - I'll go and check out some other stuff in your port now! Thanks for the read/
I just reviewed your short story and so went to your profile in search of poetry! I am best at reviewing poetry and can generally get a pretty good long review out of any one. This is brilliant though in it's simplicity. I'm not going to touch it. Instead just had to say what a fantastic sentiment in conveys. The amount of images painted in so few words is incredible and thus deserves a rarely given 5 stars!
Hi Kitts - This is a very interesting poem and thank you for the read!
There were many great things about this poem. One of the things that really worked upon reflection was the progression of emotion and passion which built wonderfully steadily, peaked and then declined towards the end which wrapped the poem up beautifully. There are a few things I will say in criticism which I hope you will take kindly - it's only my opinion afterall!
It seemed to me that as the passion grew, you lost sight, somewhat, of the rhythm of the poem. The first stanza was brilliantly written and really flowed off the tongue well. This is fortunate as then my attention was grasped (afterall theres nothing more damning than a weak start!)
Moving on to the second stanza, the rhyme and rhythm of:
"The place dragged on, getting darker -
it became a scare."
seemed a little bit forced. Maybe experiment with soemthing a bit more abstract or metaphorical like:
"this dragging place got darker,
and soon became a scare"
I won't continue to point out all the instances where rhythm doesn't work but as a general comment, there are lots of places where the amount of syllables are right but the rules of emphasis and stress in English mean it doesn't read as well.
e.g
The darkness went on and on,
making me truely lost.
here, although the syllables are correct, for it to work it would have to be read like so:
"the DARKness WENT on AND on
maKING me TRUly LOST"
which doesn't work in practise.
The last stanza is excellent and I love the reference to shadows for so many reasons. It displays the solitude and lonliness of depression aswell as the obvious link to darkness. You haven't done what so many people do and go down the cliched route of mellodramatic themes. All this makes for an excellent first draft of a poem which shows potential, with some work, to be a good read
Dont hesitate to contact me with any feedback or questions!
Keep writing.
Greg
I was at a loss when i decided i wanted to review this poem because I wasn't entirely sure what to make of it. When it started, it read as an inspirational speech, belted by an international speaker. This isn't a bad thing at all but made me rethink the premis of 'poetry'.
The second bit of the poem starting at "sometimes" exploded into a beautiful smithing of words and emotion the likes of which I seldom come across. It is usually my style to, as i go through the poem, highlight any spelling or grammatical errors but failed to find any in this poem. Any conventional grammatical errors which you (deliberatly) make, you use poetic license to work - and work well!
All in all, a refreshing change from conventional poetry. All I would say is the first part and second part, although connected by a mutual theme seem to be written by two different people with the second one being far more mature. What you make of this is up to you though!
Thanks again for the read and hope to speak soon.
Keep writing!
Greg
This was a rather interesting poem. You have used some really really good techniques - use of varied sentence length, elipsis, you have kept the tone very diacratic and conversational which makes it much more personal which i really like. The third verse was particularly good. You get so much drama and paint such an incredibly vivid image of dissaray in my mind its really fantastic. Just a few minor things, just because I like to give a few points for possible improvement in my reviews so its not just a pointless ego boost :D ummm the title "Freedom" is somewhat misleading. If this is your intention then fair enough but as you do not achieve freedom by the end of it maybe the title could be hinting at an unreachable freedom? I dont know :) see what you think...
Just a few intances where i feel you go back on yourself or repeat yourself. In the fouth stanza when you talk about emotions, the final line is "yet I feel it is time to let them go" which implies you have control over them whereas in the rest of the stanza you make it clear that you have no control over your feelings. just a few things to think about :) apart from that a very emotionally hard hitting and well written poem. I'll keep checking back to see what you've been writing!
Thanks
Greg.
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