This came to me as a random read. I never know what I'm going to get, and this time I've pulled a fairly good read.
You do have something going on here. There is some knowledge of fairly mature war things and language. Good for you. I think you are within your genre on this one.
Pretty good flow except for run on sentences that need to be separated out. Easily handled if you do what I ask. There are some misspells, a few grammar problems, but I don't grade too much on that if the content is worthy. Again, easily fixable.
You ended this portion in a nice place, short of fuel, stranger on board, other supplies low, and momentum toward your original goal.
Now..... as for fine tuning!
I started out with a program called 'Grammarly' and still purchase it every year. Search for it and take the 'Free Trial' option. Play with it. Feel it out, and watch what it does for you. At first, you'll struggle with a few things it wants you to fix. Work at it until you satisfy what it wants. It's a learning situation. Once you've fixed this piece, you'll figure out what it will want on the next piece and you'll get ahead. Try it, you'll like it.
So, with that, I'm going to give you one star for effort, one star for the story line, one star for a fairly smooth read and 1/2 star for mechanics.
Don't be discourage. This is easily a 4 1/2 star and better when the repairs to your hull are completed. LOLOLOL Good Job rdd
You did it. You wanted to write something, and you finished your thoughts, figured out how to get it on Writing.Com.
The two and a half stars I gave you was for effort and success. Now we begin to add half stars at a time.
First of all, read the first sentence out loud to yourself. The word 'are' is missing and the end of the sentence is awkward. Read it to yourself until the end is more like 'in life, sometimes you don't always mean what you say'!
That's how we do it. One sentence at a time. Write it out in long hand, say it out loud, whatever it takes.
My other recommendation, read more material similar to the pieces you want to write.
After awhile, sentence structure will begin appear that will make it easier for audience to understand what you are trying to say.
Nice start..... remember one sentence at a time once you get all of your thoughts down. rdd
With St. Pat's coming up this was appropriate for me!
I can picture all of this easily.
A few things spotted: The first line of the sixth stanza I think you want 'they' instead of 'the'.
As you read it over in the future I know you'll make small changes. I always find stuff even months later.
On this one as an outsider reading in, I felt the end was a little weak.
My immediate thought was 'the ending of this life, the celebration of another'!
Anyway, good job. Write on.
Not a bad story Sarah (1)
Three and a half stars is not that far from four and more stars with this story.
First of all I enjoyed it. Everything seemed to follow and there were no serious hiccups to interrupt me.
First of all, how can you use 'italics' for emphasis when your story is a sea of italics? I might be better to choose a different font.
The story needs to be read line by line carefully. Then the paragraphs need to cleaned a little. You used 'it was only' twice in the sixth paragraph for instance. If you read it to yourself out loud, you will hear the problem.
'Yeah but at what cost.' could be 'Yeah, but what the cost!' for more dynamic.
About three quarters through, you used the word 'demise' which may not have the meaning needed for that thought.
I spotted some more, but now you should get the idea.
Good job! rdd
The last three lines pulled it all together. The place, the thoughts, the feelings and unspoken words have been to these 'resting' place by millions. Each of course, it's own flavor, smell, vibration.
You left not as an end, but a continuation of something started by one and carried on.
He wasn't gone, but lives on.
Good job, short and sweet. (some thinking going on here!)
A sad, touching refrain for both under and over the sea. It would be carried to the end of the last man's memory if it had not been written. Sometimes fiction becomes real later, but after the moment questions seep in as the brain tries to handle the unexpected grief.
Is it better for us to not know everything, know everything, or should the mind help by burying the memory, sinking it deep, out of sight.
Good job! Now I'll have to read a second, lighter, happier something to dilute this! LOL
Some words were a stretch, but the point was still found overall. I agree with the writer that the space and time taken up by this soul will probably be recorded only in this verse. One can only hope that the end will take these thoughts away.
Good start, write more!
Well, an ambitious tonyAwsome, you have certainly taken a nice bite!
You've spun your story rather quickly though. It was a little hard to follow when you've crammed so many mental pictures into such a short story.
There might be something there if you could spread it out a bunch.
Now, I feel you are young and still learning, so I'll point out a few of the things I saw right away, you can pick up where I'm trying to help and work your way through each sentence after that.
The third sentence for example: .... 'when she first met her when she tried to kill him' might work better.
By the way, who's telling this story?
It would be better to say 'much faster' than 'more faster'.
After the word 'cake', use a comma after rather than the period to prevent the incomplete sentence that occurred right after.
And, last for me (but not last for you) here's one more. After 'cake' use 'the new ship appeared and surprised him.
Well, there you go, I started you downhill.
Nice first attempt..... now the work starts.... write and edit on! rdd
First of all, you have begun to write. Good job.
As a whole, I would describe this as an awakening question ramble.
Internally, you have pieces and parts that have good thoughts!
Pick those out and work in those directions. Like "or , is it simply because that person did not have the knowledge?"
You have a thinking engine going, now focus it on any one of your questions and search for that answer by reading. The more you read, the better your skills will become!
Trust me..... I wouldn't lie! rdd
I award you 100 points for beginning a journey.
Hello Daniel Alspach (1)!
That's quite a jump from the bright and beautiful world you once knew to that long dark road. There's a lot of story between the first and second sentence that you didn't tell us.
Third sentence, comma after 'softly'.
Would it have been better to say 'Fog had settled low over the.....'? I guess the 'fog shadowing could have been from a full moon!
I get the feeling that you had a 'vision' of a story, but didn't convert it into words! That's the art of writing. Vision what you want your reader to vision and then convert the vision to words so you can pull the reader into your vision!
Nice start... you are having story visions! Vision on! rdd
Good for you! There is a story line here, a beginning, room for a lot of middle that can go many directions, and an assumptive ending. The ending is a long way away. Remember, your story can change as you write on and see more possibilities. Still, lean on that ending for a beginning target.
You actually could start this at the rescue in the forest! Then, as Meghan loosens up, she spills about why she was in the forest in the first place. Each give the other space to allow 'free will' to develop the story.
Writing this storyline should be fairly easy, because we've all seen it, read it, or heard about it a thousand times. But, each story has twists and turns that your imagination will create and make it original. You've got a forest to work with, a stranger, an unknown time in your world, which can be real or imaginary. Lots of room. Go for it.
My stories seldom end where I first intended, or how I got to my ending changes. Creating while I'm writing. That's exciting. In the end, when you are all done, and read it years later, sometimes you ask yourself if you really wrote it! My favorite joke is, "Wow, who wrote this? He's really good!" LOL
Anyway, good start and write on. I give you three and a half stars because it's still pretty vague. Picking up the other half for four is easily done by zeroing in on a few more details. Have courage and let your imagination take you there. rdd
This was one of my two 'random reads' today.
I was a student nurse once, and had to do two 6 week rounds on a maternity ward, have 4 kids and my wife is a nurse.
I don't have much to say about this piece except the will to live and the willpower of mothers is a fascinating thing. When written from recollection, can be short and powerful.
The subject queue was of course, honored.
I think this one was not much of a struggle for you and the review easy for me! LOL
Ha! I love the name 'Grail' being used here.
You took the reader very far in 2500 words! There were minor punctuation things of my own taste that I saw. Really, they did not distract me from the story line.
There is plenty of room for garnish to lengthen this tale if needed when you are not writing within word boundries. I suspect lots of visuals and other senses could be tickled. Good short.
A.C,
We have the start of a double 'O' something here. You have given me a little about who you are, and where you've been. You can tell me more later.
You have told me that there is something 'big' coming up.
Yes, I think your little intro here could be used for something 'big' coming up!
Before you start that, second line capital, capital! I can accept the '...' thing because I write like that. Leave a space before and after them so spell check won't tag it. On the next line you used a '..'! Again with spaces and two dots is not enough to indicate a 'poetic license' pause. Use at least three, more increases the drama in my book.
Here's something you are going to run into a million times as you write. Quotation marks should be used for someone's spoken quote. A title or label on a mug should be 'I Love Africa'.
When you can (if there's no deadline), wait a couple of days after you've written a piece, and re-read it! You will be amazed at yourself.
Correcting these small things will serve to let the reader get on with the read without distraction.
As YOU read more (hint, hint), the story vision in you mind will smooth out and become more complete. Nice start! rdd
hmmmmmmmmm!
You have 'good thought' bits and pieces. This is a good sign.
I would like to encourage you to re-read what you wrote, one sentence at a time.
I don't know what device you are writing on, but try to get into 'Word' or a writing venue that will help with punctuation. Usually it will help with sentence structure and run-ons too!
You have a pretty good vocabulary, again a good sign. You are absorbing what you hear. Keep going with that, and read, read, read. You must feed your writing machine.
With that, I found an 'I' that was not capitalized, quite a few run-on sentences which scrunched several ideas together instead of giving each thought power of it's own.
And, of course the last two paragraphs were repeated. I don't know if that was on purpose or not! I couldn't pick up on the reason for it.
So with your cache of good thoughts, good vocabulary, go through it slowly, and repair!
Tales do not always start with 'Once upon a time'! Sometimes that start with 'It was a cold, rainy night with no moon'! That's right up your alley! You know? The one where the blood curdling scream came from!
Should we attach the author's life with his or her writings?
By your own admission, no!
I have written many times and completely entertained myself, because it came from a part of my brain that makes up stuff. When I'm done writing the piece, it may be a little rough, but I start refining until a decent story emerges written by someone else. Some writers name those that live in your brain and create.
I warn you. You can name yours, but don't tell too much to too many people. You might end reading a writing you gore ....................... at the institute!
Good questions above! You are beginning to suspect! At some point, settle down and greet your new partner and make it very comfortable.
Ha! I liked it. Seems a good market for souls where Dantes is shopping!
You did both characters well. This short, if I take in the whole set and imagine everything going on there, is like a commercial! Short, story line, characters, cool ending, and then back to the set. Nice job
Two small suggestions. The line that uses the word 'preening'! Preening may not be the word you want there, or if you do, you could just end it at preening. Take a look. If I'm wrong and am missing something, forget it.
The other is the title. The story is a bit more clever than the title. His name is a little 'direct too', and only works because of the quirkiness of people in that industry. Maybe a tweak there too!
Anyway good job.
One of my favorite things to do with my kids when they were little was to point out the shapes in the clouds. They were always amazed.
I read this as a song....very nice....create on....gottagosee
Again, I got to read one of your pieces. Very, very nice. I've walked that road in a different place with a different name.
I found a small error. The line 'a young man own his own'....I think you meant 'on his own'.
May I post this on my website ronalddrobeck.com ? I have readers that are worthy, back home in South Dakota, only a few but they will appreciate what you've written. The website isn't only about me. You will be my second guest.....gottagosee
A nice memory and good descriptions of what you were seeing in your minds memory eye.
The sentence: Every tick and affliction is uncomfortable to read as is the next sentence.
Don't try to be clever while you are learning. Write the sentence as if you were speaking it. If you read those two sentences out loud, you'll understand what I mean.
half a beat form the music (from is mispelled) I would have said 'half a beat behind or half a beat off the music"
Take the word "almost" out of 'he always looked surprised"
Good for you Annie McGee! I know this review seems like a lot but, when you write, you are supposed to get the ideas down as fast as your mind can create them. Then, the next discipline is to edit, edit, edit.
I sometimes take two hours to write a short story and then four or more hours editing, checking spelling, and rewriting sentences.
Go for it!.....gottagosee
This is such a near miss. Someday, when you go back to this, you will see how good the subject is and how close you came to satisfying it.
Great last stanza!
'They fly to escape'.....good line!
Let this 'free verse' age and go back to it someday....I hope you remember I said this..LOL.....gottagosee
This poem could have gone many different ways after the opening lines. You set it up well for the attitude of the last line to work.
There were no blaring mechanical problems to disturb my read.
I do commend you on throwing your hat into a very dangerous ring. I do believe you might have skirted trouble. Time will tell.....gottagosee
You are on the right track. I like to examine something known, turn it around, upside down, look at it's back side, and look through it, if I can.
The view of a known from another perspective is a fun way to make the writing engine work. Your free to invent whatever you want. Other than a few twits that would try to re-design your thoughts, most people that understand what your doing would love the experiment.
I read it three times to make sure I absorbed it all and have decided I LIKED IT! LOL ......gottagosee
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