Hello, this is GXG. I found your story on the review request page and wanted to leave you a review.
General Impressions
I found the characters dislikable, which made the ending enjoyable. Its always nice to see rich jerks get their comeuppance. I thought the dad was crazy, mean, and mad enough to do launch all his gold into space.
Favorite Parts
I liked the scene were David Rivers is telling his sons and wife why they are all terrible people. I thought that was pretty funny and it also reveals a lot about each of the characters involved.
Characters
You did a good job of making the family all seem like the worst folks you could have to spend time with. They each had their own quirks that made them awful as well.
Plot
I thought the plot had a good premise. It seems kind of boring at first but then you realize that it isn't an ordinary family or will.
Setting
I thought the setting was used well to progress the story. The estate balcony, the bed room, and the lawyer's office provide appropriate back drops for the dialog.
Dialog
The dialog really drove this story. You used it well to reveal to the reader the nature of each of the characters. I thought the dialog sounded and read naturally.
Technical Issues or Typos
None
Suggestions
Gold is a pretty classy way to launch your net worth into space, but bearer bonds and treasury bills would be much lighter. Gold is at $1300/oz; one billion dollars of gold would weigh 24 tons. I don't know if rockets into space can carry that much. It's a really minor point though, I don't think the logistics of putting billions of dollars of gold into space detracts from the story.
Also, Cheryl isn't really a character in the story. Why does she need to be Darrel's girlfriend? Maybe she could be a nameless escort that Darrel is trying to hide under the blanket from the butler. This would also make Darrel seem like a more repugnant character.
Lastly, we see Darrel in bed with one of his many girlfriends/escort and we see Robert losing money gambling so maybe there could be a scene showing Betsy River doing something that makes the character more 'ugly'.
Final Thoughts
Good story! Well conceived and well executed. I like the eccentric billionaire launching his corpse and cash into space to spite his horrible family.
Hello, this is GXG. I found your story on the review request page. I liked your story and wanted to leave you a review.
General Impressions
I thought it was an interesting sci-fi tale. I liked the theme of the ever improving robots and the destruction of everything obsolete.
Favorite Parts
The end is the best part because of how it suddenly reveals a hiccup in the pattern of the story that's interesting and funny.
Characters
Roy, Mike, and the robots/androids don't have that much personality. Roy and Mike only exist to showcase the robots. DTH-7 has the most depth of any of the characters.
Plot
I thought it was a good plot to tell a classic gods-over-throwing-titans story. It made sense.
Setting
There wasn't a lot of setting. All the reader sees is the lab where the testing happens and even then there is no description of the environment. There are some desk, a phone, and an incinerator.
Dialog
You have good dialog that tells the story. I thought it was easy to read and sounded natural.
Technical Issues or Typos
None!
Suggestions
My first suggestion is to give the robots more personality, even the most simple one with the rose. Maybe the robots can act displeased when they are declared obsolete and incinerated?
My second suggestion is to flesh out the lab more. I think the lab could be a really interesting place, these guys are clearly mad roboticist. Maybe the test could be more elaborate?
My third suggestion is that without any character development or an engrossing setting, I think the story is too long and repetitive. I think you could have done in three iterations what you did in seven. That said, if each DTH model is shown to be unique and resistant to being destroyed the story might not feel like it is too long.
Final Thoughts
I enjoyed reading your man vs machine/ machine over throwing man short story. I think it is has a good plot and a good ending. I thought it started interestingly as well. I feel that it gets too long in the middle though.
General Impressions
I thought it was a creepy story. I like the father's anger in this piece. It feels very tense reading about a frustrated dad yelling at his young son. I thought the tale worked itself up into a crescendo of eeriness.
Favorite Parts
I liked the beginning the best because of how well and how succinctly it introduces and colors the characters. The characters already have a lot of meat on their bones after the first paragraph.
I also really like the first time Dad threatens to get a new boy and Daniel's response. I've never personally heard anyone make that threat, but it sounds like something a tired single dad would yell. I felt like this exchange also reveals to the reader a lot of the characters depth.
Characters
I thought Daniel and the Dad were well developed. Maybe you could have revealed what Dad did for a living or how Daniel is doing in school to give the audience more empathy for and insight into the characters. I also wonder if you could reveal more information about the mother that left to make her more of a character in absentia.
Plot
Just like The Wardrobe, I thought the plot was very concise. You have a good windup that follows through and delivers.
Setting
The setting didn't seem to really matter for this story. These two characters could live anywhere. The setting only matters when Dad goes into Daniel's bedroom and sees it tidy instead of messy. Is the rest of the house messy because Daniel messes it up and Dad is to tired to clean up? Is the house totally spotless because Dad doesn't want it to change from the way Mom would remember it? I think you could use the setting to amplify some aspect of how unnerving Daniel's dark scribblings are to Dad.
Dialog
Good, believable dialog. You use it effectively to create Dad and Daniel.
Suggestions
1) I thought this sentence could be rewritten, its a bit cludgy:
"Each line drawn was gone over about twenty odd times and he must have pushed the crayon into the wall as hard and fast as he possible could, the force in which he scribbled into the wall may never wash out."
2) Maybe you can work on the setting to make a darker ambiance around Dad and Daniel?
3) I like the ending, my only suggestion to improve it is for Dad to not be in the room with the monster when he realizes it isn't really Daniel. I think it would be more chilling for some time and space to elapse between meeting the monster and realizing its a monster. I like that Dad finds Daniel under the bed instead of the monster, I think that's a fun paradigm shift. Maybe Dad could find Daniel hiding under Dad's bed down the hall though? I'm picturing Dad going into Daniel's room and he is happy it's so clean. Then Dad wishes fake Daniel good night and goes down the hall to his room. In his room Dad finds real Daniel under Dad's bed and then Daniel says "Dad, I think the monster is in my bed."
I think that their is a lot of fertile ground here for creativity. I am interested to know more about this mirror world and the mirror people. What I want most for this piece is for the characters to be more fleshed out. I get a little sense of who the protagonist is; she sets two alarms, she brushes her hair but not because she cares about her hair, she sleeps in her underwear. I don't get a sense of what she looks like or how she thinks though. The evil reflectioner is more developed, thanks to her soliloquy, and she has a personality. She seems malicious, power hungry, sassy, and she enjoys some forms of torture.
I have two main criticisms and I think they can be addressed simultaneously. First, the characters need more development. Second, you spend more time telling the reader what is happening and what will happen rather than showing them what will happen. Having something shown to you is often more interesting than having it told to you. My suggestion for this piece is to break up the paragraph that starts "I am what is known in common circles as a 'Reflectioner.' There is a group of us going around..." and using it as an outline for a conversation. Instead of having the reflectioner tell everything about herself and her evil plan, try having a dialogue between the reflectioner and the woman that reveals 1)What a reflectioner is, 2)That this reflectioner is very experienced, 3)That this reflectioner is going to enjoy psychologically tormenting the woman's family, and 4)That the reflectioner is going to use the woman's body to do horrible things. This dialogue will also allow you to reveal more about the woman through speech and how she reacts to what she is told. Another minor suggestion is to spend a few more sentences at the beginning and end of the story describing the room and the mirrors in it so the reader can see where this is happening more clearly.
I like the way the piece ends. I think fading to black, confused and upset and creeped out is a good way to close a spooky short story. All this story needs is more content. Keep up the good work.
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