WHoa!! Awesome story and just a tad creepy to think of it like the way you put it. There are a few grammer mistakes but nothing that you won't easily find on a quick read through and edit.
I found this to be an interesting story, and yet at some points confusing. It may be because I have never been incarcerated. I wonder when and where this takes place?
Anyway I love the ending, a fighter till the end and seemingly so obedient,
Keep up the good work,
Hugs,
Serenity
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Good ending, I like how the story gives you the chills, not the creepy horror filled chills but the chills that make you think of what it was like. What they dealt with.
Nice little scene of a family fishing. It only goes to show that many different things people feel. I wonder if the oldest son was a teenager. hehe been there as well as we all have, and can imagine how disgusted he was at having to spend the day fishing rather then with his friends.
Keep up the great work.
Hugs,
Serenity
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great story with a great point. All to often I see families allow things like this to happen. I am glad that someone has written about it, and how there is hope if only parents and families in large help love, nurture and support these kids. Teach them the difference between right and wrong and hold firm to the proper punishment when the kids do something wrong.
Great job and keep up the good work.
Hugs,
Serenity
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Nice story. I found the story within it to be a great little tale of what we humans do for living each moment, now I wonder what the young man did with it? hehehe
ANyway I didn't notice any grammer or spelling mistakes.
Keep up the great job.
Hugs,
Serenity
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"You started me off. Remember that diary you gave me for my eighteenth birthday? I used to write in it every day about what we'd do or say."
"I gave you a diary? I don't remember," he said. Liar, he thought, the diary was given with the secret hope, scarcely admitted to himself, that she might remember him sometimes with fond memories. He shook off the forbidden thoughts and tuned back in to what Callie was saying.
The red is in His POV and the sec is suppossed to be in hers! Maybe rewrite!!
Other then that this story is great. I think you could elaborate on it, maybe give more back ground detail, however it works just fine as is. I am always a sucker for a good reunited romance!!
Great lesson to be learned in this story. ANd yes don't I wish all people learnind so easily. It takes a certain person to be able to achieve their dreams and learn moral and valuable lessons along the way.
This is different from your previous entries and it caught my atention. Never would I have guessed the gender of the killer at the very begining!! Great job there, I like the tyrannical mother in law, great phrase and I will have to use it for my spouses mom one day!! hehehe
Write on~
Hugs,
Serenity
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I liked the slang you use for Moses, it really brings his character alive, makes him more real tot he reader. The moral of the story is a good one, and I liked the metaphor with the window. It does make one wonder for sure.
Keep up the good work.
Hugs,
Serenity
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You are killing me with the ending....ha ha ha this is really well written and I wish there was more to the story. Lord knows you could write a whole novel off of it!! Anyway I enjoyed the read very much and if you ever add onto it let me know.
Keep up the good work.
Hugs,
Serenity
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Wow intense. It is a sad truth...that of a soldiers life. I can relate to this story on some level and it honestly is told really well. The emotions are reall and felt by the readers.
Well dne and keep up the good work.
Hugs,
Serenity
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This is a really cute story!! hehehe I can only imagine as my son as a kinder kid is planning his own party as we speak and it isnt for three months
This story is chalk full of grammitical errors spelling errors and basic typos. I think a once over of self editing will do wonders for the appeal this magically little tale has to offer up to readers.
Keep up the good work.
Hugs,
Serenity
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This story is very touching and to the right person can reveal a truth of all truths. I think the message is garbled I know it is about love and acceptance, and perhaps it is this way for so many. I live in New Mexico and know alot of the spanish culture, and to me the entire infidelity sends a different messgae.
It is written beautifully and I think the over all lesson ring out above the lesser meanings of cheating.
Keep up the good work.
Hugs,
Serneity
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This is an interesting point of view and most likely true. As far as the contest goes this story is not eligible as it does not meet min. word counts. Other then that it seems like this is almost a rant. I like the raw emotion it brings forth.
Keep up the good work.
Hugs,
Serenity
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This is powerful. Almost made me cry. It is such a shame that people drink and drive.
As for the grammer it is pretty clean there were a few things I spotted but nothing a read through won't fix, it is mostly typing mistakes.
Other then that keep up the great work.
Hugs,
Serenity
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What a cute story about good versus evil with a twist. I found that some of your paragraphs were more telling then showing, and internal dialogue will help break this up well. You use alot of passive words as well, and I think a quick read through would fix that!
Keep up the good work
Hugs,
Serenity
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Wow what a world we could live in. I honestly believe this may have some substance...one of the many things we as humans trying to fix things and making it worse. O love the government denying it all as well...LOL
Keep up the great work.
Hugs,
Serenity
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Excellent little vampire tale. I enjoyed it immensly. I see a few things that need to be worked out, and I definately think you can add more details to this. We miss a large part of the story....what did Mark do that would kill a vampire, which I think you could detail out, maybe in the conversation before jazz meets him.
Other then that keep up the great work.
Hugs,
Serenity
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This is a magnificent story of two young children becoming heros. It reminds me of Narnia a little bit, with the magic evil queen and the two brothers.
To me the ending was a bit off to me, them having just killed somebody were making jokes about it. I would think that the two young men would be a bit more traumatized. Oh well who knows!!
Great job!
Hugs,
Serenity
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Hey there, it is nice to know what other people consider their muse. As for me I have many they are mostly characters of different degrees and genders. As for finding the muses and writing about them I find that they hide in the back of my mind, and when they are ready to speak to me then I can write and I write alot!!
When I am blocked then I review until I find something that strikes a spark in one or more of them. It is then I can complete the story I have set out to write!!
Thanks for sharing your experiences!!
Hugs,
Serenity
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Hi there!! Good job on the dark poetry!! I have to say that I loved this poem, well all except the ending. The last verse didn't seem to hang with the rest of the poem. Hmmm maybe it is just me, after all I have never claimed to know much about poetry, just what speaks to me!! hehehe
I like the darkness and you depict a gruesome picture, of something that i think anybody who has ever lost love or been scorned feels!!
Good job, and thanks for sharing!!
Hugs,
Serenity
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