I really enjoyed the flow of your poem. It is as if you spoke it when you were calm and relaxing with your quilt by the side of the ocean... just listening to the waves and reflecting on what is and has been. Using a quilt to describe how you are made up is a beautiful way to incorporate an heirloom hobby into you words. Thank you for sharing your feelings!
It is interesting on how you compare and contrast the two people in this relationship by such extremes. On the outside looking in it may appear that the two people are on the opposite ends of the spectrum, but there must be something that draws them together. It seems, by the sound of the poem, that they have found each other and are at the crossroads of knowing whether or not they have found that thing that holds them close. I hope that they have and it is more than their humanity.
This is just a little on the disturbing side. It is creepy and strange and I love it. The use of repetition is a bit like chanting and when you read it, it feels a bit like a heavy heart beat.
That said... a few lines feel a little forced, it is probably due to trying to find a rhyming word to fit the flow. As it gets closer to the end it seems to slow down instead of speed up at the termination point. One would think... if they were getting closer the heart would be beating faster instead of slower.
It is interesting to step into your life while listening to stories about leaves. To connect with a natural object and to seize the opportunity to tell life's lessons is a blessing. It is the journey that makes us who and what we are. Through your piece you were able to describe your physical journey through Maine and the life journey you have traveled. May the roads you travel always rise to greet you in such peace. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This is written how I would expect a cowboy to tell a story: here are the facts, this is what happened; however, it is missing something deeper. This is a story that just sits waiting for the background to eventually divulge itself.
There is no end to the beauty of a fact giving story. You do not have to guess anything. This is the way things are. They can be the most beautiful stories out there and you are well on your way with a working plot line. Just try not to rush through the story. Let it tell itself.
I am not saying "feelings" in a sing-song-y voice. Paint a picture of the atmosphere. Every now and then you show us a small snip of what the characters are traveling through. It is not enough to show what they see. Paint the whole picture: what do they smell? where is the wind blowing? what are the sounds of this new world they are traveling in? how long have they been traveling? what are they tasting? how do they look?
Don't twist it too quickly into some sort of love story, let the characters grow and show who they are... please! It sounds like it could be a very good story.
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