I enjoyed your poem. This is good writing. I feel the emotion and pain of the writer. It is vivid.
I do not know much about poetry; however, one thing that I try to do when writing poetry is read it out loud to ensure that it has a good sound. I recommend that you read it out loud to see it sounds like you wanted it to sound.
First, let me recommend that you go back into your portfolio and edit the look of your story. I would recommend a full space between paragraphs, dialogue, etc. This is important because it will make it easier to read. The method by which you arranged it feels overwhelming and daunting. White space gives your reader spaces to breath and contemplate the prior paragraphs.
An example in your own writing would be as follows:
“Cordelia!”
I nearly fall out of my seat; my heart practically jumps out of my chest. I look at my teacher Mrs. Bates and see her arms are crossed as if waiting for the floor to swallow me whole. “What?” I keep staring at her; waiting for her to do something. I know I should be a good student and apologize to her because I’m usually not like this. Her onyx eyes just keep staring at me; her eyes are pulling me into her black depths. Time seems to slow down; as she and I keep staring at each other. The classroom is deathly silent and I can almost taste the tension on my tongue. I lick my lips nervously, and my leg starts to shake up and down.
“Can you answer this question, Cordelia?”
I shrug my shoulders and gesture for her to repeat the question. Mrs. Bates sighs like her life has just ended, and it was me that stabbed her in the heart.
“Cordelia, what is the answer to the equation on the board?”
THE TITLE
I would recommend that you contemplate your short story title a bit more. In short stories, the title must do more work in explaining the story than in a novel. An excellent example of this concept is “What It Means When a Man Falls from the Sky” by Lesley Nneka Arimah. Read the short story of the same name, you will not be disappointed and you will learn how a title can work with the story. Do not feel deflated after reading this story. It is an example of excellent storytelling. This is a concept that many, including me, are still trying to perfect within their own writing.
THE WRITING
Your story idea is good. I think that it would behoove you to do a few more edits. Currently, your story progresses through a lot of “telling” (examples of this from your short story are as follows: “I need to get my hands free. I start moving my wrists up and down hoping those idiots didn’t tie the rope too tight. I couldn’t even finish because I’m shaking from head to toe, as I watch Mara’s body begin to change.”) On the other hand, if you show the action in your story the story may get that eerie feeling that you are hoping to evoke.
Keep up the good work. You have the beginning of a strong, scary story. Also, thank you for sharing your stories. I have only started doing that myself. It has been daunting. I look forward to reading more of your work.
I really enjoyed seeing this vivid story through the eyes of a young man. I can feel the emotions in the story. I think that it would benefit to do some edits as a few of the sentences were overly complex.
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