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Review by Gabriel Everto Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey, Great story, thanks for the read. I just have a few things I thought I should mention.

Descriptions:
I think there is some work to be done in this area. Your adjectives need to be more powerful, look for more extreme words to really increase the insight the reader has on the scene.

Imagery- I think a lot of places could have used Similes and Metaphors rather than the less emotive adjectives. Rather than 'a loud scream', think more of 'A scream loud enough to compete with even the most ferocious of lion's roars.

Senses:
These are slightly mentioned in places, but I really want to be able to feel the beads of sweat bursting forth on Meg's forehead, taste the stale air left hanging in her apartment through her slumber, see every intricate colour and feel the ruffled, scrunched sheets where she lay.

Grammar:
As far as I can tell this piece is grammatically sound, well done!

Structure:
Generally well structured, though there were some areas that could be condensed and still have the same effect.

(E.g.- 'A dream in particular that I can remember began..' would be 'A particularly memorable dream began..'.)
It really is that simple, but is a lot easier on the eyes.

Spelling:
Nothing jumps out at me.

All together this is a well written piece with a good plotline, just focus on descriptions and imagery and the senses. Condensing your work into smaller packages will come naturally with time.

Keep up the good work!

Gabriel.
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