I saw an inconsistency in the beginning. Holly said, "It has always been this way for me." and then contradicts it in with "It hadn't always been this way for me." I think I get what is being expressed, but I suggest being careful in the choice of words to avoid unintentional contradiction, even if they span paragraphs.
Also, the part that says, "I never did introduce myself. My name is Holly one of the very last free humans left in Britain." would be better off as a separate paragraph, I think. It may add more impact.
The story itself is nice, though. It has a sci-fi fantasy feel to it. If there is indeed love/romance, as said in its genre, then it may even qualify as YA.
I believe this piece will have a continuation, like a series. If so, then I will await the next chapter.
I think this piece is saying too much without really meaning anything. It keeps on revolving around something -- this form -- but it does not really touch this subject, whatever that is. I think it concentrated on making the piece sound impressive, yet making the subject matter itself -- the meaning -- suffer.
Also, a better title and description could help a lot. It may let the reader know what to expect.
I believe this is too brief, even for a prologue. Nevertheless, it gave the mindset of the protagonist (possibly) and a rough gist of how her story will go. Nice job on that one.
Just something I noticed, if her heart is cold, shouldn't she be unaffected by the broken heart of her client? It felt like a contradiction to me.
Also, the ruby red gem sounded wrong to me. Maybe the "ruby" and "gem" combination is a bit confusing. Blood-red gem may sound better, and will fit the theme better as well (Or maybe I'm prejudiced just because it's my handle ).
I'm going to be following this novel from now on.
I hope I read more of it.
First of all, I don't think this is poetry at all. This is more like an essay. Or maybe this is your style?
Also, the very thing the protagonist is trying to "find" here -- clarity -- seems to be missing from the piece as well. This may be because of its excessive brevity, or because of the way it is written. If this is intentional, say, for creativity's sake, then I do not think it worked as the author expected.
The piece has a nice concept. It has potential. I personally think it is worth rewriting and extending.
A good and appropriate title could be a great help, too.
This is well-imagined and well-written. Emotions are clearly expressed through the dialogue. It has nice and proper rhymes, and it is easy to read except in some places.
The line My heart skipped its beats.
sounded way too wrong to me, though. I'd prefer My heart skipped a beat, or to match with the rhyme and flow, My heart skipping beats.
I understand that the lines, Go, she insisted. No, I resisted.
with their brevity, are meant to express something. Maybe they are meant to be emphasized, but it kind of threw the whole thing off-beat. It sounded awkward.
From the title to the end, this piece got my attention.
I especially liked the theme of this poem (personal preference, I guess). I like how the author made the sounds express the feel of the piece. A particular example of this is the A sound is muttered, not by mouth of man, but by the creaking wood...
A certain feeling of mystery and haunting is felt from these words.
I have one concern, though. The first few lines, up until a field of dense green, seemed way out of the context or theme of the poem. It felt like starting from something, then suddenly being plunged into something else entirely.
I like how the tone and style of writing is informal, such that it gives off the feel of conversation. It also gives the narrator (or author, if he's the one speaking) substance. It makes the speaker alive, not just some flat writing on paper.
I also like the concept of being an "actor" in this piece. To me it kind of seems like being an impostor, like pretending to be someone you're not.
I don't get why you put Fantasy in genres. This hardly seems like one, since it is very realistic. Then again, I may be wrong.
Overall, this is a very nice writing. I say, keep it up!
It has almost the same quality as the first chapter, with some development.
I like how the protagonist is being friendly to her subjects. It gives a hint of realism and life to the piece. It also develops the way the readers perceive her. It is a tiny window to the personality of the protagonist, and each development like this makes it easier to read the piece (it will take a lot less imagining on what the character is like), as well as makes her more loved and appreciated.
I have a single concern, though. This is already chapter 2. Shouldn't there be at least a hint on what the conflict is? As far as the story goes, it has been all happy and celebration. The story will not be complete without a conflict, and I think there should be a hint of it as soon as now.
Oh, and it's probably throne room, not throwning room. Just saying...
This piece has a nice enough concept. I can see the creativity.
The foundation of the story seems great, though all that can really be seen here (as of now, since there seems to be more chapters), is a world apart from the real world, but with obvious relations to it. Hence the main character.
I find that the story in itself, regardless of the details and writing, has potential.
But there is no intro.
Someone starts reading, and suddenly he is in the middle of the story, with no idea what just happened. Perhaps a little character development on the protagonist is a good idea. It may be helpful to give the reader a feel of who the character is before plunging Violet into the alternate world. It may also be helpful to control the pace a little. Add some details and descriptions about the environment / setting.
But you know what? I like the story very much.
I will definitely read the other chapters.
I kind of write fantasy stuff like this, too. (This is subtle plugging.) They may be worth reading if you have the time! (Now this is plain shameless.)
I understand that the author may not be a native English speaker, but so are many others here. I have nothing against the author's language or way of writing, but it would be very nice if what he posts is something the majority can understand.
I truly hope that this will be rewritten into something more understandable.
Or is it meant to be artistic?
Oddly enough, looking at those incomprehensible characters (incomprehensible to me), I thought it is eerily beautiful. But again, I still don't understand a thing.
It is not my intention to bring the author down or bash his identity. I am just expressing my opinion that this piece may not be appreciated for what it truly is, since not many will be able to fully understand it.
The concept of this piece is interesting. Not original, of course -- there are just too much zombie stories out there -- but interesting nonetheless. It is well-imagined.
I also liked the intro. Those questions that make it seem like an essay, then followed by the unexpected turn of events.
However, I felt the incredible lack of details in the story.
For one, the concept of zombies is introduced way too late, that I didn't even realize it was there even if it is already happening. The narration felt too fast and rushed that readers may not have time to appreciate and fully take in what is happening.
It felt flat and lifeless.
In summary, the piece is creative and interesting. It has a good story line. But the narration seemed inadequate for it.
This is very well-written. The dialogues are okay, and the pacing is just right.
The characters, however, are not adequately developed. I had to constantly change the picture in my mind, trying to decide what kind of people they really are. An example of this is their age group. Are they young, or old? Where are they? Is it night, or is it morning? These things will help the readers visualize the scene, and will therefore make them more "involved" in the story.
I liked the camera part, though. It added humanity to the piece. It gave off the feeling that the characters are not flat and opaque.
Overall, I'd say this is a good enough piece.
Looking forward to read more of the author.
This is good.
I like how the time is depicted and highlighted as something special, and that after midnight, all those things that happened suddenly ends, for better or for worse. The development of the characters and the situations are excellent in some but not so in some areas. Seeing that this one has many characters with different storylines, some have been inadequately introduced. I want to cite here the man who drinks vodka and the pregnant wife.
I understand the attempt to play with the reader's emotions. I see the descriptions are trying to capture the reader into the scene and feel how the character feels. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. No fault on the author's part. It probably depends on the reader too.
This is hinting at something I can't quite place.
It sounds creepy and disturbing. It gets progressively and exponentially darker every line. It's like starting with a fresh piece of fruit, then making it rot slowly, little by little, until it is hopeless to eat.
Sorry for the bad analogy.
Anyway, the horseman is given a very mysterious personality. His presence in the poem is haunting, for some reason. The characters are introduced excellently. They had personality.
This poem sounds beautiful when read.
The rhymes had a good ring to it. It is very easy and comfortable to read. I can even go far as to say it is relaxing, despite the disturbing theme.
The theme is perfect by the way. It is delivered expertly, especially through the line "Johnny found it in a knife, now there's blood upon the ground."
The story you are trying to convey is expressed in only a few lines. This piece is adequately brief. No nonsense.
This is so damn good and romantic it made me feel sad.
It is oozing with emotion and longing, like it was written rapidly in a flash of feelings. The subject of this poem -- the wife, I guess -- is intentionally or unintentionally developed perfectly throughout the piece that I started loving her, too (Won't try to flirt with her. I promise). This could be used for a proposal. Or an anniversary gift. A perfect anniversary gift.
It has the power to make people feel and remember those they love.
In terms of technicality, I see no flaw.
This is a five-star for me.
You gave a bunch of punchlines in this one.
I understand that this piece is better if read aloud. It almost felt as if a stand-up comedian is telling this story. The punchlines are well-made, and there is a lot of them. The whole story is literally a compilation of punchlines and jokes.
In consequence to this, there isn't much of a storyline. It is just a joke after a joke after another joke. This isn't bad at all, though, since this is a comedy piece.
Some of the punchlines sound forced to me though, especially in the first part, before the fake ending. It felt like forcing the audience to laugh, instead of smooth delivery.
But you have an undeniable talent in comedy. The piece is very hilarious.
This piece is well-written and interesting. It got my attention from the very start.
It is also well-imagined, and the dialogues are excellent.
The environment and setting development is very nicely done. There had been no need to backtrack on the feel of the place at all. The author has properly and excellently described the place of the story.
However, it began to look dragging mid-way, like it is getting kind of off-topic. It sounded like rambling, and a lot of paragraphs seemed practically useless. It began to sound long-winded near the end. I want to cite here in particular the whole monologue on being poor or jobless.
But all in all, this seems like a good piece by a very talented author.
I hope to see more of this!
P.S. I'm curious. Does this piece, by any chance, have a sequel? Or at the very least, are you planning to make one? The ending looked like it needed one.
This is actually very good.
It's got a lot of emotions, and... other things -- stirrings, one might say. I personally think it has some erotica in it, though it wasn't explicitly "shown" or "visualized".
The character Jen is very well-developed. She has been given a complete personality, even unique gestures. She gives off cuteness throughout the story.
The mood of the story did a sharp turn at the last chapter, where it suddenly felt happy and upbeat. It's not really bad at all, though.
Good job on this one!
This is a very creative piece.
It is rightfully brief -- any extensions or long-winded descriptions would have ruined it -- and it is a good decision on your part to make it that way.
It is funny, and I recommend that you put comedy as one of its genres.
Good work on this one!
Yet another poem with great advocacy!
I really like how you put your opinions into colorful words. The intro is amazing, and the transition between the stanzas is smooth. One moment it was all peaceful, the next there are walls being built and there was hate, rage and neglect. It was well-organized and well-imagined.
Some of the rhymes sound forced, though. There is also something off with the rhymes you're trying to make in the second stanza. The first two lines are just too far from the next two lines. But hey, maybe that's your style.
This is a good one. Galing!
A sad and haunting piece, I think it is eerily beautiful.
The combination of the description of the night and of the girl's story is well-blended. It is also very detailed, the scene is visualized clearly based on how you described it.
I like the depth of the story and the character development. It is well-written and well-imagined.
I had a slight confusion about the setting though. I backtracked along the second paragraph when I realized I was imagining it in the wrong period.
All in all, this is a job well done!
P.S.: I'm curious, when and where did this one happen? Did you create it in an existing place and period, or is it all fictional?
This is actually great.
I felt the annoyance and slight anger from the very first paragraphs of the letter. I liked how you express the emotions through those examples.
It is also very fun to read. Partly because the examples are humorous.
I noticed that somewhere near the end, the letter sounded dragging. It was like the point in the beginning of the piece is being repeated over and over, only with different scenarios. I suggest keeping it quite brief and straight to the point.
Still, you did a good job on this one! Keep it up!
Oh, and if you have the time, check out my portfolio! (I admit, this is shameless) Thanks!
This piece of poetry is overflowing with emotions.
I see very good metaphors. I like how you said what was meant by using them.
This gives a powerfully romantic message. It could very well be used for courting.
I just want to note that the "a obstacle" sounded quite awkward. I think this is just a typographical error.
I personally liked this poem.
It impressed on me hopelessness. Despair. Then strength and faith.
The message in this is strong and powerful. It is not hard to find. It is like embedded in the poem itself. To tell the truth, it almost sounded like a prayer.
On the other hand, I felt that it is lacking something. It feels incomplete, like a lot of elements are missing. It is kind of confusing, and leaves a lot to the reader's imagination. This is not really a bad, thing. I think it just needs minor improvement on details.
Well, I hope this review is helpful to you.
Good job on this one!
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