Wow, the poem flowed well. One line after another fits with each other. You have great talent. It’s unusual to see long-sentenced poems fit together as naturally as you put it. I enjoyed it immensely! Though, in your summary, you said that you were angry, but I digress. It seem like you were beyond angry and hanging to the edge of desperation. Also, the word redoubled didn't seem to fit it. However, your use of vocabulary is in generally amazing. Overall, this is a wonderful piece! Thanks for sharing and spectacular job!
Well, that was certainly something. I want to say that you should make use of the writing HTML because it was hard to tell when the scene changed. Also, the first exchange between the Devil and Zachary need colons after the names. Anyway, I practically blanched at the justification the Devil gave for the killing of Tom. So, anyway, it’s a great tale you have. I enjoyed it! Great job.
Ok, first off, I want to point out your third line in the beginning (‘My job tonight…”). It seemed repetitive to your previous sentences. Well, anyway, it was only just a opening. Now, I would like to say that the whole emo trend began from emo music that was derived from punk music. So it wasn’t the whole “music that comes under the emo name” exactly. But, I love your ending. It reflects your personality well. Thanks from sharing! Great job!
Well, first off, I want to bring up the fact that you have several missing apostrophes and capitalizations. This story is sad and it’s actually quite touching. However, the explanation at the end didn’t seem to flow with the piece. Probably, you should work on the fine detailing of your writings, giving it more perceptional depth. But, otherwise, I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing!
I don't know what to say about that. I must point out that your rhyme is consistent and the poem flowed wonderfully. I can see the humor in this fantasy however your beautiful style got me awestricken. It is ‘quirky’ but you have absolute talent. Great job!
That was chilling. The end was a shocker and my heart actually ached a bit. However, a bit. I have to point out that the end came slightly too soon. The idea to build a sad and emotional story (however short) is to first create emotion and swell it up to its highest point. And then crash it down to reality; therefore you get an angst tale. I enjoy reading this and look forward for another one in the future. Great job!
First off, I want to point out your spelling mistakes and the constant I’s need to be capitalize (unless it was intended not to be capitalized). Ok, now that that’s cleared, I want to say…oh wow. This is the best poem I have ever come across (personal perception). It’s beautiful, it flows, and it is just… I can’t describe with just one word. I have to give you credit; you have extreme talent. It’s not usual to come across a poem that is written in freestyle that also can be read fluently. Even I have trouble with that. So, amazing job!
Wow, that was beautiful. I actually felt a flow within this poem. It’s very philosophical! I love it. The only problem I see is your vocabulary choices. I know it’s hard to rhyme and the easiest way to do so it using common words such as the natural ‘-ight’ and ‘-ace’ and ‘-old’. I think you have the ability to use more than that (even though my eyebrows shot up when I read the word ‘drool’; such a second grade word compared to saliva and others). Do not aim to rhyme; aim to appease the soul, convey it. Then afterwards, change it to your heart content. Well, anyway, beautiful job!
I love your choice of topic. Although it is most of common to see dark angst poems, yours borderline the insanity that is usually portrayed. Anyway, I want to point out that you’re missing quite a lot of apostrophes and some of the I’s aren’t capitalized. Also you might want to work on sounding natural because your last lines usually departed from the stanza at an odd angle. I suggest writing without rhyme and just scribble whatever comes into mind. And then afterward you can go over, read it out aloud, make changes and then, if you want, you could tweak the sentencing a bit to rhyme. But otherwise, it’s a good start, good job!
Well, lets see, first off, ‘appriciated’ is spelled ‘appreciated’. And a little work on the spacing of the poems and the titles will be ok. But in general, I love your poems. It’s different then most and the rhyming didn’t make the poem sound weird and unnatural. The theme of your poems are interesting too and I’ll give you credit for being the most natural at writing poems. I look forward to more of your poems in the future. Until then, great job!
That was emotionally touched; dark and sad. However I believe 'abanded' is an actual word. Was 'abandoned' what you were trying to aim for? I think this is a lovely short poem. You have great potential and I'll like to see more of your poems in the future! Great job!
Heh, it was an odd piece. It had some mystical feel to it and I rather like how it was details the situation. I really enjoyed it. Alas, there was something missing. I’m not sure what exactly, but it lacked a sense of darkness in the beginning.
It probably was your sentence structure. There was a lot of ‘I…’ and the following of ‘look(ed)’, ‘was’, and ‘could’. This style and word choices only described. You should probably use more riveting vocabularies.
Try writing your pieces and then reviewing and think to yourself “What is the emotion I want to portray? What am I getting out of the piece right now? How can I extract vivid sensations?”
For example: “I could feel the warm gushing of blood, I could taste death.”.
Imagine the flowing of blood and the bitter taste of death. Twist the image and use whatever is in that context like your veins (in which the blood pours out) and the tongue. Create a dramatic scene with each sentence.
You could change it to “I felt the throbbing flow of blood cleaning out of my vein; death burns its acid on my tongue.”
Exaggerate! It’s a wonderful tool when it comes to tragedy and drama. That way, the happy ending stands out.
But other than, it’s a great piece! Great job!
I love this poem! Alas, there are some things I noticed. In the third line, maybe cut it into two lines, “I cannot show it…” and “I do have these feelings…”. In the line fourth line, it has the feel of an amateur (not that I’m saying you are!). Instead of saying “I wish they would show” maybe you could say something along the lines of “my heartaches to relieve” or work off a expression like that. In the line “I hurt and can’t show it the pain is immense but no one knows it.” Edit it a bit more like putting “the pain is…” as a second line and don’t but “it” on the end. And the last line, “Let it all stop…”, does not make sense because the people are not suppressing your ability to cry, it is the fact that you are unable to cry. Begin with something like “break me out of this and soon, let me cry”. Otherwise, I like this topic and a bit of a tweak here and there, it’ll be good!
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