Boy am I glad I clicked on your story. :) Your descriptions are marvelous and as a reader, I was swept away. This could certainly turn into something more than what it is because the character already has such a great story to tell. It almost reminded me of the beginning of a Nicholas Sparks novel.
My only note is that the punctuation sometimes seemed a little off. For example,
"It was because of her, he really remembered Orion."
I would change that to
"Because of her, he really remembered Orion."
or
"It was because of her that he really remembered Orion."
It is mostly little things like that but it really didn't need much editing. If you wanted to add another description (since that's obviously your talent), I would want to hear more about what the cottage looked like, inside and out. My favorite line was definitely "A comfortable old shoe in a closet of stilettos."
This is such an interesting topic on which to write a poem. It's easy to write about someone we know personally but as you conveyed in your poem, people can be affected by the deaths of people we have never even met (as I suspect you were by Mr. Robin Williams).
I liked the scheme because you can tell you ended lines purposefully and separated certain words to make them stand out, like how Robin is in a line by itself. I also love that you called him The Grand Master. Is that something you made up?
If anything were to be added, I would wonder if you would want to mention something about the depression he suffered from. This is just something I read online multiple times and we don't really know the truth, of course, but adding something personal about him could certainly add to the poem.
First of all, I really loved the ending. I saw a contest for stories that have surprise endings and I think yours would fare well.
I would watch out for small grammar mistakes. Some sentences can be placed together instead of short, choppy sentences so it flows better.
I have to say that my favorite aspect of the story was this planet the people lived on (or is it a future Earth?) I assume the random capitalized words were part of this weird planet and sometimes, their technology. I think that explaining their culture or background (or time period) would add a lot to the story. You give the reader just enough to understand that it's different than a normal household but I would love to read more about it. This could also add to the Elf's story and how he got there.
Overall, I found it interesting and I would certainly read more of your work.
FOG
Short as it is, your poem is powerful and bold! You described it as a life lesson for the girls and I love that that is your audience, even though it is great advice for anyone in any time of life, in my opinion.
I think some of the thoughts are biblical or religious in some way. For example, you mention the Golden Rule. If you were to add any more stanzas, there are many more wise words from the Bible you could use as well as what you have now. Even if it is not a religious poem, it still is a great way to live life: thinking before you do or speak and doing to others what you want done to you. It is well-written and easy to understand although I would have liked some clarification on what you meant by Emotional thought, deceitful.
I love your poem and it is the perfect time for this story to be told! Some like to be creative and add more to the Bible than what is said but I love that you stayed historically accurate and told it just like it is. The Bible doesn't need anything added to it!
A few notes I might add: First, although it looks very nice, remember that you don't have to have each line exactly the same length. So in order to make the poem flow better, maybe you would consider changing some lines. The poem is a little wordy in many areas and taking out a few things would help it sound much better when read aloud.
Overall, great theme and the wordiness is my biggest critique. Welcome to WdC!
FOG
Hi Patti,
I don't usually review poetry but I decided to try something new! I enjoyed your poem and had to read it a few times to really get the full grasp of it. I like that you chose a topic that can relate to anyone because of course, we all want a world with no war and only love.
I think the rhyme scheme is really interesting and helps your poem to stand out. The only notes I have are for the punctuation and the layout of the poem. I would be sure to use complete sentences and put a period only at the end of each thought. For example, "What if the world was torn all the way down
making it much more beautiful and more real?
No more hate, only love spread around,
only compassion with happiness is what we'd feel."
This is just a suggestion since I know poems and their punctuation can really vary. As included in my example, maybe you could also shorten some sentences so it flows better.
Overall, good job and keep writing! Welcome to WDC.
FOG
Hello!
I was searching for a short story to review and I am glad I chose this one! The despair the composer felt was so clear. I especially love the way you describe her appearance. She is not only sobbing and sitting, she has messy hair and mascara on her face.
Something else I would have liked is more description of the room. Is she in their bedroom or somewhere else? Maybe there are pictures of her and her husband on the wall or other things that remind her of him.
Overall, the story was very well-written and an interesting concept for an emotional story. I only saw a few grammar mistakes that weren't so bad. I would suggest using two sentences for [She stood and walked over to her stack of staff paper, "Music," She mutters.]
Maybe more like,
[She stood and walked over to her stack of staff paper.
"Music," she mutters.]
Starting a new paragraph with dialogue might help it stand out since it is the only word she utters in the entire story.
Great job and keep writing!
FOG
Your tale is intriguing! I feel like a whole book series could come right out of this short story because there is so much to explain.
I like the use of language throughout. It's different to only hear the story from the narrator's point of view and yet, the reader still knows what's going on based on what he says. It's an interesting perspective and makes it more captivating. Your word illustration is also quite good when you describe the "emptiness" Sand experiences. Your grammar includes some run-on sentences and such, but the rest of your structure is very good. Overall, this is very well-written and I enjoyed it very much!
This is a really cool thought. May you could expand on it a little more? It's only one paragraph, but you could go so much deeper into it, or maybe make it into poetry.
You say that we have to be here for a reason: what do you think the reason is? You say everyone believes in a god or they don't: do you? If so, what does your god say is the reason you, specifically, are here? There are so many different thoughts that could be added to this!
I think you have a good start to something here if you wished to continue it. Also, be sure to watch your grammar, there are a lot of run-on sentences and other things.
This is so very encouraging! We are called to live a life of love and servanthood and we are despised for our dedication to follow through. What a great reminder that no matter what hatred the world has toward us and what persecution we endure, it is actually beneficial for us!
I especially liked the paragraph that described the entire point of Christianity. "It was meant to reconnect man to God in a way that bypassed fetid tradition and create a zone of association, namely the church, for God's pleasure and glory." We are here for His pleasure and glory ONLY! He doesn't put us here to live a life of constant happiness and joy, but to turn others to Him and His holiness. We are to fellowship together and encourage each other when we are persecuted by the world because they don't understand the love and hope that we live by.
I love that you gave some history about what Christians have done. This makes the writing more than just a feel-good piece, and may give others a new perspective. These are good examples on the impact Christians have had on the world, not just living for our own joy, but using what we've been blessed with to bless others.
1 John 3:13 says, "Marvel not, my brethren, if the world hate you." We should expect to be hated because the holiest man to walk the earth was the most despised and He is the one we should be modeling our lives after. Like you quoted from Matthew, we are actually blessed to be persecuted. It is practically a compliment! This means that the world sees not just religion, but Jesus Christ through us.
Thank you for the encouragement! God bless you and your writing endeavors!
Very well written! This seems to be an intriguing story and I hope there will be more chapters!
What caught me first was the description. I was searching for a short story to review and your title and description gave me enough information about the story to catch my eye. Good job!
One thing that confused me a bit was the switch from first to third person throughout the chapter. You speak as if we are not inside Nicholas' head, but then comments like "Hey, you try walking through a pitch black library!" are used. A suggestion would be to stick to one side so we know who is talking as we read. There are also a few grammatical errors, but, of course, no one is perfect!
The cliffhanger on the end of the chapter keeps the reader wanting more (I know I do!) so this is a good place to end it for now! :) Very good job!
God bless you and your writing endeavors!
Best wishes,
FOG
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