Hello Lynda Miller ! I am reviewing "Oops!" as a part of your rabbit package from the Chinese New Year Auction. Please note that these are only my opinions and I am not an expert on anything.
Plot:
Your title and your story description were what intrigued me enough to get me to want to read it. I liked how the events in your story were very realistic, for example, how even the trip to the spa wasn’t as wonderful as it was expected. It made your story very believable, and relate-able, which was very nice.
Characters:
I liked the way your characters interacted with each other. You can tell how they all seem to be rather good friends. I especially liked how down-to-earth Daryl was. My favourite line was:
"Daryl are you nervous about tonight?" Marty asked.
"No, I either win or don't, simple as that."
Suggestions:
When writing lines that the characters are saying, if a character says two lines, I feel that it would flow a bit better and sound less choppy if there was only one “he/she said”. For example, instead of saying
"You're right. Oh Look, there's Mary and Shelia." Dawn said.
"Mary, Shelia, we're over here." Dawn shouted.
Perhaps you could write, “you’re right, Oh look, there’s Mary and Shelia.” Dawn said. “Mary, Shelia, we’re over here.” Or, instead of that last sentence, you could just end it with “Dawn said as she waved them over.”
Secondly, there are a couple places where there are tiny details that aren’t really important, and I feel that it sort of draws attention away from the story. For example,
They arrived at the center and walked into the building and up the escalator where they were directed to the correct room and table.
Maybe you could change it to “Upon arriving at the center, they were directed to the correct room and table.”
lock her things up-locked her things up
"Hi Dawn, Hi Mary, how are you?" Dawn asked. – Jean asked. Also, maybe you could briefly say who Mary is. As she wasn’t really introduced, I initially assumed that Mary was an attendant, not a friend.
I didn't like – I don’t like
I din't like the – I didn’t like the
replied. We are sharing – replied. “We are sharing
Final Thoughts:
You have a great plot and I loved the moral of the story, particularly the twist at the end! It was very funny but also very true. Great job with the story! Keep writing! |
|