On my first read of this poem, I had very low expectations of how this poem would turn out. All to often, the way texts are written in poems and stories is unrealistic, annoying to read, and worst of all, just pointless. However, I was actually quite pleasantly surprised by how they were used in this poem! Not only are the actually text believable enough, but the contrast between the short, simple text and the detailed description actually creates an interesting commentary on the social rules of texting, and how they often simplify conversations down to basic components instead of creating meaningful discussion.
Unfortunately, I feel that the current formatting of the poem is a bit sloppy, making it a bit tricky to read. One of the biggest issues is that it can be tricky to determine which lines are a text message and which are just lines of the poem. For example, the line "laying on my bed, thinking" could be either the reply to the text message, or a description of what the sender of the previous text is doing. It's not too hard to figure out the meaning through context, but Using italics or bold text would make it much easier to read the poem and prevent the formatting from slowing down readers. I would also recommend adding extra space between the short texts and the paragraph near the end of the poem, as this would improve the spacing of the poem.
Overall, this poem says quite a lot, but is a bit distracting as a result of the formatting. I think, with a few changes, this could be an amazing poem.
Wow, what an absolutely wonderful poem! I'm usually not a big fan of heavily structured poems, as they often can come of a bit forced when a line is written to fit into the specific meter or rhyming scheme. (I still find the rhyming of astray with cliche to be a little cheesy.) However, in this poem, it works very well and uses the advantages of structure to serve its function.
I think that the method of using your tattoos to write about important parts of your life and your identity is a very unique and creative idea. However, a few aspects of how it's written, such as formatting, make it a bit tricky to follow.
First of all, the work is not formatted into paragraphs. This creates the "wall of text" effect which makes it harder to keep track of where you are on the page. To fix this, you could make a new paragraph for every tattoo you discuss. Secondly, I thought that the introduction to the paper was a bit weak. Your comparison showing the similarity of getting a tattoo to keeping an item for memory is good, but you have a few redundant sentences. For example, you say “i’m talking about tattoos.” right after saying “Tattooed portraits of loved ones or pets, names of the special people in their lives, things that mean something special to the people that have them.” This just ends up feeling repetitive. I also think you could mention how a tattoo becomes a permanent part of your identity as a contrast to just keeping items.
Overall, this writing was a fresh take on a biographical essay, using a tattoo to bridge between multiple stories. With a bit of editing, this could be a very enjoyable and interesting work!
I really like this poem! One of its best strengths was that it was just fun to read, which is where many poems fall flat. For example, I really enjoy how you can hear the speaker has a very consistent voice, which makes them feel like a real person. One thing I thought you could have done more is take more time to describe the both the speakers imagined appearance of the customer and the actual appearance. How it is right now is good, but it almost feels like a missed opportunity to have some good sensory language. However, this is still a well written poem that I had a great time reading.
This is pretty good for a first submission. One thing I liked in particular was that you used the blue sky to represent a kind of restrictive for, when it usually represents freedom. One thing that could make this much better, though, is use of more imagery. At the moment, the article seems to use more telling than showing. I understand that you want to make sure that the message gets through, but I think softens the possible impact of some of your symbolism. One example of a change I would make would be instead of just saying that the dreams can grow or evolve, try describing their possible growth, comparing it to something like the growth of a tree. You could also try to describe clouds in the sky as restrictive forces, as at the moment, the sky is not really described in a way that sounds restrictive. Overall though, I think this was a pretty good submission, and with a little work it could easily be incredible. Keep it up!
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