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40 Public Reviews Given
41 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Just $29.95  Open in new Window.
Review by Figment Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow. I love this, man. I decided to finally get off my ass and read some of your work and I'm glad I landed here as a first stop before bedtime. I love the dark, comical brutality of this. I hate those freaking, late-night, crack commercials with a passion. Excellent job! The use of the character's lack of sleep to cause some confusion as to whether it was real or not was wonderful as well. Good work.

BUT WAIT....
THERE'S MORE!!!

I completely pictured this going down in my head. I love stories that make you laugh while something truly horrific is actually happening. It summarizes the desensitization of our culture, no?

My only suggestions, as I am no wizard of grammatical perfection, would be a couple, nit-picky, stylistic opinions:

I wanted him to pull out the classic "pinch myself" when the commercial salesman told him he was asleep. Just to satisfy that part of my brain and to help drag that immersion out a little more into a potential dreamland.

I would also liked to have heard more of an observational description of him sawing through his forearm. A nice wipe of his face to rub off the spurting blood, him really having to "put his elbow into it" to get through the bone. Something to make it just seem like carving the Thanksgiving turkey... I think that if you draw that out just a bit-- with the audience clapping at the end for the performance- it would really bring the ending home.

IF YOU CALL IN THE NEXT TEN MINUTES...
I'M GOING TO THROW IN AN ADDITIONAL ONE AT NO EXTRA CHARGE!!

Unbelievable. These commercials still continue to catch willing victims like a worm on a hook...
Speaking of a worm on a hook... I think I glanced something about an old man remembering the good old days.

I'll have to see if he caught anything good. :)

Thanks for the great read.
-Figment
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Review by Figment Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I liked this story because it stirred up a feeling of anxiety for me. Which it is no easy task to rattle up the dirt settled at the bottom of my soul. hahaha I normally only read horror, so this was a nice breakfrom that style-- I almost expected something along those lines from the description. ;) I think this painted a good picture of the ridiculous drive that people are expected to have regarding their jobs and, sadly, feel that they have to maintain for the almighty dollar. You told the story well with only a couple issues that stuck out over the first read:

A husband seemed almost insignificant at the time since her biological clock would toll before the one counting down her ability (there is a word missing here I think) acquire the title of Mrs. would.

So don’t justify doing something, even the wrong thing, for anything less than the right reasons. (I think that you should rather use italics here instead of bold font. Just my opinion. Bold font normally shouldn't have a place in story writing-- at least for the emphasis of words.)

Overall- a story that drew me in- surprisingly! haha :) Thanks for posting it!

Good luck!
-Figment
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Review by Figment Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I thought that this was an excellent piece that overall did a very good job at capturing the viewpoint of the vampire host. :) I like the way that you didn't include the guest's thoughts or dialogue in it because it seemed to make it more intimate. The only things that I found distracting were just a couple small things (picky picky hahaha). I definitely get that you wanted a pause in certain area, but I think that you might have went a little overboard with the "...". I have a tendency to do it was well because I really want the dialogue to have same rhythmic qualities that I hear in my head to the reader. But, visually, it becomes distracting when I do it (you as well ;) ). I would try to rework using a double dash or commas to get those pauses in there rather than periods.

The only other thing was completely my opinion... I didn't favor the line "No, we don't travel in packs...we aren't animals, dammit.". With the elegant way that the host was talking the entire piece, this seemed crude and unlike him by comparison. I would think that a more condescending remark here would be better. It sounds like he gets angry at this part, but I like the calmness that he has through the rest of the piece. Up to you! ;)

Thanks for posting it!! I definitely think that you did a great job with this since you said you hadn't written anything in 20 years. A little reworking and this could grow from interesting to extraordinarily creepy. :) Good luck!
-Figment
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Review of Brown Paper Bag  Open in new Window.
Review by Figment Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Interesting story! Quite honestly it took a leap in a completely different direction than I expected- which is normally a good thing ;) I have a strange fondness for stories involving odd characters, strangers that have some terrible secret that they are dying to pull the protagonist into. This story served that dish up piping hot for me- thanks for that! hahaha I'm also a big fan of the power of a kid's imagination versus the disbelief that comes with adulthood. This is an excellent story, the only negatives I had were that I didn't quite understand the point of it all. What was the trick that the strangers were playing? Why were they shocked by the kid's actions? What power did he use to overcome their temptation? I desperately yearned to hear more about those strangers... and the power of the kid's imagination that was used to overcome them. I think with some expansion in that realm of the tale- this could be a very, very cool story indeed! Thanks for posting it! I'll definitely be checking out some of your other work! Keep it up. ;)
-Figment
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Review of Mister Klean  Open in new Window.
Review by Figment Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
You did a great job on this story, but ultimately the ending left me a little in the dark. I liked the idea of that statue coming to life and dealing with that jerk Carl. >:) I think that the story could use a little expansion however. I definitely understand that, since this was for the Daily Slice (a favorite haunt of mine) that the infernal 1000 word limit makes it hard to really create the depth of suspense that I personally like.

I love the line: The armor was brilliant now, blazing white, bleaching the world around him; the room, his clothes, his blood – all white. (bleaching the world around him)- excellent imagery!

I read somewhere that the worst thing that can happen with a great story is to bring it to a weak ending. Unfortunately, I think that is where this one went. It leaves the reader feeling a little jaded by the conclusion of things. I really wanted to know if the apartment was, in fact, cleaned up? Was the body still there? etc, etc.... But again, I feel you on trying to condense the story into 1000 words. (I KNOW YOUR PAIN!! hahahaha)

Overall, I really liked the story- just a few minor quirks to fix in a rewrite and this will be very solid. I'm not too strong on the technical/grammar front- so I didn't go through and knit-pick that. I hope you take the time to rewrite this so I can check out the finish product! ;) Thanks for posting this and I hope to read more from ya!
-Figment

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Review of Do Not Go Gently  Open in new Window.
Review by Figment Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
LOVED IT!! The only part that I absolutely hated was the ending!!! hahaha I truly hope that you have some plans to expand this story. I am a huge fan of the things that kids can see in the dark and this story was wonderful in that aspect. I loved the visuals it brought to me and definately left me anxious to know more about this whole world you created here. :) I honestly can't think of anything negative to say- I'm not the world's greatest technical reviewer.

I really liked the mood and the characters- if you do write any more in relation to this story, I'd be thrilled to read it.
Thanks for an excellent tale!
-Figment
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Review of Fear  Open in new Window.
Review by Figment Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
As soon as I read the first stanza, it reminded me of something I would hear in a Tim Burton movie or in a song by Tom Waits. (Both, whom I LOVE) This poem has a lot of potential but is in need of a slight tune-up to get the motor purring. ;) The first stanza is great just the way it is- but:

Oh, what can you do-
But frown. (Needs some more words here to keep the rhythm you established in the first stanza)

I'm thinking the next stanza should go something closer to:

They creep up on you to bite off your head,
Keep one eye open- or you may end up dead.

The last stanza is a little clunky as well. I'm not sure what to suggest there as I'm pretty lost as to what you intended it to mean. :/ Here's an idea, maybe:

The spiders who will poison you,
that crawl across the floor,
will entomb you in their silky webs,
unless you can make it to the door.

(Just a suggestion)

As I tell everyone- these are just my ideas/thoughts to help you make this better. I'm not trying to rewrite it or anything (and quite frankly you can tell me to stuff it if you'd like :) hahaha) just trying to help make the piece better. Because, judging by the first stanza (which, again, I love) you have the potential to make this a really cool poem! I hope to read more in the near future. Till then- keep those fingers moving!
-Figment
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Review of The Intervention  Open in new Window.
Review by Figment Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Awesome! I can't begin to tell you how much I loved this! There was a lot of stuff from my childhood in there and I caught myself laughing out loud quite a bit. This is a great story. It does need a BUNCH of work to revise it (sorry- but true) but other than that, I really love it. :) Here's a few things I noticed that I wanted to point out. Please keep in mind that I have taken the time to point this stuff out to help you. I want you to try and make this story better in any way possible:

She was still picking up things at garage sales and thrift shops without even asking me, and one day she brought home a jacket that I only gave a passing glance as she explained she was going to fix the zipper and make some other repairs.
- there are quite a few run-on sentences in this piece. I do it too! :) But remember that breaking these down into smaller sentences just makes the piece easier to read and understand. Example: "She was still picking up things at garage sales and thrift shops without even asking me. One day she brought home a jacket. I only gave it a passing glance as she explained she was going to fix the zipper and make some other repairs."


I often felt wwamped by emotions and experiences I didn’t understand.
- wwamped should be swamped

The drop of a pencil, a flash of light, intense smells, tastes and bright colors often whirled around me in an explosion of sensations that blasted right in my face from about 10 different directions at once.
- "An explosion of sensations blasted right into my face; the drop of a pencil, a flash of light, intense smells, tastes and bright colors. They whirled around me in ten different directions at once." I think this works a little better, but I'm not the master of the semi-colon so I could be wrong!

There were so many secrets in this cold dark house.
-small, picky fix- "cold, dark house"

My father, a talented mechanic who worked out of the house, was not the kind of man you could trust with your feelings, so I was the only person she felt she could trust.
- another run-on. Try: "My father, a talented mechanic, worked out of the house. He wasn't the kind of man you could trust with your feelings. I ended up being the only person my mom felt she could trust."

I felt obligated to take care of her emotionally; I also felt compelled to defend myself against her manipulations, and compelled not to, because we were members of the Church of Christ, a church that followed a strict, liberal interpretation of the bible and therefore had no place for people like me, nor did the heaven it had created; it demanded absolute obedience regardless of circumstances, and I had to sit in church and constantly listen to the preacher insist that children obey their parents no matter what.
- Man, this is impressive just as one of the longest run-on sentences I have ever seen! hahaha :) Try this: "I felt obligated to take care of her emotionally. I also felt compelled to defend myself against her manipulations. We were members of the Church of Christ, a church that followed a strict, liberal interpretation of the bible, and therefore had no place for people like me. Nor did the heaven it had created. It demanded absolute obedience regardless of circumstances. I had to sit in church and constantly listen to the preacher insist that children obey their parents no matter what."


“Marshmallow” was the nickname he had pinned on me for looking, as he put it, “all jelled out”
- just a stylistic opinion- I would put "all jelled out" in italics instead of quotations.

It was a major effort to do anything – I couldn’t see anything as a part of a system or a process, I couldn’t concentrate on my studies, and everyone was coming down on me for not studying and getting better grades.
- Another run-on (I'm going through a few of these to give you some examples of how to remedy different kinds of these). Try: "It was a major effort to do anything. I couldn’t see anything as a part of a system or a process and I couldn’t concentrate on my studies. Everyone kept coming down on me for not studying and getting better grades."


I was a C student, and my parents and teachers insisted I was capable of straight As if I’d just try harder
- picky, picky... should be "A's"

The kids at Baker were manic micromanagers, as I suppose most teenagers are – American society is rife with micromanaging – and I think it’s only become worse since I was a teenager.
- Try: "The kids at Baker were manic micromanagers, as I suppose most teenagers are. American society is rife with micromanaging. I think it’s only become worse since I was a teenager."

Emotional connections were often strange and overpowering for me – making connections with people outside of the chaos ravaging my brain was extremely difficult – but I’d known them for so long that they’d come to accept my eccentricities and the relationship felt totally comfortable.
- Try: "Emotional connections were often strange and overpowering for me. Making those connections with people, outside of the chaos ravaging my brain, was extremely difficult. But, I’d known them for so long that they’d come to accept my eccentricities. The relationship(s?) felt totally comfortable."

To me, it was just another necessary evil, and I slipped away to sit by the campfire with Cabeza de Vaca and the other shipwrecked srvivors.
- should be "survivors"

** I had sent her a carnation for Valentine’s Day. She’d stripped off the petals, wrote “fuck head” on the card and stuck it in a slot in my locker. This had just made me want her even more.
- I love this line... hahahaha :) No errors. I just loved it.

However, the film featured a guy teaching his girlfriend how to smoke by first drawing on the joint, holding the smoke in your lungs, and then letting it out. I sat there watching the film and thought, ‘Oh, so that’s how you do it.’
- You might want to put the quote in italics- but I pointed this line out because, wow... this brings back the feeling of irony for the stuff they chose to show you in school. hahahaha How many kids learned the right way to do things they were NOT supposed to do. Good stuff! :)

I felt horrible now, because I could feel my mother feeling horrible.
- Just a lot of repetition in this line. Maybe try: "I felt horrible now, because I could see my mother was hurt." Something like that.


Well, that's it. For the first read through. :) I took a lot of time with this, again, because it spoke to me. I was constantly tormented during my childhood by stupid bullies and have since developed a HUGE adversion for them. Martial arts and working out have helped my viewpoint with them considerably. hahahaha :) Thanks a bunch for posting this. I really like it!!! Hopefully, with some revision, it will develop into the piece I think it can become. I hope this review helps. Keep writing!
-Figment
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Review of The Dream  Open in new Window.
Review by Figment Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Good story! I definately liked the build up and the whole idea of the creature itself. There was some good imagery involved with creating my visual image of the creature. While I did like the piece, there were quite a few things that I thought didn't work with the structure of it. These are just my opinions, of course, but I offer them in hopes that they will help you refine the piece. :)

---------

"At first they were in the tree branch that was scratching against her window with its claw like branches."
- I think this is just an oversight. I would reword this. I'm not compeltey certain of the intent, so I cant really offer my opinion on what I would do.

"They came closer to her window and what she saw terrified her beyond the definition of terrified, it was a snarled and oozing face that was blackened and the only life she could see in it were those terrible and fierce evil glowing eyes."
- I would chop this up a bit and reword: "They came closer to her window and what she saw terrified her beyond what she could have imagined. It was a snarling face, blackened, and oozing. The only life she could see in it were those terrible and fierce evil glowing eyes." (something like that)

"It knocked gently on the window and she could hear, not so much out loud, but in her mind as if a telepathic connection were being made between her and it; let me in little, pretty thing, oh won’t you let me in."
- I think would work better like: "It knocked gently on the window. She could hear it speak in her mind, as if a telepathic connection were being made between her and it,"Let me in little, pretty thing. Oh, won’t you let me in?" (or italics- up to you!)

"It suddenly became dark and the over powering smell of rot and dampness filled her nostrils to the w retching point."
- This sentence is a little awkward. I think something closer to: "It suddenly became dark and the over powering smell of rot and dampness filled her nostrils. She felt like she would vomit." (Something closer to that)

"As she scrambled to find some semblance of a doorway to escape in she heard an explosion of breaking glass then the room was filled with a new smell, one of sulfur, decay and pure evil."
- Kind of a run-on. I would suggest: "She scrambled to find some semblance of a doorway to escape. Suddenly, she heard an explosion of breaking glass and the room was filled with a new scent- one of sulfur, decay and pure evil." (I could be wrong with the hyphen, I'm no English professor. Just what I would have used. hahaha )

"She screamed as she desperately flailed at the oozing wall to find escape, her hands covered in thick, oozing and foul smelling slime."
- You used oozing twice in this sentence. I would remove one (thick and foul smelling slime- is better).

"The evil creature chocked out a menacing laughter as it watched her desperate attempts at flight from it."
- Just a little awkward again. I would say "...as it watched her desperate attempts to flee."

"It grinned cracking the skin around its mouth with a little puff of decaying dust and pounced for it’s victim"
- My personal preference: lose the "for its victim." It isn't necessary here.

"She smelt her own blood trickling down her back and chest, smelt it."
- Not sure why you repeated 'smelt' twice. I would suggest "She smelled her own blood trickling down her body as the creature attacked her." something closer to that.

"It screeched in satisfaction as she bled and gasped from the open wound in her throat, then released her and fled into the night."
- should probably be two sentences: "It screeched in satisfaction as she bled and gasped from the open wound in her throat." (I strongly suggest 'gurgled from the open wound')." It then released her and fled into the night."

"After settling her asthma attack, Suzy got up out of bed but whimpered as a shot of pain ran up her leg, she sat down to take a look at the source of her pain."
- another run-on. Try: "After settling her asthma attack, Suzy got up out of bed. She whimpered as a shot of pain ran up her leg. She immediately sat down to look at the source of her pain."

"She high tailed it out her bedroom and spent the rest of the night on the living room couch, unable to sleep."
- This is my opinion. I don't really like the term "high tailed". It almost made this ending line sound comical. I would use a word like "raced", "fled in a panic", "burst".

** I hope all of this helps. Please remember that the reason I took to the time to go over all of these things is because I think this could be a really good story with some work. So, I've tried my best to help!! :) I wish you luck with revising it and thanks a bunch for posting it!!
-Figment
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Review by Figment Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Wow... there is definately a very powerful message here and I'm glad you posted this. For some odd reason, I picture this mural they have at the Denver International Airport with guys in gas masks. If you've never seen it- look it up- it is VERy strange. The image itself here is very short but does the job effectively I think. There are just a very minor typos and the like i wantedto point out:

* "Thousands of eyes hidden behind tented in circles"- is this supposed to be "tents in circles"?

* "every nose has hose coming from it"- should this be "...has hoses coming from it"? In my personal opinion the rhyme that occurs here breaks a little of the mood becauseit is so close together. But, then again, since the line "...white faces are a slur of races"- it almost sort of works. Simply a matter of opinion I guess. :)

* "Inside this mass are idividuals"- should be "individuals"

" "...not perfect in one mans eyes."- should be "one man's"

All in all, I did enjoy the piece for the hopeless feeling that it creates. It is a good snapshot. I am a terrible imagery addict so I would like to say that- the imagery that is here is wonderful, but I do wish there was more. I think that describing the tendrils of gas spilling around the tents and summarizing the sounds of people in the area would be great to create a powerful atmosphere for the emotional content.

As always, this is all simply my opinion. :) Take what you like and toss the rest. This has the potential, once polished, to be a very powerful short piece in my opinion. Again, I thank you for posting it!
-Figment
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Review of The Cell  Open in new Window.
Review by Figment Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I really enjoyed this story. The story itself was excellent. The thought of a bunch of mice, all in rows, talking about a jailbreak- I found very entertaining. There were really only a couple of things i noticed that needed to be fixed:

1- "the moisture from the stone dripping all around him to the point where he hardly noticed them now" needs to be changed to "...where he hardly noticed it now" or "...where he hardly noticed the falling drops now." something like that. The sentence has the incorrect noun in it.

2- "On occassion he's scratch his blotchy black and pink nose, still dripping from the years of harsh treatment and nary a warm blanket to hide under." needs to change to "On occasion he scratched..." or "On occasion he found himself scratching..." this will bring the sentence into the past tense that the rest of the piece is in.

3- This is just my opinion, but the line "hardly aware of the fluid seeping into his tathered pants." might want to change to "hardly aware as the fluid seeped into his tattered pants." Again, this puts the sentence more in line with the past tense of the piece.

All in all, I really enjoyed it for the development of the main character and the scene it created in my mind. I think with a little more work on detailing the cell, the main character's thought process, etc- this would be an awesome piece of work. Please take everything I have said, of course, as meerly my opinion. I, alas, am only a writer myself (how good of one is still up for judging hahahaha). I want to thank you for posting it and I look forward to seeing more in the future!

-Figment
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Review of Bloodlust  Open in new Window.
Review by Figment Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Very short piece, but there were a couple lines that perked me up with their imagery so I couldn't NOT make some sort of review! :) I loved the lines "serenade me with your tongue" and "just let your natural wine drip down"- both of these just sounded very smooth and natural. I like the feeling of "relentless temptation" in the piece as well. I'm a big fan of the "dark character tempting the more innocent one into evil" kind of stories. So I definately liked this- looking at it as more of a soliloquy that anything else. Nice work! But, ah yes, the vampire thing itself IS getting out of control. (don't throw any rocks at me for this next statement, people!!) but blame ole Susan Meyer for that... it was Anne Rice in my High School days. Dracula is still one of my favorite books- so I'm sticking with that version on the vampire personally, hahahaha Thanks for posting this! :)
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Review of To Dream  Open in new Window.
Review by Figment Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
It's little moments like this that tend to stick with us, isn't it? I'm assuming this is a true story that you're writing about...and that being the case, it's crazy in itself how writers cling to these moments and have to get them back out through our own words to share. I really liked the feel of the moment. My only suggestion would be to describe the people, the street, the scene itself in more detail. I got a good glimpse in my head about where it all happened, but I found the writer in myself wanting to know what those people would have said while they watched him, what they did in reaction to this cry of despair... I can only assume a moment of silence would have followed his cry. That emptiness of silence from the people around him and you standing there as if time had frozen would really create a powerful moment I think and really bring home the sense of wonder at the ending. Just my suggestion, of course. I did enjoy the piece quite a bit. Thanks for posting it!
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Review of The Modern Way  Open in new Window.
Review by Figment Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hahaha!! I can't even begin to explain how hard I laughed at this. Great stuff!! The imagery was awesome and some of the rants were absolutely hilarious. I love that this entire tirade came from the obserdity of ordering a plain cup of coffee at Starbucks. Well done! For some reason I find it hard to sit here and critque any tiny structural issues because it makes me feel like I would be letting down the entire point of the tale. But, alas, it wouldn't be a review then... "meh". I'm going with- capitalize Borg, remove the space in line 8 after "fruit really does". There... I've done my duty (a wee bit) like a good little automaton. Thanks so much for the outright laughter. :)
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Review of Witch  Open in new Window.
Review by Figment Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I dig it. :) This sounds like something i would have written in class many moons ago. haha There are only a couple misses on punctuation (first and last sentence) that I saw through the first read. I really enjoyed the imagery. Of course, all review is a matter of opinion, but I see that you do the same thing I tend to sometimes: your sentences are very long with imagery. Some people don't mind that, some people hate it. I personally think the people that like short sentences simply don't have any freakin' attention span (haha)- but I've heard it before in my work, figured I'd point it out in yours as a *possible* pitfall. But in my opinion, with a little polish, this is a great, little snapshot piece. Thanks for posting it. Again, I really liked the imagery in it. :)
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Review of Life  Open in new Window.
Review by Figment Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I've spent a whole lot of time writing "dark" poetry in the past so I definately appreciate a good poem in that genre. Ironically, I'm not normally a fan of poetry thats rhymes, but this poem is an exception to that rule. :) I wanted to point out that in the fourth stanza, last line, you just need to fix the "It it leaves" to "If it leaves". The rhyming works pretty well for the poem, the only place I didn't quiet like it (and the reason I'm not a rhyming fan, mind you) is that the last line sounds a little forced in its structure. But, other than that, very good poem! As a disclaimer, this is all simply my opinion and, with poetry being the art form that it is, please take it as only my interpretation. Thanks for posting it.
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Review by Figment Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I really liked this story! I think its always important to get the reader to feel that pull of empathy towards the main character and I also felt it with even the ghosts. The only thing that left me wanton was to know more about the backstory of the main character. I wanted to know why or how she came to know she had these abilities. I feel there could be more development there, but otherwise this is a great story. :)
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