Hello and thank you for posting this witty story! I am new here and hence new to reviewing, but here goes...!
I really enjoyed the flow of the story, the way you set it out. The idea of the angel and devil mummy, very clever. I think any parent would understand this.
For me personally, I would have liked you to take it further, but maybe this piece is about you and not fictional. I would have liked to hear bad mummy being really bad and maybe having an extra wine or something! You seemed a bit hesitant in making bad mummy too bad, which I can understand. For as we know, this is a typical parent and we all have those feelings of not being good enough, when of course we are.
No spelling mistakes that I could see.
Well done, I will have a look at more of your writing
I'm new to reviewing so obviously this is just a newbies opinion!
Firstly - It's a lovely poem! thank you for sharing :)
I don't read a lot of poetry, my think is quite the opposite (satire fiction), but appreciate the descriptions and how it makes me feel. I love that the first line then refers to the 3rd etc and the second line to the 4th etc....
I did however have to read it at least twice - maybe the flow can be tweaked? It feels like the first 4 lines are a little mixed...maybe the lonesome soul in the 2nd line and the painful memory in the 4th? You know like you're describing the lonesome soul first then all of it's feelings come after?? Anyway, that's just me ;)
I really liked this story, thank you! You kept me interested the whole way through and it flowed really well. The descriptions were great and you wrote the dialogue well I think.
I enjoyed the characters too, although I wasn't sure of the sex of the main character for a few paragraphs, so was a little confusing at first (but that could just be me!).
I want to know what happens at the reunion now - I want to read more!
Amanda
I can obviously only give my own opinions so here goes:
I really like the idea of emptying your purse and explaining the memory behind each item. In a way, this could be even better as a poem?
You could use a few more descriptive words...like in the first paragraph you use the word 'things' a few times which could be replaced with better words.
A possible word change - 'contains' to 'contents', but up to you.
I especially liked the last four paragraphs. I chuckled out loud at the description of breasts being out of alignment from going over speed bumps at an angle! I think story finished really well too.
In the beginning I was not sure what you meant by 'speed bumps' until the fourth paragraph. I mean i know what they are but I think the phrase 'have you been?' made me think I was missing something. But maybe that's just me ;) !
Hi there...my second ever review so i hope I help!
Your description took me in...learning to laugh...at others. Love it!
Your story flowed really well and was easy to read. Great descriptions, although I had to read twice what happened to your sister - i thought she had been actually struck by lightning at first!
The part where she gets flung by the shutter is funny, I can picture it happening.
It's a 'you had to be there' kinda scene but I did enjoy it too so thanks for sharing!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/fifijo
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 10:07pm on Jan 30, 2025 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
