Great; gives one something to think about, visuals gave me chills.
To give more power to this I would only look at a couple places in the story (more show instead of tell).
This is just my opinion, in no way do I intend to offend. It is still powerful as it stands.
1: Just sitting on the steps seems harmless, (;) (Use a semicolon to give a greater pause)
2: and realize that your head is under. Maybe (all at once you realize your head is under)
3: But now, it brings no joy. (Now, it brings no joy.)
Again, this is only my thoughts.
Keep writing
Fast2act
This is just my opinion, I can tell this came from your heart.
I always feel unease fooling around with writing of pain.
Use show not tell it gives it more power
Keep writing
I want a dad not just a donor number . I need a dad to be in my life, all the time, not only when it is convenient for him. I want a dad who is not slack, trifling or a habitual liar. I want a dad who keeps his word and never breaks any promises. ( I want a dad who always comes through no matter how busy he is.) I want a dad who (will not) put everything before me. One who puts me at the top of his (priority list.)
I want a good dad. I want to be able to say I want to marry somebody just like my father. I want a dad who’s going to be there for all my firsts, My first date, my first job, my first car, my first everything. I want a dad who is going to threaten my first boyfriend if he tries to touch me in the “wrong” way. I want a dad who tells me to “be safe” when I go out with my friends and to “be home by curfew”. I want a dad that makes me feel better when
(I am) sad and one who wipes the tears away when I’m crying.
I hope my dad comes to my graduation. I want him to be there cheering me on because I have finally finished high school. I want (him) to say. “That’s my baby girl” as I walk across the stage to get my diploma. I want my dad to help my mom plan the best graduation party ever. I want my dad to pull some strings and get one of his famous friends to perform at my party.
I want my dad to give my boyfriend “permission” to marry me. I would love to have my (him) walk me down the aisle when I get married. I want a dad who cries when he sees how beautiful I am in my white wedding dress. I want (him) to dance with me during the father daughter dance. I want my dad to get along with my mother so there will be no drama between families on my special day.
I want my dad to be there to see his grandson or daughter wearing an “I love my Papa” shirt. I want my dad to see me raise my kids and see me go through the struggles he had to go through with me.
I wish my dad (were) in my life as much as I wanted him too. I wish my dad (were) more involved. I want my dad to see me grow up. I want him to see what kind of woman I (will become.) I want my dad to care as much as I care. I want to hear my dad say “I love you” and I want to believe it. I don’t want there to be any doubt. I (do not) want money, shoes, or clothes I just want my (Daddy.)
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