As soon as I got done reading, I poured myself a cup of coffee, went out on the deck and thought about your story, the possibilities and the way you told it. Nothing to add, nothing to suggest.
I would compliment you on your basic writing style. Before the obvious hook of the story was revealed, and I should add that I didnt look at the title until afterwards, I was already enjoying your easy narrative style.
I imagine and hope that you might take this story further... it stands well as a set piece, but the possibilities are immense.
Fun, easy as hell to read, and of course we've all been in some kind of similar situation, so easily identifiable. Maybe Im just lazy, but I tend to enjoy stuff that doesnt waste any time getting to the point.
I wasnt gonna write a review. Something about your writing, or maybe the person your protagonist telss me you, tells me you dont care what I or anyone else thinks. But I do have a question for you that popped into my head as soon as I read this:
Are these actual verbatim events from your life, or are you using some lisence to write these? (I read the hot dog one too).
The reason I ask is that there is so much here to work with. I'd think you could take this in a bunch or hysterical, tragic, ironic directions. Its a great set-up. Obviously if you are just recounting events, this isnt an option. I am curious though.
Loved it. Throw in some paragraph brakes as thiis is being read on a computer monitor and the eyes need that break. I suppose my favorite part is the allusion to the revelation that your throat being like a nuns crotch (dry, Im assuming) coming shortly after your discussion of driftimg away from the church. Yeah, you've drifted!
I used to faint in church as well, always while kneeling as a member of the boys choir. Trying to fight it off was excruciating, and failing (always) was humiliating. The other guys looked at me like I was the either the biggest puss in the world, or the few ultra pious one (no one should be that God-fearing that young) that I was somewhere between disrespectful and evil.
Your venacular is a bit difficult to follow for an american, but I wouldn't change it a bit. Let us do the work, its worth it.
Thanks for the stories and keep it up.
Dave
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/evade
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 12:26am on Dec 23, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
