I like the three verses structure, makes the poem more appealing and easy to read.
Through out the poem you made verses very interesting, with interesting rhymes but to me, the conclusion is the best. I may say you end it up with very good impression! Congrats.
"Remember how it used to be
Though now we’re old
And at last we’re We"
Very beautiful and heartmelting imagery and message. With quite light, soft emotions.
Due to the rhyming and the repetion "Remember how...", the poem starts to gain a musicality which can be really hard to do, and yet - you've done it well.
For so long I don't read from you nor from your amazing work.
I truly missed your pieces, your power, your strength, all qualities that your writing has. All of them make love with each other and then, nine months later, your talent is born. Your amazing, twisted ability to new combinations of words and imagery must come from something so deep that I can only wish to reach it some day.
Love the metaphor that embraces your piece, love the agressivity that you pull off. You have very visual poetry - full of sensations. I think that might be what makes you so good.
I admire the way you somehow manage to consumate holy things with profane things. Your piece, not just this, is so full of it and it makes it so much richer.
Just to finish, I have to stand out your conclusion, because it is truly good.
"an absurd testimony to the holy fire
of our love."
I believe you've constructed some very beautiful and interesting verses, with great figures of speach - such as:
"None of it makes sense
A spur of fire and ice
Flames beneath the sea"
This is a great image to the reader, two very powerful and oposite forces. It provides so much more power and intensity to your piece.
Then again, your conclusion is a jewel:
"Then he would see
That though I don't understand it
His broken english comforts me"
Love the expression "broken english" and I love even more the fact that it "comforts". I think you owned the words and then you flexed them as you wished and you created art. An art with words - which is literature, of course. I truly like to read new combinations of words, something that we don't read, listen or say everyday. New expressions, something fresh that gains a lot more meaning.
I don't give you a perfect 5, although I enjoyed your piece a lot, as you may have noticed by the review, because you fell on some cliches:
"He hears but doesn't listen
He looks but doesn't see"
These are the only verses I don't like. Because they stand out negativitly in your piece. Just because all of your piece is very well constructed and with a very good master sense with words, and then this sounds so vulgar. It just doesn't fit in your piece. You could say the same in a different way. In a way which combines better with the rest of your amazing piece. Maybe you could lean on these two verses and all that you may notice that are ordinary and work a little on them. Talk to words, find new ones and new exprissions for what's commom knowledge will sound so much better and appealing.
You've got a very good piece on your hands, and a greater talent on your heart and mind.
I enjoyed it, it's a nice piece, easy to like and to read too.
It's also very soft and sweet, perfect to read in quite places. I did like the feelings in touch with the piece, you've done a pretty good job on putting the words here. Very nice verses.
It's good, I like the atmosphere you create all around the piece, and also through out the piece.
I like that you end up with the same verses you start with, because also they're pretty nice ones:
"We follow our darkness,
Until none remain"
Very deep. I do love the meaning behind the verses. Also, I enjoy the fact that you mention a "black flame", because flames are supposed to be the symbols of light and brightness and here there's this paradox - the flame is black. You turned a symbol of light into a symbol of darkness. Very interesting.
You've got good rhyming, some verses are very interesting, it sounds more like a premonition. It has very good struture.
The theme it's so familiar to everyone, and yet, in the form of a poem it's fresh. I believe there's an understanding of cooking on your knowledge and provides a "delicious" sense of humor. Seems something so innocent and then it grows into something a little twisted... always with chips aside!
The first part does seem a bit like a commercial. I don't know if that's your intention. It doesn't fit wrong, though. I love your figures of speech and your crazy metaphors. Where do this all come from?
The couple final verses are the deepest and the best.
They echo and are very profound.
However, You do have a lot of interesting verses here, but give them more thought, Make them more then they are - make them as deep as the final two. Especially, the first four verses.
Still, I enjoyed your work. It's a pretty nice piece. Very simple and clean. A lot coming from the heart.
Please do forgive me, my dear Christo!
But I do have a god excuse for my absence - I'm getting published! Not one, but two books! I've been so busy lately and happy and stressed out! ...
Oh well, but I have to say - you did not let me down! Absolutely love the piece! And I felt such warmth when I saw your e mail!
About the piece...
I love how surprises seem always to come around here, like a wave. It seems dowm and then here it comes - up high! Hidden with the movement of the waters and the sea. And you sure are Poseidon for me, Christo.
I like the irony in the tittle and it's so you. I do love your writing style. Your way to shock, how you make impressions, your literary roller coasters, your dark sense of humor hand to hand with the timeful sarcasm.
You use words carefuly - you do know words. You're friend with them. That's one of the things that makes you the great writer you are. You respect words and their meaning and you flex them well.
I adore the imagery of these verses, the last one it's a sublime conclusion. I do hear the noise, I do see the red and I do feel all the heat. All the blood, I see all the church.
Another great piece of work.
Keep in touch with me, please, I do love to read from you.
It's an interesting point of view - love as a battle field.
I think you could do so much metaphors with that great idea, but I liked the piece. You've got some very nice writing in here, such as the verse:
"A battle for love, I truly wonder if someone is immortal to love's bite"
I really enjoyed the expression - love's BITE. Because we usually relate love to arrows and hammers, but it's the first time I hear this concept, so I find it very atractive and fresh.
Everyone can agree that this is a very current theme. In my opinion you presented it in a very strong, in your face kind of way.
The figures of speach of course are beautiful, your charisma gets through when you opine - when you make those rhetorical questions, for example.
One little thing I liked is the poem has a very classic look and when you start that verse with "Oh!..." it makes it look also romantic and then the subject it is like the complete oposite - very mundane, very superficial, the ultimatum of awareness. It makes it amusing, like it has some bit of sarcasm.
You said it all. You said what is commom sense for ages; you said what people still ignore; you said it beautifully and you said it like only a great writer could have.
I truly liked the piece, it's very good, very strong and especially very well written.
You have such a graceful writing, I love how you put things together and make them come alive.
The theme it's a bit rough, I think. Because it's hard to write about writing itself without sounding usual. However, your piece felt fresh and original to me.
Plus, I loved the very last verse. The rhetorical question just sounds exquisite and gives to the piece a classy touch.
Love the struture - so simple, clean and sober. Works so perfectly, because it's a very nostalgic theme, sleep and dreams are related to numbness.
There's a lot in this piece, but all works so good together - there's fantasy going on, because of dreaming, there's reality because of the part of the character which is awake. The title is a jewel, also. I find it very beautiful and it's full of background knowledge, because of the mythological meaning.
I truly like the very first verse and then, later, the mention of the song. It really stands out and makes everything more flowy.
I believe you have a lot of talent, keep on writing your heart out,
You were capable to put strength in a poem wich flowed so naturally.
The piece kept a pretty good rythm and you used words right - the sonority is great. For example, you used a lot of "s". It makes the piece sounds more flowy.
The piece gets through a lot of feeling, maybe a little gray nostalgia.
I think you've done really well, trully loved your writing.
First of all the tittle really caught my eye! Great humor, great metaphor.
The piece itself it's really good, especially the last verses :
"and not being catholic,
she could not confess herself
clean that next morning, so
by sunday night
the weight of monday morning was on her
and she could, not, eat
a thing."
It has a lot of strength, mostly because it's a theme that most people try to ignore. I think you're very into impressing and you truly get atention and credit for it.
This poem is a beautiful, lovely love story, which sure makes my heart warmer.
The evolution of the character's mood, the atmosphere itself, the rhymes all along - it's all very well constructed. You've succeded it all side by side with a touching thematic.
Your writing it's very flowy and soft, all very natural.
This is a very beautiful piece, because it is very sincere and full of feelings. It is truly touching.
You start it really strong and it ends up to be a nice choice to left the last verse alone because it gets the spotlight. Like that, it can have the impact it supposes.
I am a passioned about the Moon, so this piece stands out for me for obvious reasons.
Number two, it's beautifully written. Very good haiku. I understand it's a very difficult format to pull off.
It's really great you extend your skills to another cultures, exploring the great in them and use them to explore the great in ourselves. I'm sure you achieved a new level of greatness and writing skills when you step up and defyed yourself.
I really enjoyed the piece, your very good.
One of the best haikus I've read here, on writing.
First of all: thank you for correcting my piece, I already edited it. Thank you for the very thoughtful and nice review.
I do not know why I haven't read this piece yet. I absolutly love this, which isn't new, right?
You know what your piece reminds me of? I do not know if you're familiared with the greek myth of the origin of love. When Gods get jelous of the people who habitated Earth - who were some individuals who were head to head. I don't know if I'm explaining right. Well, the Gods seperated them, cut them in half and they stopped being one, to be two diferent people. That's why people look for soul mates. Or that how greeks explained it. And also, just out of curiosity, that's why people make love. To try to turn back into one.
And when you say : " immediate physical separation;" and all of the context above... I don't know, all your piece just reminded me of the "origin of love". Of course, in the end it diverges the purpose a little but I hope you got my point.
Well, you know and you must be sick and tired to know this, I'm completely in love with your writing.
So, never stop writing, even if it's just for me to read!
The form you use causes a very positive visual effect. Being small, makes it easier to read and to some readers more appealinf aswell.
I absolutely love the very first verse and every other are very well constructed.
This is really nice.
You do translate a lot of innocence and pure feelings to the reader, the shyness really comes through.
I found the piece endouring and sweet and it does sound like a prayer.
Congrats, you've done a pretty nice job,
Do keep on writing!
Eva.
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