I will be reviewing your poem based on five factors:
Language/tone-5 marks
Flow-5 marks
Imagery-5 marks
Punctuation-5 marks
Spelling/Typos-5 marks
Language/tone:
Your language and tone was really good in this poem. However I have a suggestion.
"figurative prongs"
I see what you mean by this, but it the phrase just doesn't seem right. I'd suggest changing it or rephrasing it.
Flow:
Your flow was ok in this poem however I have some suggestions.
"Your paws are as sharp as claws"
This phrase seems to be a bit too short for the rest of the phrases in this stanza. Therefore I'd suggest changing it or rephrase it slightly.
"Only include a few ticks and fleas"
This phrase doesn't really rhyme with the previous one properly and therefore stops the flow slightly. I'd therefore suggest changing it slightly or rephrasing it.
The last two phrases in the 4th stanza are too long compared to the other phrases in the stanza and don't really flow on from them either. Therefore I'd suggest rewriting these two phrases.
The first two phrases in the last stanza seem to be slightly too short and don't really rhyme totally with each other. Therefore they stop the flow of the poem. I'd therefore suggest rewriting these.
Imagery:
I really enjoyed reading about your dog, and I thought the imagery you used was really good . However I think it was marred by the lack of flow, and think that your images would be more consistent if you improved the flow.
Punctuation:
Your punctuation was good in this poem. However I have a couple of suggestions.
Ater "bronze" change the full stop to a comma.
After "strive" I'd suggest putting a full stop.
Spelling/Typos:
Your spelling is perfect in this poem and you have no typos. Great job!
I found your poem on the newbie page. Welcome to writing.com!
I will be reviewing your poem based on five factors:
Language/tone-5 marks
Flow-5 marks
Imagery-5 marks
Punctuation-5 marks
Spelling/Typos-5 marks
Language/tone:
Your language in this poem is quite simple which helps in the understanding of this poem. This also gives a solid foundation for any improvements you may want to make. Good job!However I suggest that you try to add some more complex vocabulary and create more images rather than just the central image. You also sometime mix your tenses in this poem.
For example I'd suggest changing
"She had always set me free"
to
"She has always set me free"
and
"I am scared that I would die"
to
"I am scared that I will die"
Flow:
Your flow in this poem is quite poor. However I have some suggestions.
Your flow in the first verse is particularly weak. I think it is because you have two very long phrases and two very short ones which means that it is unbalanced. Therefore I'd suggest changing the first stanza.
I'd also suggest changing the first two phrases of the second stanza because they also stop the flow of the poem slightly. Maybe try rephrasing it slightly.
I'd suggest taking out the 'and' in the second phrase of the third stanza. It would improve the flow.
I'd suggest changing the last phrase of the 4th stanza. It just seems a bit too long at the moment and therefore stops the flow of the poem.
Imagery:
I really liked the main imagery of this poem. However I'd suggest expanding on this main idea more because it would really help the poem.
Punctuation:
Your punctuation was perfect in this poem. Great work!!
Spelling/Typos:
Your spelling was perfect in this poem. However you have a couple of small typos. In the fourth stanza two of the 'i's have not been capitalised.
Apart from that small mistake great job!
I will be reviewing your poem based on five factors:
Language/tone-5 marks
Flow-5 marks
Imagery-5 marks
Punctuation-5 marks
Spelling/Typos-5 marks
Language/tone:
Your language and tone was good in this poem. Great job!
However I have some suggestions.
"I'd be real happy with my sweet gent"
I didn't really understand how this fitted in with the previous phrase and found it a bit confusing. I'd suggest making it clearer.
"As pretty as she's ever seen."
I'd suggest changing the tense in this phrase because otherwise it doesn't really work in context to the rest of the poem.
I'd suggest changing it to
"As pretty as she'd ever seen."
Flow:
Your flow in this poem was quite poor but please don't worry because it is only one section and easy to fix.
Here are my suggestions.
From the first verse in this poem I didn't get a sense of the rhythm of the poem so I therefore suggest that you change the first verse slightly to give it a more set rhythm.
"Her prize a sunrise
As pretty as she's ever seen."
I felt that these two lines stopped the flow slightly so I'd suggest changing them to
"Her prize was a sunrise
As pretty as she'd seen."
I thought that from the phrase
"Keepin' her vibes a buzzin' and a hummin'"
the rhythm in this poem kept on changing, especially from the phrase compared to the previous stanza. Then the last three phrases in this poem had a totally different rhythm also. This stopped the flow and so I'd therefore suggest that you stick to a set rhythm.
However I really liked the flow in the first four lines of the second stanza!
Imagery:
I really liked the imagery you used in this poem!Great job!. I particularly liked the imagery in the third stanza. However I think that you could expand the imagery for the phrase "A bird's song broke the silence" whilst still making it accessible for children.
Good job!
Punctuation:
Your punctuation in this poem was good and I only have a couple of suggestions. Good job!
Here are my suggestions
Take out the comma after "tumbled".
After "sunrise" put a comma.
Spelling/Typos:
Your spelling was perfect in this poem and you had no typos!Great job!
I will be reviewing your poem based on five factors:
Language/tone-5 marks
Flow-5 marks
Imagery-5 marks
Punctuation-5 marks
Spelling/Typos-5 marks
Language/tone:
Your language and tone was ok in this poem but I have some suggestions.
The last phrase of the first stanza doesn't really make sense and I feel that you need to rephrase it. I understand what you are trying to say but the way you have said it is rather confusing.
"central core"
This phrase doesn't seem to be quite right and therefore I'd suggest rephrasing it.
"and then labels it as forbidden"
I think that you should change this to
"and then it will label is as forbidden" because otherwise you are switching tenses.
Flow:
Your flow was quite weak in this poem, but don't worry, because it can be easily sorted out!!
Here are my suggestions.
"my body would like to throw me from a rampart"
I think that this phrase is too long in comparison to the other phrases and I think that it would improve the flow if you made it shorter by rephrasing it or changing it slightly.
"It will keep this thought deeply hidden"
I think that this phrase is also too long in comparison to the other phrases and therefore stops the flow slightly. Therefore I also feel that it would improve the flow if you made this phrase shorter by rephrasing it or changing it slightly.
The phrases in stanza six are rather short in comparision with the other phrases in the other stanzas. I therefore think that you should change this stanza slightly or rephrase it to improve the flow.
I'd suggest changing it to something like
"I wish that I could let it out
but my brain keeps me in doubt"
"This untold feeling"
This phrase stops the flow slightly and I'd therefore suggest that you change it slightly or rephrase it.
"in my journal I gave it what it deserved"
I think that this phrase is too long and therefore stops the flow slightly. I'd suggest making it shorter to improve the flow.
Imagery:
Your imagery in this poem was good!!
However I have some suggestions.
The image of the "central core" doesn't quite work. I'd therefore suggest changing it slightly or rephrasing it.
The image of the "journal" doesn't quite work either and I'd therefore suggest changing it slightly or rephrasing it.
Punctuation:
You have no punctuation in this poem.
Here are my suggestions.
After "mind" put a comma.
After "finds" put a full stop.
After "say" put a comma.
After "bay" put a full stop.
After "apart" put a comma.
After "rampart" put a full stop.
After "store" put a full stop.
After "forbidden" put a full stop.
After "doubt" put a full stop.
After "me" put a comma.
After "plea" put a full stop.
After "die" put a comma.
After "preserved" put a comma.
After "deserved" put a full stop.
Spelling/Typos:
Your spelling in this poem was perfect and you had no typos!!Great job!!
Your overall mark is 15 out of 25.
This gives you an overall rating of
Please don't be disappointed by this review!!I do think that your poem has great potential and I would be very happy to review it again if you decide to edit it!
I will be reviewing your poem based on five factors:
Language/tone-5 marks
Flow-5 marks
Imagery-5 marks
Punctuation-5 marks
Spelling/Typos-5 marks
Language/tone:
Your language and tone in this poem was good however I have a few suggestions.
"in time"
I don't think this phrase really fits in particularly and doesn't seem to make sense with the phrase before. Therefore I'd suggest changing it slightly or rephrasing it.
I'd suggest that you take out the two 'so's in the final two stanzas. I just think that they don't really add anything to the poem and are unnescessary.
Flow:
The flow in this poem wan't that good and I think it could really be improved if you changed the line structure because by separating all the phrases so much it takes away from the natural flow.
Here are my suggestions.
Move the phrase "Sound of your voice" to the same line as "I yearn for the"
Move the phrase "is broken" to the same line as "but the road before us"
Move the phrase "And our way we cannot find" to the previous stanza and don't leave it separated from the rest of the stanza.
Move the phrase "between us" to after "distance"
Move the phrase "in time" to after "mountains"
In the second last stanza move "is broken" to after "us" in the same line.
Imagery:
I loved the imagery you used in this poem and particularly loved how you related it to mountains. Great work!!
Punctuation:
Your punctuation was quite weak in this poem so here are my suggestions. (These suggestions are for if you decide to change the structure following my suggestions but this is just my opinion and you don't have to change anything if you don't wish to)
After "voice" put a comma.
After "heart" put a comma.
After "connection" put a comma.
After "apart" put a full stop.
After "devotion" put a comma.
After "mine" put a comma.
After "find" put a full stop.
After "time" put a comma.
After "me" put a comma.
After "climb" put a full stop.
After "broken" put a comma.
After "time" put a comma.
After "spoken" put a comma.
After "way" put a comma.
After "mine" put a full stop.
Spelling/Typos:
Your spelling was perfect in this poem and you had no typos. Great job!
I will be reviewing your poem based on five factors:
Language/tone-5 marks
Flow-5 marks
Imagery-5 marks
Punctuaion-5 marks
Spelling/Typos-5 marks
Language/tone:
I thought your language and tone in this poem was great!!It is such a moving poem and it really made me think!Well done! However, I do have a suggestion.
I'm not sure the word 'bland' really fits in with this poem. It just seems to stand out a bit too much, therefore I'd suggest changing it.
Flow:
Your flow in this poem was good, and I thought that your sentence structure really helped the flow, however I do have some suggestions.
"I'll lead you across the sand,
I'm sure you won't find it bland."
This phrase to me doesn't flow very well. I'd suggest changing it slightly or maybe rephrasing it.
"Through the veil of a word
now muffled heard"
This phrase to me also doesn't flow very well. It just doesn't seem to be particularly balanced. I really like the part "now muffled heard" and the enjambement you use, so I think that if you just rephrase the part "through the veil of a word", the whole phrase would be perfect!
"The children's laughter so dear"
This phrase also doesn't flow particularly well. I think its because of the phrase "so dear". I'd suggest to perhaps changing it to "very dear" to make it flow better.
Imagery:
Wow!!Your imagery in this poem was just incredible!!I could really picture the horror!!Fantastic!!!
I particularly loved the verse
"So go ahead and laugh aloud,
let soldiers dig among the crowd
just don't forget their heads are bowed."
Great work!!
Punctuation:
Your punctuation was perfect in this poem and your sentence was really interesting!!
Spelling/Typos:
Your spelling was perfect in this poem and you had no typos. Great job!
I will be reviewing your poem on behalf on simply everything.
I will be reviewing your poem based on five factors:
Language/tone-5 marks
Flow-5 marks
Imagery-5 marks
Punctuation-5 marks
Spelling ypos-5 marks
Language/tone:
Your language and tone was perfect in this poem. I loved it!Great job!!
Flow:
Your flow was good in this poem, however, I have a few suggestions.
"which I carry with disdain"
This phrase seems a bit too long to me, and therefore stands out a bit too much in this poem. I'd suggest making it slightly shorter to improve the flow.
"all disappear"
I'd suggest changing this to
"disappear" as I feel it would improve the flow.
Imagery:
Your imagery was perfect in this poem. Great job!
Punctuation:
Your punctuation was good in this poem but I have a suggestion.
After "ear" put a comma.
Spelling/Typos:
Your spelling was perfect in this poem and you had no typos. Good job!
I will be reviewing your poem based on five factors:
Language/tone-5 marks
Flow-5 marks
Imagery-5 marks
Punctuation-5 marks
Spelling/Typos-5 marks
Language/tone:
Your language and tone in this poem is good, however I have a few suggestions.
"as self it stole."
I'm not sure if 'self' is the right word here. It just sticks out a bit. I'd suggest maybe changing it slightly or rephrasing it.
"no more to sink"
I understand what you are trying to say here, but I'm not sure you have quite used the right words.
I'd suggest maybe something like this instead.
'No more I'll sink below the waters."
Flow:
Your flow was ok in this poem, however I have a few suggestions.
"bade me listen."
The word 'bade' in this phrase seems to stick out a bit, making this phrase stop the flow a bit.
I'd suggest changing this word to something different to improve the flow.
"his faith in me repelled the darkness"
This phrase seems a bit too long and therefore stops the flow slightly. I think in particular the word "repelled" stops the flow. I'd suggest rephrasing it or changing it slightly.
The last two lines of this poem seem a bit too long compared to the rest of the poem and therefore stop the flow slightly. I'd suggest making them slightly shorter to improve the flow.
Imagery:
I thought that you imagery was good in this poem, and the only two suggestions I have are the ones I mentioned in the language/tone section. Overall though, I thought you imagery was good!
Punctuation:
Your punctuation was very good in this poem, however I have one suggestion.
After "swim", I'd suggest putting a comma.
Spelling/Typos:
Your spelling was perfect in this poem and you had no typos. Great job!!
I found your port whilst surfing for items to review.
I will be reviewing your poem based on five factors:
Language/tone-5 marks
Flow-5 marks
Imagery-5 marks
Punctuation-5 marks
Spelling/Typos-5 marks
Language/tone:
Your language and tone in this poem is ok. I loved the last line and the alliteration that you used. Good job! I have a few suggestions.
"onto edges of sky."
I'm not sure that this sounds quite right. I'd suggest changing it to "onto edges of the sky."
This would make more sense.
"rumble." I'm not quite sure if you meant to say "crumble" instead of "rumble" because otherwise "rumble" doesn't really make sense in this phrase.
In the last two stanzas, I think that you have too many "and"'s. I'd suggest changing it because it gets a bit too repetitive.
Flow:
Your flow was good in this poem but I have a suggestion.
I think that the phrase "to steal all the midnight stars for berries in his pie" is slightly too long and therefore stops the flow slightly. I'd suggest making it shorter to improve the flow.
Imagery:
I thought your imagery was perfect in this poem. I particularly loved the fourth stanza and the line "A tangerine moon slips her spoon into the treat."
What a wonderful phrase!!
Punctuation:
After "hands" put a comma.
After "treat" put a comma.
Spelling/Typos:
You had not spelling errors or typos in this poem. Great job!!
Your overall mark in this poem is 22 out of 25.
This gives you an overall rating of
Overall I really enjoyed reading this poem and your use of alliteration and your imagery was perfect!!!!!!!
I will be reviewing your poem based on five factors:
Language/tone:
Your language/tone in this poem was perfect. I especially loved the line "so cock-a-doodle-doo"
Great job!
Flow:
Your flow was good in this poem, however I have some suggestions.
The last two lines of the second verse, don't seem to fit in nearly as well as the rest of the poem. The last line doesn't really rhyme properly with the second line and the two lines just stop the flow slightly. I'd suggest changing them or rephrasing them slightly.
"but still everyone pecks me."
I'd suggest changing this to
"but everyone still pecks me."
Imagery:
Your imagery was great in this poem. Good job!
Punctuation:
Your punctuation was good in this poem, however I have a few suggestions.
After "up" put a comma.
After "others" put a comma.
After "quietly" put a comma.
After "stricken" change the comma to a full stop.
Spelling/Typos:
Your spelling was perfect in this poem and you had no typos. Good job!
I will be reviewing your poem based on five factors:
Language/tone-5 marks
Flow-5 marks
Imagery-5 marks
Punctuation-5 marks
Spelling/Typos-5 marks
Language/tone:
Your language and tone was perfect in this poem. Great work.
Flow:
Your flow was ok in this poem however I have a few suggestions.
"my taste in fashion is impeccable"
This phrase slightly stops the flow. I'd suggest making it slightly shorter by rephrasing it or changing it slightly.
"i'm a modern man of knightly values"
This phrase also slightly stops the flow because it is slightly too long. I'd suggest making it slightly shorter to improve the flow.
"but i can assure you it's all in good taste"
This phrase also slightly stops the flow because it is slightly too long. I'd suggest making it slightly shorter to improve the flow.
"and i don't mean any harm"
I'd suggest changing this to "i don't mean you any harm" to improve the flow.
Imagery:
The imagery that you used was perfect. Great job!
Punctuation:
You have barely any punctuation in this poem. Here are some suggestions for punctuation.
After "shwabb" put a comma.
After "town" put a full stop.
After "impeccable" put a comma.
After "renowned" put a full stop.
After "values" put a full stop.
After "true" put a full stop.
After "gentleman" put a comma.
After "too" put a full stop.
After "back" put a full stop.
After "arm" put a full stop.
After "taste" put a comma.
After "harm" put a full stop.
After "you" put a comma.
After "end" put a full stop.
After "acquainted" put a comma.
Spelling/Typos:
In this poem you need capitals at the start of each new sentence. None of your I's are capitalised and the name gregory barton schwabb needs to be capitalised. You also have a typo "shwabb" should be "schwabb."
This gives you an overall mark of 16.5 out of 25.
This gives you an overall rating of
Please don't be disappointed by this review. I do think that your poem has great potential. I would be very happy to re-rate it if you decide to edit it.
Thanks for posting in Mousie's Review Forum. Sorry its taken so long to reply.
I will be reviewing your poem using five factors:
Language/tone-5 marks
Flow-5 marks
Imagery-5 marks
Punctuation-5 marks
Spelling/Typos-5 marks
Language/tone:
Your language and tone was good. I thought this was a very sombre poem and I loved the way you used language to convey feelings for your father. Good job!I just have one suggestion though. You contradict yourself slightly in this poem. At the start you say its better to forget, but then you keep on saying how its better to remember.
Flow:
Your flow was ok in this poem but I have some suggestions.
"Because maybe sometime in your life"
I think that this phrase is a bit too long and therefore stops the flow a bit. Maybe try to rephrase it or change it slightly.
"Picking you up and putting you on his lap
And now its just a memory."
I feel that this phrase stops the flow a bit. I think that the main problem is that there is a long phrase followed by a very short phrase which doesn't seem to flow together very well. Maybe also try rephrasing this or changing it slightly.
Imagery:
Your imagery was perfect. I especially loved the image of his beard tickling your nose. Excellent. Well done!
Punctuation:
I thought your punctuation was ok but I have a few suggestions.
In the third line of the first stanza take out the 'because' and put a full stop after 'alone.'
After 'lap' change the comma to a full stop. Take out the 'And' on the next line.
After 'night' change the comma to a full stop.
After 'wrong' change the comma to a full stop.
After 'crying' change the comma to a full stop.
Spelling/Typos:
Your spelling was perfect throughout and you had no typos. Good job!
Your overall mark is 21 out of 25.
This gives you an overall rating of
Good job!
Mousie xx
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Thanks for posting in my review forum. This was very humorous, light and entertaining read which I think would be great for a 12-14 year old, although I think more the 12 year old rather than 14 year old. My only suggestion is that sometimes the language you use is a little too colloquial. For example when you say "the good news" and "the bad news."
Thanks so much for posting in my review forum. Sorry its taken so long,I've been really busy. I think that you should keep it in one part as I can't really find a suitable place where you would split it.
I will be reviewing your story based on six factors:
Language/tone-5 marks
Characterization-5 marks
Setting-5 marks
Plot-5 marks
Punctuation-5 marks
Spelling/Typos-5 marks
Language/tone:
Your language and tone was mainly good I just have a few suggestions.
Suggestions
At the beginning when Tarah is writing in her journal I think you switch the part where Tarah talks about how she does now have a friend to where she talks about how her mum is interested in nature because at the moment it seems to stop in the middle then continue after you've talked about something else.
In the second paragraph of take out the line which is "which was a shame because there wasn't." You have already told the reader you don't need to say it again.
In the paragraph which begins "Tarah nearly toppled over" you use the word "and" quite a few times. I think that you should try to cut down on this. Maybe start a new sentence instead or put commas. Read through it and see what you think.
Characterization:
I think that you characterized the characters very well in this story. The only thing I think maybe you could improve on is characterizing Justin and Slick's characters more. I know this is very difficult to do but have a go and see what you come up with.
Setting:
I could easily imagine each setting that you described. Well done!
Perfect!!!
Plot:
The plot was quite good however I have a few suggestions.
Suggestions
Before Maru Mari shows Tarah what her and Andrew have been doing I don't quite understand why she starts off pretending that there is something going on. Surely she wouldn't want to hurt Tarah's feelings because she's meant to be a nice person isn't she?
Also at the end I think that it would be more realistic if it took Tarah longer to persuade Andy to go to the teacher, maybe a couple of days. Otherwise it just seems a bit rushed.
Punctuation:
I couldn't find any punctuation mistakes in this story. Well done!
Spelling/Typos:
I couldn't find any spelling erros or typos either. Great work!
I will be reviewing your poem based on five factors:
Language/tone-5 marks
Flow-5 marks
Imagery-5 marks
Punctuation-5 marks
Spelling/Typos-5 marks
Language/tone:
The language that you used was ok but I just feel that you could have made the poem longer and developed some of the ideas in the poem a bit more using slightly more complex language. Also I think you should change the either the word "unseen" or the word "seen" because otherwise it is slightly repetitive.
Flow:
Your poem flowed really really well and I loved the rhythm which it had. It really reminded me of going down a river. The flow, that is.
Imagery:
It is hard in a poem this short to use much imagery but I really feel that if you do decide to expand the poem then it will be easier to put in some imagery.
Good luck.
Punctuation:
Your punctuation was nearly perfect.
Here are my suggestions.
After "find" put a full stop.
Spelling/Typos:
Your spelling was perfect and you had no typos. Good job!
I will be reviewing your poem based on five factors:
Language/tone-5 marks
Flow-5 marks
Imagery-5 marks
Punctuation-5 marks
Spelling/Typos-5 marks
Language/tone:
Your language and tone was mainly very good. I have one suggestion though.
"Down and down away." I see what you are trying to get at here but I don't really think that you have expressed it as well as you could. At the moment this phrase doesn't really make much sense. I think it is mainly the word "away." Maybe change it or rephrase it slightly.
Flow:
The flow of this poem needs a bit of work. Some of the phrases are much longer than others which makes the rhythm go off a bit.
Here are my suggestions.
In the first stanza the phrases need to be more joined to each other. Read it out aloud, see what you think because when I read it out loud it just seemed rather disjointed.
The phrase "Wanting revenge for the lifetimes never spent" seems a bit too long and therefore stops the flow slightly. I would suggest making it more concise, maybe by rephrasing it or changing it a bit.
The phrase "At the places that began and ended a lifetime" also seems a bit too long and I would also suggest making it more concise by rephrasing it or changing it slightly.
Imagery:
You don't really use much imagery in this poem.
I feel that I would like more description in this poem, using lots of imagery. Maybe describe the clothes he wears, and instead of just say where he is going, describe it. I feel that if you extended this poem more it would really improve it.
Punctuation:
Your punctuation was mainly very good.
Here are my suggestions.
After "Spitalfields" put a comma.
After "cured" put a comma.
Spelling/Typos:
I could find no spelling errors or typos in this poem. Good job!.
Your overall mark is 18.5 out of 25.
This gives you an overall rating of
Good effort.
Keep writing.
Mousie xx
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. However I think it was marred by the lack of flow, and think that your images would be more consistent if you improved the flow. 
