I enjoyed this article, despite the fact that I don't do journalistic writing. But the content was interesting, the piece flows well, and I learned several new fancy words, which was fun. Overall, solid piece. Who is the audience?
For starters, just a couple sentences with typos I noticed:
"That she were sorry for making me sad."
"I remember wishing there was a different way to cry. Feeling like I had wasted so many tears on so nonsense"
I enjoyed this piece, and your musings on your sister getting leukemia. Just like you didn't want to make that night about you, I hesitate to make your story about me, but I have a brother with a terminal illness, and so I could connect to a lot of what you were saying.
My favorite line:
"And I have tried to write about this, but it’s never been good enough. Somehow, I’ve never managed to capture the depth of my fear and my sadness that night."
Not being able that deep dark feeling when you can't help a sibling... Yup, that is something I can relate to.
My biggest issue with this is not knowing who was being addressed. The "you" in the beginning seems to be the opponent, but then it switches to "they" which I guess are the parents? I like the short lines, and the concrete poem feel. I would just like more clues about what challenge this narrator is actually facing! Keep it up!
If someone did not pay or went on vacation without canceling the delivery. Us paperboys got stuck with the shortage.
should be
If someone did not pay or went on vacation without canceling the delivery, us paperboys got stuck with the shortage.
Really good! Super short, to the point, and feels complete on its own. Do you need to say the "he said" at the end? If you decided to use quotation marks then it'd be cool if the story ended with the same word it started with. I only gave you 4.5 instead of 5 because I want to read more like it. Really cool!
I love the first two stanzas, and the only suggestion I might have there is make the meter match. For example, in stanza 2, if you made a change such as "If I've not seen your face today/ that must mean I'm away" then it would match the meter of the first two lines in stanza one. If that's even an improvement, but I just thought if the form were more consistent, would the poem flow better?
I think the first two stanzas stand alone because they are about a lover of the future, so I'm not sure the second two stanzas fit since they are about found love. Keep writing!
Well, I liked it. It is simple, to the point, and even has a turn at the end. Pretty impressive for how many words? I'm curious; who is the speaker, and why did they follow him everywhere? I know it doesn't matter, but it's always interesting to hear some author explanation!
This poem works well, but the thing that really threw me off was the lack of any toy descriptions. It's very emotional, and definitely fits in the genre personal/relationship, but I really think at least one or two real good descriptions of some broken toys or else I don't quite get the whole toy thing. But the whole rhyming couplet type thingy you got going on definitely fits together, as does the title, I think--I just would like that imagery to sink in that connection.
I was surprised at how old the witch was because the style of writing sounded like a young kid to me, and I guess I picture them playing pretend. Maybe you could introduce that earlier? Could you be more specific about the "toad habits" when you mention them. Maybe mention that you're afraid the teacher will be suspicious of your homework if she hears it croak like a frog.
I liked the mood of the story,and the character of a very young and enthusiastic witch was very enjoyable!
I enjoyed the first two the most, and then they were still funny, but then they were so wordy. Since it's a list, it'd be cool if you gave a title to each reason. Might have helped keep me focus if you summed up the next complaint in a funny title.
Overall, this was funny (especially those first two), which I think was its purpose!
This was entertaining, and I would like to learn more about these "Secalk" folks. I also didn't quite get the slivers of noise through the door? Actually, now that I read back over it, what exactly is going on? Where is he? It's a lot of inner dialogue about a world I couldn't really grasp. But I had fun reading it.
My main question about this is what is it ultimately supposed to be? Will their be illustrations? Because the chapters are so short! For example, in the birth scene it happens so quick and the setting is missing. Also, why does the character automatically assume that the teacher who disappears into light is an angel? Do you intend to add these and this is just a rough outline type deal? Is there anything for Chapter 3?
This is great! The twist at the end is perfect, and the ride through the last paragraph is exciting! It brought me back to those crazy high school days. I loved the details like the hot hood of the truck, the mention of lots of sweet things. How can those kids guzzle the sweets like that?
I love the last stanza, and think that it really speaks to other writers, and me at the moment as I put off my chores.The idea of caffeine and chocolate craving writers is very creative, but you start of with the notion that "it could be serious", which sounds heavy and intense and makes writing seem consuming.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/emcee
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.15 seconds at 7:41am on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "