Title: The Knight of the Silver Lance II
Chapter: One (part One) - part two to follow
Round: One
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Personal Opinion:
I have made as many suggestions as I could cram in. Applaud the things you like - and laugh at the stuff you hate!
RED Possible Grammer Errors
BLUE Suggestions
GREEN For anything else ie... repeated words etc.
PURPLE The dreaded Adverb!
Please remember anything I say is just a suggestion, nothing more, nothing less. It is always hard to criticise a piece of work, knowing just how much effort has gone in to creating it, but this is what makes us better writers.
You know the score!
Line by line...
NINE YEARS LATER
Chapter Two
Deathly Disease
IT WAS THE PLAGUE AGAIN,(Full Stop.) (I find myself wondering, why is this in caps? This takes my mind away from your story.) that (A...?)dreadful, deadly thing, which struck (force, sweeping throughout...?) England with a strong hand (comma?)nine years later from our last scene. (suggest removing - narrators voice weakens the sentance in my view.) The fearsome disease that meant (caused certain...?) death to (many...?) thousands (of people...?) had again come to England, bringing with it a paralyzing fear and a killing force.(This is a repeat of the opening sentance : Try - and sent a wave of paralyzing fear across the land...?)
No one wanted to believe that (suggest removing) it had really come. Yet when (suggest removing) they found (This is a bit vague and is repeated throughout the paragraph - who found?) the streets lined with the dead, when they saw the well-known black carriage picking its’ way through the streets, and when even they themselves were seized with it, (passive voice) they were forced to realize its realness.
(Suggestion - Nobody wanted to believe the Black Death had reached the shores, but the bodies began to line the coblestones and the familular black carriage picked it's way through the streets, forcing folk to realize the seriousness of their situation...?)
The plague had undoubtedly reached England for the second time. Its cold, icy hand had again come to grip to crush thousands in only a short time. (This whole sentance is a repeat of the above statement and doesn't tell the reader anymore than they already know) The dark, solemn (suggest removing) black carriages that brought the dead to their graves frequented nearly every street.(passive voice) Sometimes even the serious-countenanced drivers would fall off their seats, struck dead from the disease: ( ; )for such was the nature of the plague. It would come and sweep away any man without one warning sign.(passive voice) As a result, work of all types came to a halt,(too vague - remember if you are writing non-fiction, publishers will expect you to have done massive amounts of research on that particular subject - If this does not show in your writing they will reject you!) and the hunger of the sick had no food. Their relations, either sick or already dead, could not help. Burning thirst and sickening hunger enveloped every throat that caught the dreadful disease. Those that did not die but had still caught the plague often ended up in a sad state of insanity.(passive voice) , their despair and disease causing their over-worked mind to snap.(This sounds awkward and doesn't explain why they were overworked)
The spreading disease did not spare rich or poor, maids or mistress, master or servant. All were akin to it,(passive voice - All were akin to a simular fate) and none were spared. Quite a few of the richer sort (This sounds slangy!) vacated the city as soon as they heard a slight rumor (rumors)of the dreaded plague.
(I'm going to have to stop you there : I'm really am sorry to say this, but if you want to get published for real, I have to be harsh or I'm no help to you at all! - As I said above, publishers expect you to research anything 'factual'. The above paragraphs contain information on a subject of fact and therefore needs to show this. You say a lot about the plague but tell us very little 'factually'. Sorry!)
Among that number were the inmates of Truro Hall, who left their house (homes...?)and journeyed toward Scotland as soon as the news of but one death reached their ears(suggest removing - we already know why they are leaving!). The Elziver household was not so quick to leave. Lady Evangeline herself would go out, ( ; ) basket on arm, to help and (suggest removing) feed the sick,(Full Stop.) or If she could not (go in person, she would send...?) her servants would go(in her place...?). Many a day, in place of the healthy servant that had gone out on a mercy mission earlier in the morning, a shabby peasant would return, bringing the news that one in the Elziver house had died that hour from the plague.(passive voice)
***
Lady Evangeline nodded at the shabbily dressed, dreary-faced man in the courtyard. “Aye, sir, I will be there.”
The rough-faced (sounds too simular to dreary-faced) man, looking astonished to hear himself called sir, (passive voice) moved off slowly onto the cobblestone drawbridge and out in the small forest beyond, from whence one could reach the main road(this is a long sentance - I would suggest making it two).
(New Line)Lady Evangeline watched him go with a sigh. “There be too many sick,” she mused (mused, to me gives the impression she finds it funny or she is being sarcastic. I'm sure this was not your meaning?) aloud, turning away. “Anywise, I must be prepared.” (prepared for what?)
The baroness had been asked by the aforesaid (a fore said...?) gloomy individual to visit a hamlet where many sick peasants lay, starving for lack of victuals. (Now call me stupid if you like...lol...but there are two things in this sentance that I don't understand. Bare in mind, I might be a potentual reader of your book so you have to cater for stupid people as well...that's gives you a much wider audience. Hamlet - I've heard the word many times before but I'm not sure exactly what it is apart from the cigar - maybe a little explination! Victuals - I have absolutely no idea what this means!.) After a few minutes in the house, she emerged, armed with a full basket. Her son (comma) Gadahin had been in the stables, tending to the horses, (remove comma) when the peasant visited the house with his plea. Now Gadahin came out from the bailey(You must not assume your reader knows what a bailey is. I would offer a small description somewhere.), rubbing his hands on a long piece of broadcloth.
“Mother, where to?” he asked.
His mother pointed to the basket on her arm. “To help the peasants in the hamlets,” she answered. “They be in need of much sustenance.”
“But Mother, you mustn’t go! It is certain death! Very few who visit the hamlets come back alive. Do send my servant Johánnes instead, mother.” Gadahin (pleaded...?)looked at her face pleadingly. (same line)But Lady Evangeline would not be moved.
(New Line)“Duty is best done when the person who was called to do it is the one who enacts it,” she answered. “I will not stay. No, let Johánnes help you in the stables. I have Benjamin and my two maids.” She patted Gadahin’s arm reassuringly( , offering reasurance...?). “Never fear, I will be back shortly.” Pushing the lid of her basket shut, she turned, crossed the drawbridge, and left without further ado.
(New Line)Gadahin stood looking after her sadly, then turned back to go inside the courtyard.
As Lady Evangeline passed the streets, she saw the dead in gutters,( ; ) on doorsteps, (and...?) lying in houses with the doors wide open. She grieved greatly when she saw them tossed carelessly into the well-known black carriages that drove off to bury its (the...?)dead beneath a (suggest removing) dusty, anonymous stone (slabs...?)slab.
“In here, m’lady,” said her lackey, Benjamin, pointing down a dirt-covered lane filled with the repelling stench of the dead.
She looked (to...?) where he (was pointing...?) pointed,(remove comma) and saw a miserable huddle of dirt-caked huts squatting on the ground (How can a hut squat on the ground?) a few yards away from them. It did not repulse her, however, by its’ awful sight; instead, she marched boldly to the first hut.
There was a woman on a pallet of straw in (inside...?) the dingy little hut, groaning with pain, apparently another victim of the plague. Across from her, tossing to and fro (suggest removing) on a dirty blanket, a child lay dozing and choking at the same time. A frail old man was lying near the child, too weak to help anyone. The smell of sweat and disease was strong in the little room.(Has Lady Evangeline entered the hut? You made no mention of this)
Lady Evangeline went to the first bed and took the basket from her waiting maid. Quietly she lifted the lid and took out a little (small...? little sounds too simular to bottle.) bottle. Then,(remove comma) leaning over the sick woman, she gently opened her mouth and applied two drops from the bottle to her tongue.
Suddenly, before the liquid even reached her throat, the woman shuddered, writhed, and closed her eyes.
“Is she sleeping, my lady?” asked one of the maids.
(New Line)Lady Evangeline looked up, sorrow on her face. (same line) “Nay. She is dead.”
When the contents of the basket had been emptied, (More description - Why is she emtying everything in this hut? - Where did she put it? - Try not to leave unanswered questions in the readers mind, it distracts them from the story) Lady Evangeline walked over to the child. The little girl was feverish and constantly muttering insensible words, evidently quite near unconsciousness. The baroness knew that (suggest removing) the herbs she (had...?) brought could do no good, since they were not for children, but so strong that the little girl might die by taking them. (since they were strong enough to kill a child...? This simplifies this sentance and removes the repeat of 'little girl')
Barely able to speak, the old man near the child petitioned Lady Evangeline in a faltering voice. “She will die soon without aid, so ill is her condition. Will not you take her to St. Mark’s Chapel, down the road a ways? She will be well cared for there. Ask for the Reverend Jonas Watson. He is a good man,(remove comma) and will surely help you.” Worn out from his exertions, the old man lay back on his shabby bed on the floor. His pale, drawn face indicated that his condition was poor, and nearing death.
(New Line)Lady Evangeline thanked him,(remove comma) and passed him some victuals from her basket.(But you said earlyer she had emptied the basket?) There was nothing else she could do for the faded old man who lay gasping for his last breaths;(Full Stop.)
(New Line) and, after (After) thanking her in-between groans, he motioned with his hand for the kind lady to go.
Reluctantly turning to her attendants, she said, “We must find a carriage. This little one will not last. Eliza, do you take her left arm,(remove comma) and I will take the right. Benjamin, lead us to the road. We will visit the church.”
“But m’lady(!)-”
“None of that. Katherine, will you please move aside that chair? (Here you should describe Katherine moving the chair if that is what she is doing. What's the look on her face? What is running through her mind? Describing this will make the scene more realistic) Good. Let us go.”
Together they lifted the little girl and brought her to the road. Evangeline, weary from her efforts, stopped to rest as Benjamin hailed a passing farmer’s wagon. The dirt from the streets rose up all around them , and just (suggest removing) as they approached the wagon(Full Stop.) they saw Another black carriage (rolled past them...?) with several poorly-made coffins piled up inside , driving past them.
Farmer O’Reilly , as he (suggest removing) introduced himself, looked(looking...?)somewhat surprised to find the baroness of Elziver accosting (his wagon...?) him. He was still more astonished when Lady Evangeline asked for a ride. Taking off his ancient straw hat, and scratching his bald head with a puzzled expression, he promised to consider the matter before finally assenting.
At heart, however, Farmer O’Reilly was a kind and benevolent old(Repeat) man. He gave in readily after his astonishment wore off, and, accepting with a show of reluctance the shining coin held out to him, he announced (announcing...?) his cart and mare at their service. Lifting the little (suggest removing) sick girl gently, he sat her in a comfortable position in the back of the cart, then helped the lady and her servants seat themselves. After they were situated as comfortably as possible, he picked up the reins, and the tottering old wagon began its slow route down the dusty road.
St. Mark’s Chapel was a beautiful, quiet site where a little white church nestled, homelike, in the crook of a small green valley.(this sentance has lots of info and could be spread over two sentances to give a better description) An old sign, waving from a tall iron hook in the whitewashed building, announced in the old-style writing, the pastor’s name and the words “True to the Olde Gospel Truthes”, written in fading letters beneath it.(This too is a long sentance - same as above applies)
“There’s the church, m’lady,” the old (We already know he is old, I would not keep mentioning it) farmer pronounced, putting aside his stick of wheat he had been chewing on.(Ahh - you should have mentioned this earlier in your description of him) “Ne’er find a better one than the Reverend Jonas Watson, sure as butter.(Sorry, but I havn't a clue what you are talking about here!) Shall I assist ye?”
Lady Evangeline thanked the old man kindly, but desisted from any further assistance. Together the lackey and the baroness picked up the little (unconscious...?) girl , who had by this time completely fainted away, and swung her out of the cart. Farmer O’Reilly, with a last wave and a kind smile, drove off in the direction of the road.
(Part One) |
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| (4.5)
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...possibly...lol...I hope you find some of my rantings a help to you.
...You clearly have a great talent for it.