You, sir, have a knack for humor; I really, really enjoyed this story. I very much enjoyed watching Fred rationalize his lunatic actions as logical and methodical. And the punchline is just great. My only complaint concerning concepts is that this story is a bit lengthy for the kind of story it is (but that's just my opinion) .
This story is so close to a 5.0 status that I have to be a bit pedantic and do some proofreading in order to be productive.
It was a little louder this time, and it stopped while Pete was still talking.
—awkward.
decor items
—The 'items' is unnecessary.
Only the refrigerator announced that it was alive by emitting a soft purr.
—the way it is written here makes 'only' appear like it means 'but' maybe: "the refrigerator was the only thing
I'm not sure whether or not I was asleep when the sound pricked my eardrums again.
—tense issue,
A few minutes later, I was walking around with a steaming cup of coffee.
—awkward
I concluded that it must be originating within a wall
—I concluded that it must be originating [from] within a wall
Back at work, I found a glass and started in the den.
—A little awkward, Maybe: "I [grabbed] a glass [from the kitchen] and started [for] the den."
by saying, “Something had come up.”
—If you are quoting directly, write exactly what you had said. "Something came up." or you could remove the quotation marks and make it an indirect quote.
A quick edit note:
You use a lot of introductory clauses:
Just before I was ready to leave the apartment,
Figuring I would be up for a while,
As I approached the wall,
—maybe some variance to sentence structure? (I'm working on this in my own writing, so this may not bother anyone else. It certainly didn't distract from the story, but a little variation couldn't hurt)
Just polish up a few things—and really, it's just mechanics—and move on. This is a great story.
This was entertaining throughout. I enjoy the whiplash fashion in which you write. I didn't really get the point of the story, though (and it's okay if there isn't one) But from where I see it, there are two ways this story could be taken: It could be taken as an irritating and intentionally incoherent story—which I'm inclined to believe, as of course this is how how you describe it in the first sentence; or it could be taken as simply confusing: there's a lot of good content here, but it doesn't seem to 'fit.'
Either way, try either continually making references to the theme and capitalizing on events that regard the theme, which would straighten out a rambling story, thus dissolving the confusion; or cap off the story with another mention of the fact that the story is incoherent or irritating, which would satisfy the theme you set up with the first sentence.
A quick edit point:
"Carla finally had her first big break when Tuppe placed her as the lead cashier at the “Pants for Less” next to Freddy’s Tabac Shop."
—I initially took Tuppe as as a talent or acting agent. Why would such an agent give Carla a cashier job? Or was this a role in a show or a movie? It's a bit unclear and arguably a plot hole.
I would really like to see you polish this piece out, It has potential. Keep writing!
I'm a big fan! I can definitely identify with this; artists tend to spend more time alone than is healthy for a human being—while, of course, this is how good things are written. I know your pain, man.
Just a couple things:
"aged like an old Irish scotch," sounds a little forced, or are you Scotch-Irish?
And this is about the hearts of those who live alone, right? (capillary, maroon river, shriveled, love, etc)
Please keep them coming, I would love to read more!
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