Hi, my name is Steve, and I am here to review your work. I am a writer, and even though I am a little rusty on poetry and prose, I'll help you as much as I can.
Strong opening line, {color:red}"I've been fighting this depression since I was thirteen years old."
That is your subject and it is good. I think a lot of writers are introspective and maybe battle some sort of demon from time to time, including myself.
{color:red}"I'm seeming to lose this battle. But I'm not giving up just yet.
I'm trying to free these demons that live within my soul."
They are taking away my happiness{color:black}(I think I might break this off and drop the "and" putting the following on its own line){color:red}and giving me sadness and pain."
You might want to shorten the lines. Take out the "and" as you read it. Can it be on its own line? Does each of the statements have its own verb and subject? It stands alone.
Example.
{color:red}Every day I look into the mirror and tell myself that I am ugly.
That I'm not worth living in this world.
{color:blue}I look into the mirror every day
{color:blue}I am ugly I tell myself
{color:blue}I'm not worth living in this world.
You can keep the meaning of the writing, but keep an active verb and avoid the passive tense. You have a great subject-I know writers have to work hard to get it right,and I think a good start on your writing. I know that I am always revising and editing my work. I hope I have helped a little. Keep working..and I look forward to reading some more of your writing.
-Steve
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