the chapters are neat save for certain spelling errors (marry-go-round, today, hansom, there) and punctuations. i find the tone of the letter quite inappropriate. it was very straight to the point plus i think the character Viviana should feel something after reading the letter (the tears did not make up to it, especially the reaction of the other guy: wow). maybe you could insert some nostalgic memories from the past with her parents... like remembering riding the merry-go-round in the past with her parents, etc. don't fast-forward, it's like you're too excited to go to the adventure part. :) you could later use this to point the contrasts between the two worlds, if i understand it correctly. the story has a harry potter feel, too, but i like the idea. also, why the change from first person? all in all, i think it would be a great young adult novel, although i haven't read the next chapters yet. it's also great to leave us, your readers, hanging i every paragraph or every line if you can, but you have to answer our questions. all the best. :)
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/eindielle
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 1:35pm on Dec 29, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
