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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/echo15
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2 Public Reviews Given
2 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Kevin Soo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
[New review, in response to your edits]

This is better. I like that you improved on the grammar; that was my biggest problem with your first draft.
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Review by Kevin Soo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
First of all, I really liked the ending. I feel that this needs to be proofread (watch comma placement, in particular) and fleshed out a bit to be convincing, but you have the structure of a good short story: An insecure character faces a threatening workplace environment, and it's only through his ability to memorize meaningless information that he succeeds. This is a realistic, real-world scenario that you satirically project. That's good.

Why is Grok friends with him? Why does Grok apparently risk his life to watch out for his friend's well-being? This isn't really explained.

I liked the ending, but I think the beginning could use a bit of work. Erirk is kicked out of the tribe because he faces a bear, falls over, and then the bear licks him out of pity. This might be entertaining if you actually retold the story, and allowed the reader to experience fear and then be surprised. But as a quick aside like this, it just doesn't seem convincing. I know this is fantasy, but what works about this story is how it's an allegory for real life.
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