I enjoyed reading this poem this morning. I found it to be very moving and full of meaning. I am sure that many of us have found ourselves at exactly this spot--feeling as though our world has been shaken and trying to find the balance needed when it feels as though a decision has been made without our input. Your words create that feeling of hurt, frustration and confusion. The reader can also feel how, even though hurt, you want to be understanding.
I particularly liked your first line: " You pull the floor out from under me." This is a powerful sentence and caught my attention immediately. You also ended with a strong sentence: "But, you hold all the keys." This sentence reaches in and grabs the heart of so many who can relate to the helplessness this one sentence conveys.
Well done. As always, it has been a pleasure to read your work.
This poem stirred up so many emotions! At first I smiled as I remembered back to those early years when my girls were younger--all the little "boo-boos" that they just knew Mommy could fix. Then I chuckled as I read about those teen-age years when we not only wondered if we all would "survive" the hurts and pains of growing up. Finally, my heart broke and tears flowed as I continued to read. Pain filled my heart as I placed myself in their shoes and imagined how any parent would suffer when their baby has been taken from them.
As always this is well written and flows nicely. It tells a powerful story and touches the heart! Well done!
This poem reached out and grabbed a little piece of my heart. As I read it I could almost see the person standing tall and facing the world--turning their back on the negative. What really struck me was how well you have described what too many have had to do--and too many more wish they could do. Well done!
I was much moved by your poem. Tenderness, delight and love shone through. As I read it I was taken back to those early days when my husband and I first fell in love.
Your poem flows smoothly and reads well. Keep up the great work.
Again, welcome to WDC--if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.
-Duckie
PS: I am sending you a little gift to welcome you.
I really like what you have written here--the message makes the reader stop and think about what you have said and the meaning it--one of my favorite things to do when reading an item.
I do have two small suggestion to make: Go back and proofread a little--I noticed a couple of small typos. and finally I feel this poem would be stronger if you formatted it a little differently--broke up the sentences a little bit or have it in a more traditional poetry style--as this would make it easier to read.
Overall a good beginning piece. Keep on writing and feel free to let me know when you post something else.
I really enjoyed reading this song...as it took me on a journey to my youth and where I grew up. As an adult I moved thousands of miles away and find that the older I get the more I appreciate what I had.
This is a beautiful song that reads well and flows nicely...I could "hear" the melody in my head. Nice job!
This beautifully written poem flows like the rivers you speak about. I love the way you have presented this--visually it is very appealing...but it also makes the reader "feel" as though we are floating down the rivers.
Your poem reads like a song--I could hear the melody playing as I was reading it.
You've done a good job capturing the emotion in this piece--sadness and inner-suffering came through so that by the end my heart was moved.
I found the sameness in verses 1 and 3 to be very effective...I found myself thinking of times when I have felt this sentiment myself.
I was particularly moved when I began to read verse 3. The first two lines tore into my heart...and as I continued my heart grew heavier. I'm so sorry that you are in such pain and wish there was something I could say that would make it better.
Keep writing--it is a wonderful tool to help sort out our thoughts and feelings--and you are good at it!
This story reached in and caught my heart. Your words were so visual it was like watching a movie. I could "feel" the cold and hunger...and the worry your parents felt--especially your mother. The confusion and upset you and your brothers felt came through with each word. By the time I reached the end of the story my heart was very heavy. I just can't image what you all must have gone through.
It is easy to see that this was written straight from the heart...and I rated it a '5' because I feel the story itself deserves a '5'.
I hope you don't mind if I make a small suggestion that I feel would make this strong story a little stronger--go back and proof-read this a little. You have a few small technical things that--while they don't really take away from your story--would take away from its rating and that would be a shame.
Overall my impression of this was very positive. The story is very strong and the writing paints a vivid and emotional picture that I find very appealing. I was left feeling very grateful for all I have been blessed with.
Keep up the great work...it is easy to see you have talent and I am looking forward to reading more of your items in the future.
What an absolutely beautiful piece!!! It is a wonderful tribute to your mother and the love you still have for her. I am so sorry you lost her.
I love the way you presented this...the color you chose was perfect--lending just the right feel and setting the tone. I think adding the image in the beginning really added to it.
The flow of this is also perfect--each line easily reads into the next and comes together to reach in and grab our hearts and move us--in this case to tears. Well done
I did have one small suggestion--which is just my opinion so please accept or ignore as you wish. In line 3 of verse 3 you have:
God, I ask of you a favor, it's to kiss my mom for me,
I would suggest change the word "it's" to "please" or something like that--only because in the first part of this line you are asking God to do you a favor, not asking him if He will do you a favor. I hope that made sense.
Anyway, the way you have written this poem can certainly stand on its own and without any changes, it is definitely a "5". Excellent job!
I came across a review of this item on the Public Reviewing page and decided to check your poem out--I am so glad that I did.
This is a wonderfully descriptive poem that clearly paints a vivid picture with the words you've chosen to use. I was particularly impressed with the first verse...I loved it and reading it made me want to read on. I also liked how you tied this first verse into the last verse--thus bringing us full circle. Nice job here...keep it up!
What an outstanding poem! I simply loved everything about it...from the style you decided to use to the way it flowed--great job!
One of the things I particularly liked was the way you were able to draw me in and make me feel as though I were this soldier--that I was viewing the situation from his eyes.
This really was very well done--I wouldn't change a thing!
I found tears in my eyes as I read through this excellently written and very personal poem.
I believe living with and caring for those who have Alzheimer's is one of the most difficult things in the world to do. While in college I responsible to help care for a lady who had it. Although the time I had to do so was short, it was long enough for my heart to break. As the years have passed, only one family member has developed it...and once again my heart broke. This is something I do ask God's protection against as it is such a heart-wrenching illness to watch and a painful one to those who love them.
Once again, your flow was perfect as were the words you used to weave the "heart" of this poem into this reader's heart. The parts that almost made the tears flow down my cheeks were:
Thank God, you do not suffer
From knowing how I feel.
and...
I remember way back then
When you remembered, too.
And though you will forget me,
I'll always remember you.
Yes, once again you've touched my emotions...and I love the way you've done so! Keep up the great work!
I was very touched when I read this as I found myself applying it personally. Every so often I'll catch sight of myself in the mirror and wonder "what ever became of me?" I guess it is just part of the process of getting older...and maybe a little wiser--haha.
I liked how this poem flowed...how smoothly I went from one verse to the next. What I particularly liked was the way you ended this:
She stares at my old photo
As if it could not be,
And says to me so sweetly,
"But that was before me."
The words she spoke were truthful
and made me realize
The wrinkles in the mirror are those
She'll always recognize
Just like her granddaughter's word moved her...these final two verses moved me...and made me smile when I applied them to me.
Right away your opening quote caught my attention and made me want to continue on reading this item...and I am so glad I did!
I liked this very much. I liked how one could read this and take a literal meaning from it or could read this and see the analogy to life itself.
The use of a "puppet" is great--how many of us have felt that we were puppets and not in control of our lives? Simply great the way you have put this together. The whole thing really appealled to me.
One small thing--in verse 12, last line, you have "frear" instead of "fear"----and two small suggestions: 1. I really liked the quote you used in the beginning. I would suggest putting this in bold to draw attention to it. You do this by using a "{" then the letter "b" and finally a "}". 2. I noticed you don't have a brief description. When I first started here I use to hate having to come up with one simply because I had trouble thinking of them--haha! But they really do help the readers when they are looking for something to read and I know there have been many items I have read simply because of the title and/or brief description. As a suggestion you could use part of the quote. As I mentioned earlier, reading the quote made me want to continue on. Anyway, these are just my opinions. I hope you don't mind me mentioning them.
Once again, great job and Welcome! If you have any questions about this site, please don't be shy about asking--we all like to help when we can.
-Duckie
PS:Here is a little something to help get you started.
I really liked this emotion-filled poem. Your words reached in and touched my heart as I read through it. You have done an excellent job at capturing the feelings of confusion and pain that comes with a broken heart.
While I was reading this, I felt as though you wrote this straight from your heart. That it isn't so much a "writing" piece (such as many write to improve our skills), but rather a piece to help you sort out what happened in this relationship. (Writing, of course, is an excellent way to help us deal with our emotions and the issues we often need to face.) On this level you have done an excellent job.
Although the message in this piece is strong, there are a few minor things suggestions I would recommend that would help this become a little technically stronger. I hope you don't mind my mentioning them--and please don't become discouraged as this is NOT my intention.
Here they are:
1. The use of punctuation. This would help the reading flow. One suggestion would be to go back and read it again, adding punctuation when you pause or finish a thought. (I personally am a little weak in this area myself, but there are many people on this site that are terrific at it and are more than willing to help those who would like it. Don't be shy about asking...we all are willing to help each other whenever we are able).
2. Break up those long sentences. I noticed that starting in the third verse that your sentences run together a little here and there. (These seem to be in areas where the emotion is running deep). By breaking them up, the reading becomes easier. For example in verse three you have:
I wanted to hold you and keep you safe from harm
looking back now when you pulled away it wasn't cause you didn't want to be held it was that you didn't want me to be the one keeping you safe
I would suggest something along the lines of:
I wanted to hold you and keep you from all harm.
Looking back now, when you pulled away it wasn't 'cause you didn't want to be held--
It was that you didn't want me to be the one keeping you safe.
3. The use of the word "cause". When using this word to replace the word "because", remember to write it with an apostrophe in front of the "c" ('cause) so that you don't lose the meaning of the word.
and finally...
4.Capitalize your "i"'s where needed.
I hope these suggestions help and that I haven't discouraged you. This really is a good piece that just needs a little work. You've done a wonderful job on the heart of this item and it really touches and appeals to me.
Once again Welcome and remember if you have any questions or need any help...don't be shy about asking for it.
-Duckie
PS: Here is a little something to help get you started here.
Great word search. I started by finding the words quite quickly...but then I got stumped on the word "lamp" of all things! Anyway I very much enjoyed doing this word search. (I especially got a kick when I read "This item requires reviews with ratings"...it was the first time I have seen this on an item.
This one reached in and grabbed my heart..not to mention the tears that left my eyes. What a way with words you have...you have painted this picture so well that I can actually see the grief strickened mother and the one watching her. You send a powerful message with this poem.
As usual, the flow is smooth and there are no errors. Well done.
What a beautiful tribute. She sounds like a very special lady.
I hope you don't mind my mentioning a couple of tiny little typos.They don't take anything away from the poem, but I thought you may want to know. The first one is found in your brief description--you have "differance" instead of "difference" and the last one is found in line 8 of the first verse--you have "loveingly" instead "lovingly".
This poem is very "stir to action". It makes us want to be brave and to stand firm. To do our duty...not only in our daily views but in our spiritual lives. To stand tall and do the right thing at all times...and never give in to those who would deceive and/or destroy.
And though the heart is stubborn
just living lets us know,
that we are getting weaker
the farther that we go.
As I read this verse I couldn't help but chuckle. You could have easily been talking about me. Isn't it funny that this is only something we learn as we age and gain a little life experience. Well done.
Eyes that see what can't be seen
are those that will live on,
for these have seen tomorrow
beyond another dawn
So absolutely beautiful!
I love the title of this poem...it appeals to me on a very personal level as I have had some health issues that have left me feeling...and dare I say it...looking much older than my years. (At least I hope that's the reason and it's not the fact that I'm actually getting old and worn out!)
While each and every verse touches me, I would have to say that my favorite verse in this poem is the second one. How easy is it to get caught up in the past--the "what if's" of life. I really like your style of writing. As usual, the flow is great and it is an easy read. Well done!
-Duckie
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I found it to be very moving and full of meaning. I am sure that many of us have found ourselves at exactly this spot--feeling as though our world has been shaken and trying to find the balance needed when it feels as though a decision has been made without our input. Your words create that feeling of hurt, frustration and confusion. The reader can also feel how, even though hurt, you want to be understanding.
