I think this was great but, for me, not QUITE perfect. Because I enjoyed it so much, and think you're such a brilliant writer, I'm going to go through and analyse the whole thing. I may be harsh at some points (you are a grown woman and I'm sure you can take some healthy constructive criticism), but a large portion of the review is me describing how various phrases are so effective.
I think the first four paragraphs are the most well-structured in the whole short story (or is it just the first chapter?).
"In upstate New York, next door was generally more than a stone’s throw away. She could just about reach it with a stone if she really tried, which she did from time to time. Her father said she had a better throwing arm than most boys her age." - the additional meaningless narrative given about her throwing stones and her father's comment, adds so much more character to the story.
The entire second paragraph is great because it's not necessary to the central story line - instead, it just makes Sarah a more interesting character (even among tomboys, verbal and physical torture on males is not really common) - and yet, although this paragraph is not necessary, it assists in explaining the initial attraction, so does not seem out of place. The same can be said about the majority of the third paragraph.
"but she knew if she played Tom’s wife, maybe, just maybe, she would get to hold his hand. And it worked... for about twenty seconds." - this, and the following flashback, were both adorable and spoke volumes of the extent of her infatuation without being over the top.
"It was the day before Christmas break; a Christmas they would never see." - this, I really did not like. It's extremely cliche (at least 95% of short stories that end in the main character(s) dying MUST have this forewarning), and I think, first of all, it takes a lot of anticipation away from the story later (there's no wondering "will they die?"), and I think it would be better to leave this bit out, so that whether they survive or not is forever left unanswered.
"Like the front door to her house, her locker required a little extra coaxing to close." - this link is brilliant because, once again, it was unnecessary but adds so much wonderful character to the story.
The description of Tom's hypnotizing eyes is also somewhat cliche, but I'll let you off this time because I know, personally, what it's like to get lost in someone's eyes - but to anyone that doesn't, it seems ridiculous, so whether this adds to or takes from the story depends on the reader.
There are many more unnecesary-but-brilliant details you've written, but I'll refrain from referring to them all, so don't feel that if I don't mention it, it means I don't think it's great. :P
I like the description of the school but I find it's out of sync with real perceptions - almost all teenagers I know, regardless of how deep they are, generally think that worn-down schools are crummy-looking.
"echoed with rumors, jealousy, and the angst of teenage popularity" - an extremely short description that gives an entire atmosphere.
The dialogue is realistic, and not over the top - definitely a good thing, obviously.
"“Turn around,” he said. She watched his hands go over her head as he held each end of the necklace. She moved her long, brown, now not-so-tousled hair off her back while he latched the chain. She was never nervous around Tom, but as his hands brushed up against her neck, she was suddenly too aware of her heartbeat." - great paragraph, there. No need to be specific, I assume. :)
“Beautiful,” he said slowly. That’s when she noticed him looking in her eyes and not at the necklace at all. - also genius. :)
And I definitely approve of her jump in for the kiss, rather than the typical all-romantic and intense moment that is exclusive to movies and cheesy romance books, not reality.
"They both broke away as ordered, and Mrs. Johnson walked into the classroom. Sarah and Tom looked at each other for a long moment and then burst into laughter at seeing how each of their faces burned rash red." - I personally would have expected the laughter to be, in part, a result of nerves, and would have mentioned it as "nervous laughter"... but then, you're the better writer here.
“We all wondered when you two were finally going to make it official,” she said without looking up. They walked over to their desks without replying, embarrassed that this middle-aged woman, who wore only skirts that completely covered her ankles, had opinions on student relationships. - another healthy dose of reality with a wry twist (I knew of various relationships-in-the-making, where the only ones who wasn't sure if the relationship was going to happen were the ones IN the realtionship-to-be).
"where Mrs. Johnson was began[had begun?] marking papers on her desk" - a typo?
More realism (great!), but I noticed that this general area was lacking those brilliant unnecessary additions that you'd riddled throughout. (barring the gunshots onward, of course)
"She made it down to ‘Roberts’ when the first volley of shots was heard from somewhere down the hall." - now, this, I didn't like overmuch; I don't think they should be instantly described as gunshots, just a collection of sharp resounding banging sounds. You, yourself, narrated that the students didn't recognise the noises with certainty, at first.
"“It’s Tim Bolan and Jeff Nash,” the boy said panic-stricken." - I'd have expected the voice to be high and squealy.
"Sarah crouched down on the beige linoleum with her knees tucked under her. Tom arranged their schoolbags between them and the door before leaning his body over Sarah’s back. The rattle of shots and screams continued." - I think it would be beneficial here to describe the coldness of the linoleum, and then contrasting that to the warmth of Tom as he leaned over Sarah's back.
"The classroom was three stories up, so escaping through the windows wasn’t an option, but Sarah felt compelled to mention it to Tom anyway." - as brave as Sarah may be, I would expect most teens (myself included) to become paralysed with fear and unable to think properly, put into this situation without prior training or experience - I even would have expected some to struggle to get under their desks, being paralysed from fear.
"“Everything will be OK,” Tom whispered to her again. Then he kept saying it over and over." - this, and his "runaway heart", are both brilliant. Enough said.
I liked the bit about prayer, but "A room that belonged no longer to a high school but to bedlam" seems a little over-dramatised.
The last three paragraphs are absolutely brilliant. "Tom laid the side of his head on top of hers, then the door to the classroom crashed open." - this is why I thought the forewarning that they would both die should be taken out - leaving the ending gaping open would be much more interesting, I think.
"2nd Place-Great Short Stories Contest-April 2007
"1st Place-Round 1-Crazy Insane MegaContest" - also brilliant. :P
I don't think I've done a review over 2500 characters before - this is about 7200 characters. Your skill at short stories is more than worthy. Thank you for writing this, so I could read it. :) |
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