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6 Public Reviews Given
6 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
Review by Fred Marle Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with TGDI Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
The following review is only my opinion and no offense is ever intended. We all have our own style of writing and any one isn't necessarily better or worse than another. I strive to be honest and fair in my all of my evaluations. You're not going to hurt my feelings if you tell me to go pound sand.

No matter what, the important thing is to keep writing.


Opening
Opening your chapter with a prelude to a flashback the way you did lets the read know that what he experienced, and was about to relive, was very personal. The one thing I wanted to know was how long ago this event happened.

Progression
Your piece flows from the narrator's memory well as he tells us what happened that horrific day. I wouldn't necessarily make any changes, but a few additions might be helpful.

Because Jen is putting her makeup on, even though she's going to the beach, and they are staying at a hotel, I presume that it's summertime and they are on vacation. But a little more on the setting would be nice. What are their relative ages? I take it the narrator is too young to be venturing out of the hotel alone, and Jen is considerably older. It's morning, where are the parents?


Closing
Very surprising. I really wasn't prepared for her eyes to open. It makes me want to know what happened to her. Why did her eyes open? Divine intervention? She's not really human? She's become an un-dead creature? She recounts a near-death experience? There are a host or possiblities. I want to turn to the next chapter to see what happens. Nice ending.

Plot
I don't really expect to see a plot in the first chapter, but you open your piece as a whole well. There are a lot of different ways to go with a main plot, accompanied by some other running conflicts.

Characters
The Narrator needs to give a little more information about himself, besides his age. We should be given his name. Having it come through in dialogue with his sister would work smoothly. They're on vacation - Do they come to the beach often? Is this his first time? Depending on his age, how does he feel about being shirtless? His he muscular, buff, and proud to show off his pec's, or is he a pale, 90 pound weakling?

Sibling rivalry is as old as humans are; witness Cain and Abel. But when it comes down to it, they love each other. Their dialogue is believable. That his older sister got the best of him before they left the hotel keeps the Narrator from being Teflon. The protagonist can't always win.

The robbers: Did they wear masks? Heavy boots that thudded with each footfall? Did they smile or snarl when the fired their guns at them, or did they have blank, flat expressions that betrayed no emotion whatsoever. What was in their eyes? Or did they completely lack feeling. They came into the store with guns already drawn. How about drawing large, semi-automatic handguns from their waistband, hidden by long coats? (With more description, of course.) Guns are very loud, especially within enclosed places. Did his ears start ringing? Did the smell of gunpowder burn his nose? He wasn't hit by any of the bullets. Glass and things were falling all over him. They were probably meant to take him out too. How did he feel about escaping death so narrowly.


Grammar & Punctuation
In your fist paragraph you mixed up your tenses "Until this moment, I had never witnessed such a scene that was not made for the big screen." It should probably read, "Until that moment," There are some places where a comma might be appropriate, but proofreading will pull those out. I'm taking this as a first draft. Other than that, nothing jumped out at me.

Word Selection & Usage
Your piece was easy to read. You used a good variety of words.

What I Liked The Most
I like your foreshadowing of what is to come in the last sentence. It makes me want to know what happens.

Overall Impression
You have the start of a good story here. Two kids, thrust into a situation they aren't prepared to deal with, is a theme that teenagers can identify with. It's hard to get most teenagers to read, but if they can put themselves into the story, they'll want to read more. (Assuming that's your target audience.)

5 Star Rating
*Star**Star**Star*:Description (Good word choice? Good Imagery?)
*Star**Star**Star**Star*:Plot (Keeps me reading? Always Clear?)
*Star**Star**Star*:Dialogue (Right Amount? Flow Smoothly?)
*Star**Star**Star*:Characters (Interesting? Believable?)
*Star**Star**Star**Star*:Creativity (Imaginative? Original?)

Total:*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*


Thank you for the opportunity to read your piece. Best of luck with all your endeavors.

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Fred Marle
2
2
Review of The Opal Isle  Open in new Window.
Review by Fred Marle Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
The following review is only my opinion and no offense is ever intended. We all have our own style of writing and any one isn't necessarily better or worse than another. I strive to be honest and fair in my evaluations. You're not going to hurt my feelings if you tell me to go pound sand. The important thing is to keep writing.


*Reading*Overall Impression*Reading*


Was it easy to read?
On the whole I found your story relatively easy to read. I did have to back track from time to time for reasons that I'll cover later.

Did any part seem confusing?
Your third paragraph begins, "Regardless, the tide continued to roll in." Regardless of what? It isn't clear what the tide is struggling against.

The tower roses seem to feed on the darkling's blood, and is evidently a conscious, living thing. It knows must it must do, but the reader doesn't. What is their significance? Bryce doesn't seem to have much in the way of hope for the people of the mainland. What happens to the darklings? What happens to Bryce? What happens to the mainland?


How Well Were The Characters Developed?
The main character, Bryce, longed for battle. He wanted the glory and the fame that came with it. Garrod tried to explain the reality to him, but he wouldn't listen. Bryce found out, first hand, how horrible and terrifying mortal combat really is. I'd like to see him ruminate on that a bit.

Did The Beginning, Plot, And Ending Flow?
I thought your opening was fine. It set the scene well as to where they were and what conditions they lived in. I like the premise, and I think that it could be developed into a novel length piece. The story flowed from one scene to the next well enough, but the end kind of dumped me.

As I stated above, the end left me with a lot of unanswered questions. I started out thinking that the crystals were going to devour the darklings. When they arouse from the earth writhing, I assumed in agony, I thought they were done for. I was given the impression that the crystals were incredibly powerful and that darklings were their natural prey. But in the end, I wondered if the crystals called the darklings out to create more darklings to feed the crystals, or if the crystals themselves were somehow more dangerous. What was coming? The darklings? Something worse?


*Reading*Areas of Improvement*Reading*


General Suggestions?
You have a lot of run-on sentences that are broken up by commas, semi-colons, and ellipsis ( - , . . .). These should be broken up into separate sentences. Some of them made it difficult to keep in context without re-reading. As a rule, ellipsis should be kept to a minimum, and when you use them, use only one kind.

There are a number of places where you left words in, or left words out, during your editing process. "Bryce was stood on the ground floor" "A small had only recently managed to forget". You wrote "When Bryce was done he said his cup" instead of ". . . set his cup". Your fourth paragraph has some pronoun errors where you used "their" instead of "his".

Some of your sentences lack punctuation at the end or don't begin with a capital letter. There are some sentences that should have commas.

This piece needs some serious proofing.


Points of Confusion?
Proof read your piece more than once. Read it out loud so that you know what it will sound like. I have to be careful because I know what I mean when I write, but the reader doesn't have a clue as to what's in my brain box. If something doesn't make sense, or reads awkwardly, rewrite it until it flows smoothly.

Readers don't like loose ends. If you promise something anywhere in your piece, even near the end, you're going to have to deliver on it before you wrap things up.


*Reading*What I Liked The Most*Reading*

I like your story premise. It has the benefit of being original, at least to me. Your protagonist is flawed. That's a good thing. I was serious when I said that this has real potential to be a full novel. The ideas are already popping around in my head. (Don't worry, I won't take your idea. I just wish I'd have thought of it.)


5 Star Rating
:Description (Good word choice? Good Imagery?)
*HalfStar*:Plot (Keeps me reading? Always Clear?)
*HalfStar*:Dialogue (Right Amount? Flow Smoothly?)
*Star*:Characters (Interesting? Believable?)
*Star*:Creativity (Imaginative? Original?)

Total:
*Star**Star**Star*

Thank you for the opportunity to read your piece. Best of luck with all your endeavors.

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Fred Marle
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