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114 Public Reviews Given
140 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I look for interesting stories. I do not guage another author because of differences in style (from my own). I look for spacing, grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc. I also look for incongruity. For instance: "It was a cold night with no fire to warm ourselves." And then, starting the next paragraph: "The next morning we put out the fire and left on our horses."
I'm good at...
Finding incongruities
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, science fiction, westerns, military anything
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Mirrored  Open in new Window.
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with VETERANS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, thank you for the opportunity to review your work.

I find this story very interesting. At first blush, I see a disturbed person, perhaps experiencing an emotional breakdown. But, perhaps, just perhaps, it is not that at all. Could it not be a moment of deep self-reflection, of an expansion, or maybe a complete change of one’s world view? The author does not tell. It is up to the reader to decide.

What worked for me:

This is very well written. I see no spelling or grammar errors. The internal dialogue is natural, realistic, adding the eerie feel to the story. I especially like the journey I see in her musings. Even as she appears to have reached some kind of nexus, some answer to her question, the old self, the questioner is gone. Someone new looks out of her eyes. The possibilities are endless.
What didn’t work:

I always try to be truthful in my reviews. And honestly, my own writing included, there is always something to mention – missing punctuation, misspelled words, improper grammar, and so on. A story may be overly long or too short.

I see nothing here on which to comment. Though I could wish to see more,it would simply be to see more of your writing. Plus, I do not it would be quite as good.

Simply put, it all worked for me.

Well done!


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2
2
Review of The Coffee Monkey  Open in new Window.
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with VETERANS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good morning. Thank you for the opportunity to review your work.

I love this story. It is a fascinating look into a family's daily life, and it is humorous, too. It reminded me of losing my dog, Zack, in 2018. His death hit us both hard, but most especially my wife. She swore she would never own another dog. Even so, we had a new puppy within nine months. She is the new love of our lives.

What worked for me:

The writing style is easy and comfortable. I felt as if I were a member of the family or perhaps a close friend, listening to a fond memory. It is apparent the events occurred over a long period, but the flow was seamless, moving from one experience to the next.

In high school, I took a science fiction class as a filler. I wanted easy credits. The only requirement in the class was to read books and write reports. My first assignment? Read and report on The World of Null-A by A. E. Van Vogt. In it, the main character searches for his true identity and learns who he is in the book's very last sentence. I was hooked and have been a lover of reading ever since. Your story has that same flavor for me.

It's funny, but the story was so engaging that I didn't even wonder where the name came from until I read the last paragraph.

What didn't work for me:

I saw no grammar, punctuation, or spelling issues. The flow was excellent. My only issue is that it could have been longer, but I wonder if a longer story would lose some of its character. Nope, I'm wrong. It is perfect as it is.

Brilliantly done!


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3
3
Review of Lost To Me.  Open in new Window.
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with VETERANS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, thank you for the opportunity to review your work.

This is interesting, and sad. Though it could be considered Haiku, it works very well as a lyric.

What worked for me:

I think you did an excellent job showing sadness and despair. I was instantly reminded of Gilbert O' Sullivan's song Alone Again, Naturally. In fact, the sadness displayed is so poignant, I find myself hoping this is not written from personal experience.

What didn't work:

Absolutely nothing. It all worked.

Well done!


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4
4
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello, Lesslie Loo. Thank you for the opportunity to review your work.

Ok, I admit to some confusion caused by not having read part 1. Even so, I was able to get a good feel for the story. It is an interesting look at what will soon be a major conflict in all three lives.

What worked:

You did a nice job showing a young woman that is a bit unhappy with her with her life and is unsure how to remedy the situation. She also loves her best friend's fiancée and feels horrible about it. Then, to top it off, she learns he is a jerk, flirting with her behind her friend's back. You did this well.

What didn't work:

"She longed for her break to near." This makes no sense as written. Did you mean "... be near?"

"She stood up and leaned in for a kiss. As he leaned, their lips met. The embrace warmed her. ?Nothing could possibly ruin this moment." If he leaned in for a kiss, is that really an embrace? I thought he just leaned over and kissed her. Adding a description of him then embracing her would have added greatly to the daydream scene.

You did a nice job with the dialogue. You must be much younger than I am, lol. Some of the ways your characters spoke reminded me of my granddaughters.

Well done!


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5
5
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with VETERANS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Good day, Inkly.

Thank you for the opportunity to review your work.

Ok, I admit it. I was hooked by this story. It is unique, different. It drew me in. Though long, I did not notice the length because I was so into the story.

What worked:

I think you did a masterful job introducing this unique world. Yes, it was a bit confusing at first, but only because I did not know the rules. As I read, I learned, much like Tamanul. You crafted the slow journey into understanding beautifully. There is definitely something special about the boy and I kind of get the idea the journey is for his benefit more than any other reason the adults gave. We shall see.

What didn't:

“You were found shivering, muttering. I could not hear what you said, but it was deep in the morning when I found you. You were frightened.”

This seemed odd. Wouldn't Yearlitt say "I found you shivering..." Or was he perhaps being circumspect, careful?

"She doesn't often punish a person directly, unless the person was a truly terrible person."

Normally, it is unacceptable to use the same word twice in the same sentence.

"Gaurd that satchel well lad..." Misspelled word.

Very well done! I hope to read more in the future.

Best regards,

Averren


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6
6
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello again.

Nicely done. Though still a bit information deficient (I am sure now this is not the only other work n this universe), it does clear up a bit about Scarlett.

What worked:

Everything. This is, with a few exceptions I will mention below, well written. The insight it gives into Scarlett is invaluable.

What didn't:

Next to nothing. I saw a couple of mispelled words and some missing punctuation. There was only one more thing.

"Willfully, his feet struck the pavement violently..." The wording here is very awkward. Consider rewriting this sentence.

That's it. Nicely dont once again.

Best regards,


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7
Review of OI! DRAGON!  Open in new Window.
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with VETERANS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love this story. It is charmingly whimsical, and yet contains serious themes. It flows well. I see a definite introduction, middle, and conclusion. All the required elements are there.

What worked:

As I said, it is a complete story. The main character is in the army, or equivalent, and they set off to rescue a princess, and kill the dastardly dragon in the process, and then the conflict hits. They are defeated. The protagonist then has to wonder how he is going to escape and survive. Lo and behold, his opportunity arises and he does escape, rescuing the princess at the same time. Add the happy ending and you have a story worty of any famous fairy tale.

What didn't:

Ok, I am going to be a bit more serious here. All the following recommendations are just that, recommendations, not criticism. I hope they help you with technique. Here goes.

"They usually are. But before we knew it, the plan on paper had been screwed up and set on fire."

Metaphor and simile are great tools to use in writing. In the sentence above you speak of a plan on paper, and then it is 'set on fire.' Consider this version:

They usually are. But before we knew it, the plan on paper had been wadded up and set on fire.

Here is another example (not from your story):

"At first, I was a bit lost, greedily consuming every detail, nourishing my understanding."

Do you see what I did here? First, I was 'greedily consuming,' and it 'nourished' my understanding.

No, I am not actually suggesting you change your sentence. It was only an example. Here is part of a request I sent to a college's counseling school, hoping to get an interview to help with a book I am writing.

"My request is driven by my deep admiration for the work you do. I would be honored to interview one of your counselors about this. Given all these complex issues, I am eager to understand how my character will act under pressure. Another intriguing aspect of her journey is how she will navigate the shifting sands of attitudes and beliefs as the story unfolds."

See how this reads? It lends weight to the question because the reader will think about how hard it is to walk through shifting sand.

"She was soaked in blood and absolutely terrified. I admit, it wasn’t a great look. But I could tell that she was the one."

This should have been one sentence. There are another couple of instances like this in the story. Normally, a writer should not start a sentence with a conjunction. Consider this:

She was soaked in blood and absolutely terrified. I admit, it wasn’t a great look, but I could tell that she was the one.

Please understand I am not criticizing your work, I am critiquing. There is a difference. In addition, these are only suggestions.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. You have a very engaging style.

Keep up the great work.


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8
8
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with VETERANS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Thank you for the opportunity to review your work.

I am not a science fiction writer. At least, I have never seriously tried to write science fiction. My mind doesn't tilt toward it, but I enjoy a good sci-fi read. This is not good. It is GREAT! (Imagine Tony the Tiger here.)

What worked for me:

I admit I almost avoided this tale because it is so long, but then I thought, what if I post a story of this length and ask for a review? I hope a fellow member will take the time to do so. I am happy that I did.

It is counter-intuitive to think a person relishes a bit of confusion when starting a story, but that is what reading an exceptional sci-fi story may be. Why? The author is introducing us to a new world, a new reality. Confusion, or that sense of trying to grasp new meanings, is part and parcel to the experience. You nailed it here.

At first, I was a bit lost, greedily consuming every detail, nourishing my understanding. As my knowledge grew, I began to get the flow and rhythm of the story. I started to understand new terms and learn how life was lived by the poor, the discarded of society.

The story does seem to have a conclusion, but I sincerely hope it continues.

What didn't:

This is very long, at least as far as the stories I have reviewed. The length did not bother me, but the possibility of punctuation, grammar errors, or missing words increases in a work so long. There is a little of that here. Nothing serious, however.

Bottom line? I loved it.

Thanks again.

Best regards,


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9
9
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Good day. Thank you for the opportunity to review your work.

This is a fun little story, At first blush, one might think there is not much here, to little meat to chew on, but then one would be wrong. The amount of background information a reader may gleam from Harris is astounding. All one need do is think about it.

What worked:

I felt I was able to understand his desire (Harris) to remain in solitude, embracing his peace. I have felt that way myself sometimes, even though I am a social animal. Nice ending, sending the little crab on its way and then deciding a nap would be perfect.

What didn't:

Nothing. It all worked. I am not an easy reviewer. If I see something worth mentioning, I will.

Nothing to see here folks, move along. (Nothing negative, anyway).

Nicely done!


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10
10
Review of Monster  Open in new Window.
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with VETERANS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Amethyst. It is a pleasure to review your work.

Writing stories for contests is fun. Some of my best work has come from entering contests and activities. (Not claiming any special writing prowess here. It just produced some of MY best writing.) I have found that these stories are filled with information, and yet leave a sense of incompleteness. (<-is that even a word?)

What worked for me:

You have a great deal of information here. I see a definite beginning, middle, and conclusion. The story began inquisitively and ends with a soul-searching question, leaving the reader to consider the matter closed or ponder learning more about Kevin and Linda.

Your observation is correct. This reads more like a book or movie pitch, a complete summary. It deserves more if you ever decided to pursue it.

What didn't:

Ok, I know this will sound weird, but... There was nothing that did not work. I know, double negatives suck. I loved it.

I saw one misspelled word.

Nicely done!


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11
11
Review of Lost on Route 66  Open in new Window.
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with VETERANS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I will have to thank Nixie for turning us in to this. This hit home for me (being of Irish descent myselfe:4leaf}). I have also lived near Route 66 most of my life.

What worked for me:

The prose is excellent. I found nothing to mention. I loved the clever way you explained why the spirits had gone away, or at least had not been seen.

What didn't work:

Absolutely nothing. It all worked. Thank you, it was a pleasure to read.


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12
12
Review of My Home  Open in new Window.
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with VETERANS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ok, I just completed a different review for you where I explained my prowess, or lack thereof, LOL, with poetry. I will not repeat that here.

I love the poem. I have been fortunate in my life. My work has taken me all over the world. I have lived at the base of the Alps, been swimming in the Adriatic Sea, and lived on a small tropical island. I have sampled the beauty of Japan and Korea and looked in awe upon the wonders of the Mexican central highlands. I also have property in the mountains north of Phoenix. Ok, what does all this mean? I love the simplistic, yet beautiful way in which you help me see the majesty of the country you describe.

It reminds me of the Black Hills of South Dakota, or perhaps Wyoming's Grand Tetons, or Montana's Bighorn range. Your imagery is fantastic.

The only issue? The timing and rhythm seem just a bit off in a few places, but that's just me, and as I said. I am no poet.

Well done!


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13
13
Review of The Spoils of War  Open in new Window.
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
When reviewing poetry, I always start with this disclaimer: I am no poet.

For me, poetry is about rhyming. I do not understand the intricacies of working with sound, imagery, connotation, or Metaphor. And please, do not ask me the difference between consonance, assonance, or alliteration; but I do appreciate a well-written poem.

This is very well written.

As a veteran, I love the theme. War is horrible. The toll it takes on our young is horrendous. O was very moved while reading this.

I only saw two things to mention:

Second stanza

In the first, you use learnin', standin', and yearnin'.

In the second, you spell out "cowboying." I thought maybe it should have matched the style above: cowboyin'.

This stanza was the only one I thought seemed a bit forced.

A year passed and Joe returned,
Not the boy we once knew.
Many medals he had earned,
Memories of men slew.

Minor issues.

I loved it.

Well done!


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14
14
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Thanks for asking me to review this. It is a great little vignette into the mind of a child. Thank God for that Marine that didn't chastise you, but instead used the opportunity to help you learn.
This is very well written. Even though short in word count, you did a good job of helping me see the story. I assume you wrote this.

I am a veteran myself. Props to your family and your son for his service.


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15
15
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, I am happy to review this work for you.

To begin, this seems a bit long for a prologue, but that is just an observation not a critique.

I was very captivated by this. I wanted to get to the end of it so I could see what happens. Nicely done. At first, I thought I would have many things to mention, but soon realized some of my observations were most likely a matter of differences in style. Regardless, I did see a few things to mention. Please use them as you see fit.

1. The term Senke Era. You repeat this a lot. It was a bit confusing at first. I did not know whether it referred to a place or a time. I now think it refers to a time.

2. "But here, amidst the echoes of a time, Kael felt at home." Did you mean "echoes of time?" If not, could you explain what time you are talking about?

3. "Together, they pushed open the door, revealing the mysteries that lay within." The way this is worded, I would have expected to be a part of the next paragraph. maybe change it to something like: They opened the door together, Kael's heart racing as he stood in the dimly lit chamber. They were surrounded by towering shelves lined with ancient tomes.

4. "Another day, another chance to learn," he whispered, glancing at the stack of ancient texts on his desk, from the excursion the night before." It was unclear to me that he actually took some of the texts with him when they left the library. This surprised me a little.

5. Electric/electricity. Electricity is a modern term. It seems a bit out of place in a fantasy story. You use the word lightning a few times and that is more relevant, more accurate. Something to think about.

6. You often speak of the new insights he gains into his magical abilities. I would love to hear you give an example of at least one thing he read and how it changed his understanding.

7. "Suddenly, the air crackled with energy as Kael felt a surge of power surging..." Use of surge and surging in the same sentence. reword for clarity.

8. "The air was heavy with dust, undisturbed for centuries, and every footstep echoed ominously." A bit confusing. How could the air be full of dust? Was it their feet? If so, show how their feet caused the air to be full of dust.

Ok, I know it seems funny that I gave you praise at the beginning, then list eight things to mention. I meant what I said. It is good!

I use Grammarly to check my own work, at least now I do. I copied this and put it the program. It had 94 suggestions. Check it out. Most of the time, the suggested changes are really good. Sometimes they are not. When I use it, I take what I want and discard what I don't want.

That's all. Once again, I think this is a great start to an intriguing story. I hope to see more.


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16
16
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with VETERANS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I loved the story. I have doen the flash fiction activities before. They are fun. Well written story with an identifiable beginning, middle, and end.

Only two thngs to mention"

1. Would a wizard in a fantasy setting know what a deep space mission is?

2. Did you mena this in the second paragraph?
"...all the other wizards were down at the pub...?"

Again, great job.


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17
17
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Beautiful, and so on the spot. I feel the same about the missus. I sometimes wonder if folks that have not experienced that kind of love in a long-term relationship can comclose to understanding how precious it is.

I found no errors of the writing kind here (spelling, grammar, etc.) I found nothing wrong with the prose.

I did, however, feel the power of the words. They touch deeply.

Well done!

Averren


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18
18
Review of The Baseball Cap  Open in new Window.
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with VETERANS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
LOL! this is funny. I often wonder how poets can be so creative. This is for a challenge, correct? How many weeks does it go on? Is it difficult to come up with ideas without the prompts?

I found nothing here to critique, or I should say nothing that needed comment other than to say well done!

One reason I loved this so much is it mirrors something that I did years ago (not the killing! *Dead*)

I was in the military, stationed in Georgia. It was lunchtime and I was looking for my hat. Not finding it, I was getting angrier by the second. One of my coworkers asked what was wrong. I threw my hands out, yelling "I can't find my hat!"

Thats when I saw the hat in my hand.

Funny, I don't like being laughed at (pun intended).

Once agin well done!


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19
19
Review of I Remember  Open in new Window.
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow... I love this.

I kind of chuckled when I saw the title. I have a story I wrote for a 9/11 contest that is called I remember... Mine is not beautiful poetry, however.

This hit a deep chord in me. Though I was raised in the city, my parents were both country born and raised. I spent a great deal of time on my grandparent's farms.

Thank you for taking me on that special trip down memory lane.

It made my morning.

Toodles,


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20
20
Review of Humble Pi  Open in new Window.
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Very clever. It also shows an understanding of math that most likely supersedes my own. I was never a big fan of poetry, but this site is changing my mind. Imay actually have to try it one day. Have you always written poetry? Is it your main genre? I will have to check out your portfolio.

Once agin, well done.


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21
21
Review of Spring Is Here  Open in new Window.
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I did not read the first one, so I am not sure what changed, but I like this.

I am not a poet. I normally do not review poetry, but here goes.

I would think you live in the country, or at least love it enough to write about it. But by country, I would think this sounds like a mountainous area.

This made me think of my first trip to Yosemite. One look into the valley containing Ribbon Falls and El Capitan will take your breath away. It left me thinking it impossible that one could gaze upon them and not believe in God.

Well done!


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22
22
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Much better, Thanks.

Prosperous Snow used this tool to review one of my works. I hope she does not mind me using it here. I decided to use it because I tend to ramble on in my reviews.

I'm happy to be re-reviewing "The Troubled Son."

Remember that this is only my opinion. Please use what you find useful and ignore what you don't. This review is given with respect to you and your writing.

Overall impression and emotional impact: This is just my guess, but I believe an invasion is starting. I like how you started slow, building to the end when they realize all is not what it seems.

Grammar, spelling, and mechanics: I found a few grammatical errors - missing hyphens, or perhaps a comma. You might try using the writing tool here in WDC to check it out. It is pretty good at catching those types of errors. Here is an example: "Bully, is it?” Richard spat wraith." Did you mean Wrath?

Suggestions for improvement: Word choice: There are several instances where you use a word a second time, very close to a previous use. For example:

"Emmitt grinned broadly up at the summit as they continued along the path. A steady spring breeze brushed passed as the sun shone gently upon them. It built in strength the closer they came to the summit, swaying the tall grass with increasing vigor." There is nothing wrong with the word. It just reads better if you do not use them too closely together. I catch myself doing this all the time. If you get stuck, go to a thesaurus and get another word. As I said, this happens more than one.

"He paced gradually..." Is this the best description of how he approached? Gradually can mean slowly, but it is also associated with unspectacularly and circumspectly. I took it to mean he approached in a menacing way. Is that a correct assumption?


"Meandered." You use this more than once. It implies a person is moving without purpose, that they are wandering aimlessly. Considered using another word.

"Be better than just some rough..." Did you mean "tough" here?

"Nodding assurance, Richard followed after them, and their climb recommenced." The word is correct in meaning, but sounds a bit formal for the setting. Perhaps use something simpler like continued?

"Royal pipes shrieked..." This word most often implies terror or pain. Did the music really sound that way, or was it musical in quality. If you intended it to be shrieked for a specific purpose, like maybe it was intended to cause fear, that might work. If that is why you used the word, then play on that more in the text.


My favorite parts: Richard kicking some major butt in the opening scene. I can tell his skills will play a big part in the story.

This is a large work, definitely chapter sized. It is easy to miss things like I have pointed out. I get caught like this all the time. The opening is a great hook. It made me want to read more.

Thank you so much for sharing your writing! It was a pleasure to review you. I genuinely hope you found my comments useful, but feel free to ignore those you didn't.

Well done!

Regards,


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23
23
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Good evening,

I want to apologize up front for the low rating. It is really for one thing only - spacing.

I have read sippets of the story, but quite frankly I find it very difficult to read because the words are all crammed together.

Proper spacing can help you tell your story. It can emphasize a pause. It clearly shows breaks in dialog. This helps when you are changing the point of view of your writing.

I know Word is a pain in the butt. If you create your work in word and then paste it in, you will lose your formatting. When that happens you just have to go back and add the spacing.

I really want to come back to this. I hope you decide to correct your spacing.

Best regards,


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24
24
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Good morning,

Just a tad long, but very worth it. I can honestly say I have never met anyone I had a solely online relationship with (well, if you can call the "chatships" I had relationships), but I did consider it would be cool to meet a few people over the years. I think it is cool that you met someone that has become so special in your life. Your words walked us through the tail in such a way that I felt like I was there to see it happen.

It would be interesting to find out how you met Diana Gabaldon. Maybe someday?


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Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is an awesome post, raising important questions. But I have one of my own.

How do you know you are not doing as God has called you to? This post of yours is an outreach on its own. Your reflection will prompt others to do the same. And, not all are called to serve abroad, or to take up what most would consider to be severe hardship and trouble.

If God was calling you to do this, you would be there doing it.

Don't sell yourself short. It seems to me that you are using the gifts he has given you in the way He intended.

Regards,


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