Great story! You created the battle scene very artfully and made it suspenseful. The story really shines in that part. I also liked the twist at the end, where the character freezes and is not the hero he pretends to be. It has a very realistic feel to it and I can relate very well to his thoughts and feelings.
One thing I think that needs work is the introduction. I think it is a little long and there are parts in it that should become more relevant in the final scene, such as the special skills of each of the brothers. The blue paragraphs about the training provide some depth but in some cases don't really further the plot line.
Here are the notes I jotted down while reading:
-They think I'm nearly everything (not established who "they" are)
-"The end was quickly approaching" paragraph 2: Not necessary
-"Doubtful as I was, the prophet convinced me..." (in place of 'he', then use 'He' to start the next sentence)
-Blue part introducing Alryk should be its own paragraph
-"Training with kid's gloves" (add apostrophe or leave off -s)
-"Through Edryk, I learned that fighting isn't about who's strongest." This sentence doesn't seem to fit... Perhaps past tense or re-wording? The paragraph seems to not fit as well in general, needs editing
-Move "I grew tall and strong" to after the description of Ozryk
-"I was wrong" not necessary
-Integrate the training descriptions into the story or they get tedious. Also, not sure what the exhibition battle between the brothers adds to the plot
-Great imagery about the Kaltor's straight white teeth
-"That one moment spelled his doom"- great foreshadowing
-Exciting battle scene!
The story is great- interesting and suspenseful. I get the feeling that the story is much more about the psychological pain that the narrator is in about his life being manifested into near hysteria. Thus despite the upbeat tone, there is a lot going on in this; certainly more than meets the eye.
As far as the story is concerned, the beginning is a little too long for the length of the story: The character Ms. Taylor is not crucial to the plot itself so I think she could be developed a little less and the point about her and the ppl running apartment complex being uptight and controlling can be conveyed more concisely. This is also true of the excitement the narrator feels- it can be conveyed more succinctly in order to move along into the actual story aka the sound and his going crazy over it.
Overall I must say I was delighted to read your story and thank for sharing. Write on!
Brilliant job of creating characters, suspense, setting, and plot in only 300 words! Initially the ending was a bit confusing to me, but I have decided that I like that it both leaves me hanging and is a bit ambiguous. Does the sheriff die at this moment? Is it a ring that relieves the waitress' awkwardness?
I found of all things that I wanted- though didn't need- more clues about the setting. Some of the context got me into a 'wild west' scenario, which was very effective; yet some of it was modern of course. I imagine a 'No Country for Old Men' type of setting, is that what you were going for?
Again, great work. I really like this piece, it puts me in an entire world and pulls me through the action and leaves me on edge. All in only 300 words- incredible.
~Cate
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/drcat2013
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 4:04pm on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
