FIRST IMPRESSION: Opening with ( 'time' / 'times' ) seemed a bit too much for a beginning. A turn off for me, when the opening should grab you right at the start, Poor Structure at the outset, in my humble opinion. Better might read:
"A boy named Felix Erchoq with the age of fifteen, in a castle named Selides where the lords of the realm were gathered for a great feast.was the talk of the day. He had won the tournament that was going on during the feastivities and earned right to sit at the table of the lords."
As to the rest of the opening of what could become a good storyline, the plot was not built very well. It jumped directly into conversation without building upon the setting, the mood of the merryment, etc. It seemed too hurried and underdeveloped. Where is the character development and where is the suspense?
Disapointed in this read, I feel you can write better. Tell us of your thoughts, your insights, your own feelings (a thrid person perspective) and this could get much more juicy. Needs more re-working and length to become a real fable. Why, such a hurry?
............. torn between extremes in dreams and creeping around in black slippers sounds like an English tale that even I could lust after. Please let this dream continue well past the taste of the lambert kiss, such bliss that promises caressed delight, each night, sans fright.. A wonderful write with perfect 10 foot meter: your sonnet: CARESS. ~DragonRyder
You are missing a few periods and other punctuation marks, but you offer much insight into your character development. I especially like how you indicate how these characters will be relating to each other as well as their mission..
"When she is not kicking 'butt', she enjoys cooking." ...might read better?
Proof-reading can become a great asset. Lack of it can turn a reader off, if it is too persistant. Work on bringing that [ 5 ] you rat yourself up to a [ 9 ] or [ 10 ]. My typos and spelling are not the best either. That is OK, but lable you work a draft until you are finished with all of your edits. This book for now, seems to be a work in progress.
Please do not be put off by the 3.5 review. What you have here is a chance to improve your style. The conversation, (all of the opening quotes) need to be worked into the story. Have this conversation while revealing the storyline more like you have toward the end of this post. Decide who is going to be telling the story and reveal their thoughts behind what they are saying. The marriage of this style of writing could become a novel with due dilligence. Suspense and drama can be developed as the various characters think differently about the same conversation... Slowly let their thinking reveal what each other believes in or wants or is trying to manipulate, etc. As it is now, the white space leaves little chance for character development or reading between the lines. This is fresh work and needs a lot more deapth. Keep at it. ~DragonRyder
I'll get to the rest of you work soon.
Try to work on your story outline or storyboard timeline. You can't get there if you do not know where you are headed. WRITE ON
You have set the scene, introduced characters and started to develop them. Your flow and word choices are excellent and I find myself eager to understand what's what? Grammar and spelling are without fault with phrasing familiar to the old west.
I personally smiled at your reference to temperance and chastity and wondered when the five other virtues would appear?
It is very obvious that enough time has been spent on this opening chapter to have it polished up quite well. I'd have to vote for "right track" and nix the 'horse hockey' slant.
Your dialog (which can be tricky) is realistic and you use it well to move your story along on this heroic quest. I believe you have a great adventure opening up. All I see missing is some flashback, that would be better introduced in your later chapters anyway. Thus far, there is nothing wrong with your structure!
Four banks and the marshal out at his ranch provides enough suspense and I can almost smell the coffee that the sheriff mentioned over at Lou Ann's Cafe.
Darned if you ain't got yourself a thriller of a western yarn, this story of a time when law is often left behind and an honest mans savings and life are prey to the outlaws. A time of vigilante justice.
i do not understand the technical aspect of the lower case " i's " (two) starting two lines in the 3rd & 5th cinquain's and I do not understand then the (two) capital " I's " in the 1st and 4th cinquains; further, why the capital letters starting out each cinquain? Is that just a matter of personal stlye rather than proper form?
Am I missing something here?
As to feeling and content, this is a very comendable cinq-cinquain. I especially like the overall theme.
Let's go Alpine Skiing. Get out where we can breathe. Let's become one with the 'run' falling under the spell that exists being on the 'edge of control'. This intoxicating adrenalin rush will satisfy your soul. `EPINEPHRINE for your nerves!
I love how you have a favorite place in this poem, that you seek out because it seems to fits your soul or personality; seeking the voices on the wind.
Maybe it's a ballfield?
I'd return there often for advice from the familier sounding board. (for me, it was a babbling brook tumbling off the mountain. I'd find a bit of moss, and listen.
The games people play, whatever their reason. I' glad that you walked away. I'm glad that you had the mile to consider everything in this poem. I trust this work is fantasy, but if not I respect your courage.
Have you fantasized the childs name?
A well written story, heartwarming, with nary a tear! :)
Hmmmmm ??? Everyone has these feelings I'm sure. I know that I have. I think you need to keep putting yourself out there though. When you find a genuine interesat and pursue that intrest with all that you are; only then will others see you and want what you have! Life is like a magnet. It is attracted to the most involved. Don't settle for the passive role. Be ACTIVE, and it will happen for you too. Write about that. Paint a vivid picture and step right into that life. See, that wasn't so hard. Only takes a little courage and some practice.
Whats not remembered is made up and repeated so often as to become the new reality... been there and done that. BRAVO for your love being strong enough to carry on. I admire that.
Best descriptive line: "Photos spill: leaves caught in a storm."
Great use of word choice to match ytour theme: imagine, brain, innocent, child, life, beloved, fracture, cluttered, multicolored, lost forever, trust, fists, capacity, closed ...
This is a good beginning to what promises to become a better poem. Try hard to continue this poem. I think you can build on the title: What were you feeling before the storm. Did the storm provide some wind. How did that change how you ere feeling? How did this new feeling energise you? What do you plan to do with this new found energy? Please find the time to offer us more.
Now that you have torn it down, you should build it up, anew
but then, maybe not, if that's not you ??? Is it ??? ~DragonRyder
Don't leave me down in the dirt. Find some comapassion for the reader! This calls out for some sort of redemption. Make this a -work -in -progress and 'Build It Up' like an horuglass turned over and over and over.
"Welcome to my home, and all of the wonder it brings,
This is the Land of All But Forgotten Things.
Soon now we should be greeted by gnomes,
As soon as they feel safe to come out of their homes."
Happy to know meeting a Unicorn can lead to such wonderment. I do believe "Grim" couldn't have said it better. I wonder if I could bring one of those `Pixie's home with me for company?
You Might Try: 'to gain ample comfort and care' for line 6
'When all is quite said and done (I see no need for the caps in line 18) I added the word quite to improve syllable count
Just a couple of suggestions in a workshop sort of way, offered only with the best of intentions. Read your poem out loud and you will discover even more stumbleing points to improve. Even better, have someone else read it to you for their first time. This is a great tool that I often use. It helps point out any area that isn't smooth.
When the sun in the morning peeps over the hill
And kisses the roses 'round my window sill
Then my heart fills with gladness when I hear the trill
Of the birds in the treetops on Mockingbird Hill
Tra la la, tweedle dee dee dee
It gives me a thrill
To wake up in the morning
To the mockingbird's trill
Tra la la tweedle dee dee dee
There's peace and good will
You're welcome as the flowers
On Mockingbird Hill
Got a three-cornered plow and an acre to till
And a mule that I bought for a ten-dollar bill
There's a tumble-down shack and a rusty old mill
But it's my Home Sweet Home up on Mockingbird Hill
Tra la la, tweedle dee dee dee
It gives me a thrill
To wake up in the morning
To the mockingbird's trill
Tra la la tweedle dee dee dee
There's peace and good will
You're welcome as the flowers
On Mockingbird Hill
When it's late in the evening I climb up the hill
And survey all my kingdom while everything's still
Only me and the sky and an old whippoorwill
Singin' songs in the twilight on Mockingbird Hill
Tra la la, tweedle dee dee dee
It gives me a thrill
To wake up in the morning
To the mockingbird's trill
Tra la la tweedle dee dee dee
There's peace and good will
You're welcome as the flowers
On Mockingbird Hill
When the sun in the morning peeps over the hill
And kisses the roses 'round my window sill
Then my heart fills with gladness when I hear the trill
Of the birds in the treetops on Mockingbird Hill
Tra la la, tweedle dee dee dee
It gives me a thrill
To wake up in the morning
To the mockingbird's trill
Tra la la tweedle dee dee dee
There's peace and good will
You're welcome as the flowers
On Mockingbird Hill
Got a three-cornered plow and an acre to till
And a mule that I bought for a ten-dollar bill
There's a tumble-down shack and a rusty old mill
But it's my Home Sweet Home up on Mockingbird Hill
Tra la la, tweedle dee dee dee
It gives me a thrill
To wake up in the morning
To the mockingbird's trill
Tra la la tweedle dee dee dee
There's peace and good will
You're welcome as the flowers
On Mockingbird Hill
When it's late in the evening I climb up the hill
And survey all my kingdom while everything's still
Only me and the sky and an old whippoorwill
Singin' songs in the twilight on Mockingbird Hill
Tra la la, tweedle dee dee dee
It gives me a thrill
To wake up in the morning
To the mockingbird's trill
Tra la la tweedle dee dee dee
There's peace and good will
You're welcome as the flowers
On Mockingbird Hill
Smaug was the most powerful of all Dragons, a Fire-Drake in the Lord of the Rings. You have made Tolkin proud. What a magnificent antagonist, intelligent and cunning; and I am the dragonryder who would know. Geez, did I just reveal my age?
Dare I say it could stand to have a few words stripped out? That was my first impression. It read a little flowery, perhaps.
It is most inspirational and moving on the whole. I would like to think this is still a work in progress. What promise your talent presents. Clean up a few run-on sentences and you would present `Devine simple truth' in a crystal light.
~DragonRyder
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dragonryder
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 10:52pm on Nov 04, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
