Initial impression: I really like this poem a lot. Shows how tough it can be and the feelings that can still linger after someone is no longer in your life. I can see what you mean about form or keeping your wording true to your initial intent. That is totally up to you though.
Tips: Lines 1-3 revision and make it its own stanza #1;
No more you,
No more us,
No more love,
No fights,
No trust.
Lines 4-7: could be stanza #2
Line 5: I'm not sure what you mean by: No more thinking of the same
Line 7: could be: No more sweet, quick remarks.
Lines 8-11 could be stanza #3
Line 8: climbing is kind of a rough word on the eyes and tongue. Maybe use; sneaking or slipping
Line 11: bare (like too much to bare) instead of bear (like the animal)
Line 12-15 could be stanza #4
Line 16-19 could be stanza #5
Line 17: Hold me close, fight the pain
line 18: get rid of; but
Line 20-25: Can be a final non-rhyming stanza if you really are in love with your current lines.
Line 25: You were my slow, sweet demise.
I hope this is helpful. I tried to keep as much of your original wording but also give you a way to organize and balance the poem for good flow. Keep writing I loved it!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
First thoughts: Very good! I love how deep the feelings are here. I enjoy your word choices. Well written grammatically.
Tips/Critique: I am having a hard time finding anything to actually offer for tips. I feel that this is very well written, honest and powerful. Great job and keep writing!
First Impressions: Nice to see another newbie around! Great either short story or novel intro. Very relatable, but a more personal look at a condition that most people have no idea about.
Tips/Critique: Good use of descriptive language. Quite a few small grammatical and punctuation errors, but those are easily fixed. Watch for where there should be capitals, spaces, etc. Overall I really loved it! Keep up the great work!
First thoughts: Hello fellow newbie, happy to see other new writers! I really enjoy the meaning of this poem and the feelings behind it.
Tips/Critique: I get the impression that english may not be your first language. There are several word choice and grammatical errors that if fixed will make your poem much more readable and powerful. If you would like help with that I can edit it for you and send you the corrections. Great work and keep at it!
A short and to the point snapshot of the evils of bullying. I would like to think that these kinds of scenes happen more than they probably do, but it is nice to see that some people can look back on past mistakes and want badly enough to make amends and also better the future. The fact that this short experience brings out and may help right two generations of bullying is great.
I personally would like to see a little bit of expansion or some more of the great word usage as was used in the beginning and middle used in the ending, which would really make it more well rounded. Overall great job though! ;)
Thank you so much for this! I have been struggling to define the limits and balance of "Magic" vs. science in a book that I have been playing with ideas for a couple years now.
I like your very in depth explanations of the different types of magic that exist in your world and the differentiation of the types, and users and how they all interact. I think I will try to take another stab at defining my world and its workings this week.
First review since joining so forgive me if this is terrible.
I really love this poem. The word choice is superb and conjures such vivid imagery of what the dreamer is experiencing that it even made me cringe. And yes, the darkness and severity of the words themselves is completely juxtaposed by the well kept, melodious meter. What an fantastic poem to read on my first day on the site.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dragondreams
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 7:52am on Nov 13, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
