Hi bertiebrite!

I am writing this mostly because you said some kind things about my ‘Saga of Jorgund’s Curse’ story (which is actually competing against this piece in this month’s DWAC) and partly because I want more practice at reviewing. As usual, all that follows is just a jumbled mass of my opinions – no offence is intended by anything I say and it is at your discretion as to how much of my blabbering you choose to listen to.


Plot (as I understood it):
A warrior (presumably one of veteran years and experience) named Wilgar is roused from slumber by his bossy wife, Herta. He is due to set off on a grand expedition to the north, but instead gets dragged into a domestic row with his Herta about taking the dogs out to do their business. Wilgar loses the argument and ends up having to take the dogs out.


General impressions:
I really enjoyed your story. I found it very reminiscent of Hagar the Horrible and there were several moments that made me laugh out loud.

There were two key contradictions that I think really made it work as a comedy – firstly, the contradiction between the grand fantastical elements of what is promised (snow trolls, adventure, mighty warriors) and the overwhelmingly domestic and realistic interactions that we actually get to see. Secondly, the contradiction of the mighty warrior versus the brow beaten husband personified in one character – this is a trope that has been used before I suppose, but it is still a solid one and it really works.

The writing style is also brilliant – you do a really good job of ‘showing and not telling’ your tale (something I am definitely jealous of and that I really need to work on in my own writing). The descriptive passages (what little of them existed) were also very clear and didn’t suffer from any overly purple prose. I think perhaps you could even afford to use a little more sense description (scents, etc), but that’s mostly a matter of style/taste and it is certainly not necessary to do so.

Finally, I found it somewhat sad that there was very little redemption or love shown between the husband and wife by the end. I realise that if there had been such a scene the punchline about bringing back a snow troll would have been undermined, but I guess I was kind of expecting that at some point it would be revealed that actually Herta was deeply worried for her husband’s wellbeing. Maybe you could put something to that effect after the snow troll insult?


Best Bits:
The entire argument between husband and wife is extremely convincing – I can completely see Wligar’s exasperated face as every attempt he makes at dodging having to take the dogs out is rebuffed.

I felt that the line ‘He heard a titter of laughter behind his back and turned to face the others. His frown could kill a man at ten paces so the laughter subsided instantly.’ Hit exactly the right note (although maybe ‘and so’ or an em-dash would work better than just ‘so’).

The muttered and unspoken insults: ‘"Shut up, you old hag!" he mumbled into his thick red beard’ and ‘"I'll bring you back a Snow Troll to eat you," Wilgar thought’ both made me guffaw.


Gremlins (spelling, grammar and bits that I found odd):
Your grammar, spelling and punctuation are great, but I did spot a couple of things:

- ‘leave it's comfortable surround’ should be ‘leave its comfortable surround’. The possessive with ‘it’ is admittedly odd.

- ‘He shook his head, then remembered, today they left for the Great Northern Expedition’ I found this snippet a bit odd. Partly this is because the ‘they’ originally made me think it was Wilgar and his wife going on the expedition (she was the only other character mentioned at that point). Additionally I am not sure on the punctuation. I think it should be ‘He shook his head, and then remembered; today they left for the Great Northern Expedition’

- Finally, the line ‘”Take them," she said, a thick rod of ironwood in her hand. Herta used the ironwood to roll out bread, but Wilgar knew she used it for other things as well’ made me laugh but probably for the wrong reason (and maybe just because I am British and we have a penchant for the double entendre) – in any case I kind of took it to be a somewhat naughty innuendo. If you don’t see what I mean just think a little more about ‘thick ironwood rod’ and what ‘other uses’ could be.


Conclusion:
Really great – I very much enjoyed reading it. Keep at it and I look forward to reading more of your work soon.

I am writing this as part of the TGDI’s spotlight review forum. Thank you for sharing your writing, and for choosing to write in my favourite genre – fantasy fiction. As usual, this is just my opinions – no offence is intended by anything I say and it is at your discretion as to how much of my blabbering you choose to listen to.

A teenage boy unexpectedly wins glory in a grand, medieval tournament. For his reward he requests a knighthood from the king and is told it shall be his, on the condition that he rescues princess Eli who has been kidnapped. The boy sets off and finds the fair maiden in a strange tower which has giant’s stairs and midget’s doors. As they begin their escape, the boy receives a static shock which wakes him up - rousing from his sleep it becomes apparent that the entire escapade had been a dream which he soon forgets. However, the reader soon sees that the reality is reflecting the dream world when a new girl named Eli arrives at his school.

This has the potential to be a very adventurous tale and there were several points that stood out for me (see Best Bits).

I think the story maybe suffers in its current state from using too many well-established tropes (‘boy becomes a knight’, ‘save the helpless princess’ and ‘it was all a dream’ to name a few) – although it is great to use tropes to engender a sense of familiarity in the reader, there is also a fine line between that and cliché (I certainly struggle with this in my own writing).

Additionally, for my taste, each individual part could have done to be a little longer and included more narrative description to set the scene. I also would have enjoyed more character description and perspective to relate to Felix and the others a bit better –the best way I have found to flesh out a character is to think how you or a friend would react to a situation and what they might be thinking.

Finally, I found rescuing the princess to be quite anti-climactic; I was expecting that the story was building to a showdown with Eli’s captor – but we never met her captor... Unless the enemy king was, in fact, the evil bunny?

I quite liked the fact that you didn’t explain how a boy without armour or a sword had won the tournament – it should have been my first clue that it was a dream, but I didn’t pick up on it.

I also liked the nature of the dark tower with the enormous steps and the tiny door – it kept me, as the reader, guessing as to what kind of creature/bad-guy I was expecting to be encountered (despite the fact we never did find out).

My favourite bit, though, was the line “When Felix landed on the step with his armour, he looked at it with regret to leave it behind, but he knew it was more important to get Eli to safety than to wear some shiny armour”. This sentence was quite touching and has the potential to serve as a moral, or grander point, to take from your story – that obtaining the trappings of a knight doesn’t matter half so much as obtaining the sense of honour – if this idea was developed further I think it could transform your tale into more of a fable.

I will start with a list of simple corrections:
•‘He won the tournament that was going on during the feast and earned right to sit at the table of the lords’ = ‘He had won the tournament held during the feast, and had now earned the right to sit at the table of the lords’
•Suprised = Surprised
•‘Felix, eating quite messy’ = ‘Felix, eating quite messily’
•‘he had to rescue the king’s daughter who was captured by ...’ = ‘he had to rescue the king’s daughter who had been captured by ...’
•‘he fulfilled his wish, and now he can save a princess from an evil lord’ = ‘he had fulfilled his wish, and now he could save a princess from an evil lord’
•‘enthousiasticly’ = ‘enthusiastically’
•‘Slowly he reached the base of the tower’ = ‘Slowly he approached the base of the tower’
•‘The stairs were as high as his height’ = ‘Each step was as tall as himself’
•‘...rest in the middle of one of the huge stairs’ = ‘...rest in the middle of one of the huge steps’
•‘atleast’ = ‘at least’
•‘The key was still on the lock’ = ‘The key was still in the lock’
•‘He said in a trusting and comforting way’ = ‘He said in a trustworthy and comforting way’
•‘silence, only broken by Eli’s happy sobs’ = ‘a silence that was only broken by Eli’s happy sobs’
•‘occured’ = ‘occurred’
•‘and there were tears everywhere at her face’= ‘ and tears covered her face’ or ‘tears streamed across her face’
•‘it seemed there were only a few steps were left’ = ‘it seemed there were only a few steps left’
•‘still slightly reminding some of the things that happened’ = ‘still somewhat remembering the events of his adventure’

Some of the less simple things that I would probably look to change include:

• Repetition of words in a sentence, e.g. ‘The time was the medieval times’, ‘ There were no guards and Felix remembered the guard’s words’. Try and look for synonyms to avoid this as it can be jarring to read – it is an easy mistake to make; I usually pick up quite a few instances when I come to check over my own work.

• Occasional apparent contradictions e.g. the distance issue that Yuuyake pointed out (you also state near the end that ‘Felix told her that they still are some minutes away from her father ‘ which adds to this confusion). Also you state in one sentence that “A boy named Felix Erchoq with the age of fifteen was the talk of the day” and in another “The lords [...] ignored the boy and were talking to the king about who gets the newly conquered castle of Desiva” – is Felix being talked about or ignored?
As Yuuyake also said in their review (in such a comprehensive manner that I shall not go over the same ground, but merely lend my support to all that was suggested) utilising all of the senses and showing rather than telling would add a great deal of depth to your work.