I think it might be best to break the first paragraph into at least three paragraphs. Perhaps start a new paragraph at "He woke up" and "After work" at least. Quite a lot of ideas are all lumped together in that one big paragraph.
I would suggest using a different analogy here: "He felt like Neo in the Matrix when Morpheus was directing him out of the building." Or perhaps spend a few words explaining exactly how Neo felt, as those unfamiliar with the movie scene won't be able to understand how he felt.
Seems like you have a good idea rattling around in your head. I look forward to seeing where you go with it.
Nice poem. I see you posted it back in November and had a few reviews along the way, but you still have not posted anything else. Is it possible that your feelings for the ranch and experiences would give you material to write more about it in the form of an essay or story?
There are a couple of small errors in the piece. In the second to last line, instead of "days" it should be "day's" I believe. The end should have a period.
Please write more. We need more writing from people who know and love ranch life.
I like it a lot. I am already drawin into the story and wanting to read more. My only humble suggestion would be to flesh it out more and draw the character and setting descriptions more into fewer paragraphs. It seemed they were a bit chopped up in scattered fragments. I will be keeping an eye out for a continuation of this story.
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