Thank you so much. Sorry that I've been away. I just started back to college and Anatomy & Physiology is kicking my butt. I will start logging on late in the evenings to get back in the swing of reviewing.
I think we've all had dreams like this from time to time, and it can be quite scary. Kudos on capturing my atention with the beginning of your story. It caught my curiosity.
What would make this story "pop" even more is if you will put your speaking lines in quotes and on their own line. It creates distinction between Marks thoughts and his conversation between him and his mother.
Example: "Mark, are you okay honey?" (Speaking line)
"Yeah, I'm okay mom." (Speaking line)
I was relieved to hear my mom's voice. (Thought)
I hope this helps; however, at the end of the day, it's your story and you need to be happy with it. Keep on writing. :)
Amen!!! That is exactly how it feels too. I love the rhyming on this piece, and I could follow it. The last stanza, first line I can relate to. I was laid off last November from my position, as well as many others and I did not see it coming. So I can identify with your poetry piece.Anyone who holds down a job should be able to relate.
There is a lot of truth in this piece. We tend to allow people to have power over us, and it does affect our actions. It really does speak volumes, and even though it's a short piece, it opened my eyes. Especially to some areas in my life that I could possibly be doing this.
This piece is so moving & tugs my heart & made me want to weep. It feels like a violinist playing the heart strings to pull the dancers together. Bittersweet & dramatic.
To float away on a sea of mystical freedom sounds so blissfully wonderful. In doing so, one can find who they really are when they allow liberty to carry them away. My favorite line...the music returns. The sweet-sounding melody of nothingness...that's the opium.
I absolutely love poetry like this. Anything that flows like smooth wine, holds deep meanings through veil words and symbolism...grabs me. It pulls me in and tugs my emotions. I love the creativity and the way you did the stanzas. When adult poetry is written well and in good taste, it's very beautiful. Awesome writing.
Okay...now I know...but it didn't really explain how their beginnings were. I feel like I'm missing some crucial information leading up to their announcement of love. It seems to be happening quickly...too quick.
It also has a Star Trek feel to it with the spacecraft jetting to earth for a visit. It does have a normal sense to it...man...woman...attraction...love.
What a strange story. It kind of had a Transformer-type feel to it with the throwing each other into the buildings. I'm still unsure about the sword, and the twist at the end. Is it romantic or a possession of her spirit? Otherwise, my curiosity is piqued.
Will there be a continuation of this story to find out what happens to Birdy? I will go read part one to get a better feel of your story.
This makes me think deeply and I can feel her turmoil in this piece. Maybe all couples should go through this before considering divorcing. It would create some deep soul-searching and test their love for each other. I loved the twist in the story in how reality became a dream and she woke up. However, at the end of the story...it made me wonder if she really did wake up from a dream or if it was real.
My brother can relate to you on this. His fear towards spiders are so strong that he freezes up and cannot move. His fear stems from one time camping out with our cousins and they started throwing spiders on him inside his tent. He could not get out fast enough and they were crawling all over him. I believe he was like 9 or 10 years old when this happened. By the time I got done reading your piece, I was shivering with my imagination from those ugly, creepy crawlies. Brrrrrr.
In your first stanza, you repeated a word twice. I'm not sure if you meant to put it in...I thought I would let you know. Well written.
Wow...so sad because he could have lived out his years outside of prison. I have never heard of this story before and I do not think it was introduced in school when I attended. You wrote this very well and it certainly kept my interest...but then, I love History and real life stories.
LoL...you go girl! That's how you teach a wolf to not eat cookies for an elderly woman. Not to mention brave...but hey, she has flaming hair so why not have the attitude to go with it. Your story is quick to the point, it's not drawn out and boring and made me giggle at the end. I could visualize this 15 year old doing this...oh, and one more thing...she's a teenager. That explains the attitude. :)
Such an adventurous story and I love how you incorporated the dragon. It has a dragon heart feel to it and reminded me of some other movies that are similar to your story. It was sad that they had to let Blackthorn go at the end. I loved it.
I amazed that you got all that from a song playing called Liquid. LOL. Imagine what you could accomplish with the entire album, if they have one.
It's really quite good and l didn't notice too many mistakes. Looking forward to reading some more.
Coming into your third installment of your story, I am confused as to what voidoid is. Your paragraphs seem kind of disconnected from each other in the way it bounces quickly to a different scene. However, it did pique my curiosity on the daughter who is missing, and it grabbed my emotions. I am a new mommy and it would tear me up if something happened to my daughter. So in that regard, I have connected myself to your story.
There needs to be some proof-reading done to correct some misspellings...but other than that...I liked it.
Interesting story with some suspense to it that actually builds up slowly until the end. There is a lot of correction that needs to be done as far as misspelled words and punctuation. What always helps me is to read out loud so that I catch my own mistakes.
Other than that, it will be curious to see what happens next for Damian.
That sounds about right coming from that pip-squeak. I hate the devil and he hates me...it's all mutual. I feel like you portrayed Life's real villain perfectly. He roams to and fro like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. It seems like you changed your rhythm towards the last few stanzas of your piece, and it kind of threw me off. There are some punctuation that need to be corrected, but outside of that...your piece is good.
On a side note: in the end, it's your writing and it needs to be how you want it. I respect that. :)
Oh man! Your story pulled me in and now I have to guess. Do you have plans to go further with this story? I'm not sure whether to growl at you or stomp my foot in reader's frustration. There is no doubt that your story captured and kept my attention all the way through the story. Good suspenseful feeling mounting up to the end.
I agree. My nephew just graduated from High School, however, he was involved in Wrestling, Soccer and Boys Scouts. He worked his butt off to achieve excellence on all three. He received his Eagle (the highest honor)...but he had to achieve various things and for community. He put in some hard, tough labor and work hard to earn some things. He was 1 point away of going to Nationals on his wrestling team. He had won all the way up to state...he cried all the way home (his senior year). He was devastated because he had worked so hard to get there. Soccer - he won all the way up. He failed some - but it made him work that much harder.
Everything cannot be handed to them on a silver platter. If they do not work for it - they will never appreciate it. Good read.
Scary and I would be worried. Reminds me a little of 'Drop Dead Fred'...but without the hysterics. There are some words that are missing in sentences to make them feel complete. What helps me to catch them is I read it out loud and I can see what I'm missing. Other than that, it's convincing of a suspense story.
I would be so torn. I couldn't leave my husband...but I could not ever see my child either. I think I would had grabbed him and my 19 month old daughter and disappeared into the crowd...and flee to another distant land. What bravery and sadness at the same time. It reminds me a little of the story where they gather the town to stone one person and lots are chosen on who will be next. As the reader, it has impacted me emotionally and I felt like I was in the mist of the story watching it happen.
Isn't that truth? We are our own ticking time bomb. Our government are not for the people anymore...they are for the President. Enough said on that one word or I will be here all day expounding. The stock market is not that great anymore and war is picking right back up and we are having Cutter babysit. Lord help us. I could keep going...see? Your poetry piece is effective in stirring up my dander. LoL.
It brings back a memory of going through my grandmother's things that she had stored away. Old pictures, quilt blocks that she had cut out but never got around to putting together and a vast of other things. Some old jewelry and just the smell of grandma's house in those boxes. I miss my grandmother even now. I like that you wrote it in free form and it flows nicely. Sometimes when poetry is wrote in rhyme, I feel like you cannot write with the needed emotion.
I liked it.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/djane
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.17 seconds at 1:52am on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX2.
| (4.5)
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
