Hi Bentonar,
I thought I'd come give you a quick going over on your story. Anyone who has seen me on these pages will know I rate honesty over spared feelings so here is my honesty:
You have a good base idea. You also have a lack of proper punctuation that leads to your story being extremely difficult to read - there is no real 'flow' to it. This is mainly evident in your second paragraph which consists of a sentance of approx. 40 words. Read it aloud to yourself and add in sentance breaks etc. when appropriate.
I honestly believe if you take the time to re-work this one you can make a good idea into a really great short-story - A novel if you are feeling ambitious? Tell us who this man really is and why he has so many questions and such a distaste for the people that ended up helping him.
I just read your story and wanted to explain why I only gave it 2 stars.
I think you have a good basis for a story here but that's all it seems to be. It is very basic. The dialogue sounds a bit forced and unrealistic. Your characters have no real feel to them. They are cardboard cutouts!
I hope you apprciate the fact that I think you have the chance to make an excellent story out of a basic idea here. Have you considered re-writing it and expanding upon it slightly? I think it would be worth it.
Peter,
I thought I would return the favour
I think you're story here is excellent. It reads really well and the use of dialogue is great, not overdone (it looked daunting at first!)
There's just a couple of things: you got your tenses mixed up a bit on one line "He doesn’t quite understand what her words meant" - this should be 'didn't' or 'means' to read properly.
The other thing is you have missed of your speech marks on a couple of lines (I ove findind this in novels I'm reading!) "Thanks, she mutters" and the line below or near by.
Generally I like it and your characterisation is good. I finished reading wondering what would happen to them now and what their full history is - which to me says care. Let me know if you decide to finish it fully.
Sidenot: I've changed and updated my short story, Eternally Yours, if you fancy comparing?
Keep it up
Nikki
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