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Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Chapter 1-3  Open in new Window.
Review by squishypeach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
The story begins in the humble dwelling of David Felidae the cat, who lived on the sixth floor of an apartment building which was set in the very heart of the booming metropolis, Geltempo City.
this sentence is long and wordy. You should split it into two sentences, or insert some better punctuation.

His front side was white which ran up along his body until it ended in a splash between his eyes.
His front side was white, and ran up along his body until it ended in a splash between his eyes.

Metal sidewalks with guardrails stretched out from building to building forming complex lattice throughout Upper-Level for those who were to tired too, or couldn't fly.
Metal sidewalks with guardrails stretched out from building to building, forming a complex lattice throughout Upper-Level for those who couldn't fly, or rather, were too tired to.

Other than those in the Sky Bus transportation system and emergency vehicles, hovercrafts were rarely seen get rid of here since they were so expensive. Under Upper-Level was Ground-Level Geltempo, where all the land bound creatures, such as David, dwelled. Most of the creatures in Geltempo kept to their own respective levels ,(though cats, who were very fond of high places, often visited, went on vacation to, or lived in Upper-level) allowing all the inhabitants to coexist, for the most part, peacefully.

As you can see, I have only gotten to the first paragraph. You obviously need to go through and proofread. Make sure you check over things like writing "too" vs. "to" and "were" instead of "where."

Also, you need to make sure you have correct punctuation. Often times you leave out necessary commas. Read sentences out loud to get the flow of them and insert commas where the natural breaks are.

The main thing in this piece is the tense. You switch from present to past and sometimes use both in the same sentence, which is contradictory.

Other than those main things, I think you have the beginnings of something good here. It becomes more interesting as the dialogue gets going.
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Review by squishypeach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,

Perfect Shakespearean sonnet. I didn't find any problems with the number of syllables or anything. You did a good job with this. There wasn't any typos either and I like the theme you used for this because it is interesting with the history in it. Keep up the good work.

Rebecca
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Review by squishypeach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
The reason I so absolutely adored this piece was because I truly felt that in my heart I could relate to you so well. I know how it feels.
I felt that it was so appropriate and that you did a good job in conveying the heartbroken spirit in such short words. Sometimes short and sweet is better than long and emotionless.

i love your work.
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Review by squishypeach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)

hello!

support groups and just about anywhere else, my travels have taken me.
-I don't think you need a comma after else.

**just a suggestion for your second paragraph, instead of using "..." I would just put in a comma.

Occasionally, the opportunity to be drawn into the process of interactions seen in-group is provided thru
-please use 'through'

-I found this informative.Good Job!

Thanks for coming to the review forum!

-*squishypeach
5
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Review by squishypeach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
hello whome!

What a great story! I found myself laughing out loud. I liked how you gave the background information of your job and such before cutting to the chase--it really helped me to better imagine the scene and your reactions in detail.
Also, no blatant errors! Congratulations.

Good Work!

-squishypeach
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Review by squishypeach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
hello gabriel,

What an interesting story. I felt it was very well written and touching, in a way. It was a cool new perspective of life's end.


here's something really small that's hard to spot sometimes: If I knew any better, I would’ve realized that I was dying.
-since you're speaking in past tense, you need to follow up on that consistently throughout the piece.
"I had known any better,.."

Simple; I didn’t want to be in my house anymore, so I left.
-I'm not sure about the use of semi colon here, it's a little odd. I would change it to a hyphen or a comma.

If he was making that same annoying victory dance each time he won.
-this sentence sounds cut off and fragment-ish, if you will. I'd combine it to the sentence before it.

The blood became insignificant as I faced an elderly woman wrapped in a heavy brown cloth; only, huge black wings had erupted out of her back like a blooming rose
-again, use of semi colon. I would change the semi colon to a comma, then get rid of the comma after only.

Wistful remembrances and uncorked champagne bottles flooded my mind. Goodbye, Brody.

“What do you mean, ‘goodbye’?”
-when brody says 'what do you mean, goodbye?' you should actually have harbor say goodbye. Put quotation marks in the first goodbye which I bolded.

“I’m sorry, Harbor,” She said, her voice whispered and drawn, “but this is how it all goes down.”
-ha ha the old lady death thinks shes a gangsta ?


“Do you remember when we were seven, and you wanted to play star command, and I wanted to play Hide and seek?” I asked.

"Star commander is awesome."
-Is it Star Command or Star Commander? You seem to switch off..also, you tend to forget to capitalize Star Commander.

Thanks so much for coming to the review forum! I hope my feedback was helpful to improving your piece!

-squishypeach
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Review of Melody Of Words  Open in new Window.
Review by squishypeach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
hey there VB! (can I call you VB?)

Nice story. Interesting characters and idea. I also like that it is set in a regular day-to-day area. After reading mostly fantasies (don't get me wrong, I love them), I really enjoyed reading a story set in Brooklyn. (You can actually find it on a real map!)

The only thing I suggest is that you really go back and check your work. Although I truly enjoyed the story and the concept itself, I felt that it was only fair to rate a 3.5 because of the amount of errors I found.

Please don't be offended. I'm an especially nit-picky person.




first paragraph: be careful of wordy sentences *Smile*

Since she was finally a senior this year she was allowed to leave early everyday at twelve thirty
-comma after 'year'

What worried her the most, was what lay in the packet behind her schedule. She never knew that a few single off white piece’s of paper offering her a chance at a full scholarship to Manhattans prestigious Pengham’s Writer’s Institute could be so bittersweet.
-First sentence here: you don't need a comma after 'most.' There is no apostrophe for 'pieces,' because it is a plural 's.' On the contrary, you DO need an apostrophe for 'Manhattan's,' because it shows possession.

She had met all of the general requirements; 4.0 grade point average, clean school record,and at least two literature related after school activities.
-I would change the semicolon after 'requirements' to a colon, because you are making a list. I'd also put a hyphen between literature and related, but its not absolutely necessary.

What writers conventions have you been able to take part in?
-apostrophe for "writer's"

She knew perfectly well that her main rival, Jessica Franklin had interned for Jake Lakeson, famous young adult fiction writer, over the summer.
-Okay, here I found that your commas are in odd places. First off, there should be a comma after 'Franklin.' You don't need a comma between 'writer' and 'over.'

So already she was one step ahead of Madison. Madison was in no position to give up just because of this.
-You shouldn't start sentences with 'so.' I think you can combine the two above sentences like so: Although Jessica was already one step ahead of her, she was in no position to give up.

The only reason she was even excepted into Twain Academy was because or her terrific academic standing that earned her acceptance into the high school as well as a full paid
-okay, a couple of things here: you spelled "accepted" wrong the first time, although I don't get why you would do that when you spell it correctly the second time. Also, the two bolded phrases are repeats. You already said she got acceptance to the high school, you don't need to say it twice!

Alexa Roshep was Madison’s first friend upon entering Twain academy
-capital 'a' in academy.

Madison handed her Raven haired friend her schedule and smiled.
-should raven be capitalized? And i'd put a hyphen between raven and haired.

“Bingo,” said Madison, putting the papers away in her backpack and taking a big gulp of sprite from her water bottle.
-capital 's' for Sprite because it is the name of the product.

... kept on drinking juice or soda till she made a million runs to the bathroom within an hour.
-As much as I love 'till,' it's not a word. Please say 'until.' *Laugh*

Madison waited out side by the large metal gates of the school for Alexa.
-out and side are one word: outside

“Sorry, I’m a bit late,” she said, as she ran up to her, huffing for breath.
-no comma needed after 'said.'

“So, have you decided if your gonna talk to her?”asked Alexa, after she finally caught her breath fifteen minutes later.
-this should be 'you're' because it is a contraction for 'you are.'

These thoughts consumed her mind till she ended up at the front door of her Brooklyn apartment.
-once again with the 'till.' *Laugh*

It was her grandmothers main rule; no shoes in the house.
-apostrophe between r and s in grandmothers

They always told her not to worry about paying for collage or anything at all.
-college.(spelling error)

But Madison felt to guilty to accept something as huge as that from them.
-should be 'too.' And since you're starting this sentence with 'but,' I would just go ahead and combine it with the sentence before it.

still keeping in touch even into their thirty’s.
-thirties.

She wished one day she would be able to write as good as Stephanie.
-'write as good as Stephanie' is improper grammar. Try 'write as well as Stephanie.'

Stephanie never told her directly but she felt that after her mother found out she wanted to be a writer she asked her to be discrete and mentor her.
-diagnosis: this sentence's punctuation took a vacation! *Laugh*
try a comma after 'directly,' and 'writer.'

“Let yourself in,” yelled a voice from the other side.
-if Stephanie is yelling this, shouldn't there be an exclamation mark?

Though her shirt was a few sizes to big on her Madison knew that her figure was worthy of walking down the runway of a New York fashion show.
-comma between 'her' and 'Madison.'

*I noticed you have quite a few punctuation mishaps. A good trick is reading your story out loud so that you can tell where a sentence naturally breaks, which is where you'd put a comma.*

She felt inferior around her. She felt as if she were an aw-struc nymph staring up at her idol goddess, surrounded in a cloud of smoke .
-You start both of these sentences with 'she felt.' Why not combine them? Try something like, 'she felt inferior around her, like an awestruck nymph staring up at her idol goddess....etc." Which brings me to my next point: you spell 'aw-struck' like 'awestruck.'

“Well...Where to begin,” said Madison.
-'Where' shouldn't be capitalized.

By making her laugh she felt a big loosened up.
-I'm guessing this is a typo. She felt a 'bit' loosened up?

“Well I think this will explain it a lot better,” she said, reaching in her pocket and handing over the scholarship paper’s to her.
-no apostrophe for papers, because it is a plural. Never use apostrophes for plural nouns.
"Stephanie quickly scanned the sheets in a few second’s.."
-same thing here for 'seconds'


I know there are more experienced people out there that would be better then me but,
-okay, you use 'than' when you are comparing two things. You use 'then' for succession.
ex) I like blue more than red.
I'm going to eat and then sleep.

if there’s anyway or any other option you can offer me. I would really appreciate it.”
-comma instead of period after 'me.'

I really, really hope you benefited from my review. Remember, you can only get better and better!

Thanks so much for contributing to the review forum!

-c
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Review by squishypeach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hello!

What a sad story. I could really imagine this whole thing in my head, especially your description of where Cal and MaryBelle used to go for fun.

Thanks so much for a couple of things:
1. contributing to the review forum!
2. no spelling errors!


Her finger lightly traced the outline of his square jaw, before she looked into his big brown eyes.
-you either don't need a comma, or make it
'she looked into his big brown eyes and lightly traced the outline of his square jaw with her finger.'

Then set the picture above her writing paper.
-this sounds like a command. Add a comma after 'then,' and add a 'she' before the 'set.'

He got an 'A' on his spelling test and a 'B on his math test yesterday. He's writing you a letter today, too
-you forgot the second apostrophe after 'B

*I found a couple of mistakes during the letter portion of the piece, but I didn't point them out because I assumed you did it on purpose to create MaryBelle's writing style.*

Alright, thanks again! I really hope this helped!

-c
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Review by squishypeach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
hey there!

what an interesting piece! It's like a sing-song story. It's very unique--i like it!

a couple of things though:
The argument split them apart. The stupid argument was over who won the videogame.
-about these sentences: I feel as if the two sentences are repetitive because they both start with 'argument' in the first couple of words. Maybe you can change it to something like, 'the stupid argument over who won the video game split them apart.'

She walks out the bedroom door, past her parents.
-i believe this should be 'walked' because in the rest of your piece, you used past tense.

When she was by her friends door, she knocked.
-this should be friend's (with apostrophe) because it shows possession.


I noticed that you didn't use any punctuation for the songs. I was just wondering if that was on purpose.

Also for the songs, since the songs are just one person singing it (at the time), you only need quotations at the beginning and end of the song.

for example:

"She won't listen to my phone calls"
"She won't answer the door"
"She won't answer my texts"
"She also won't apologize"
"Wait, I'm going to apologize to her one more time"

instead:
"She won't listen to my phone calls
She won't answer the door
She won't answer my texts
She also won't apologize
Wait, I'm going to apologize to her one more time"


Well, that's all I could think of. This is a really cute story, and I liked it.


Thanks so much for contributing to the forum, it is so greatly appreciated!

-c
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Review by squishypeach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
hey there!

I actually really liked this story! I found it very poetic and with strong voice, as well as superb imagery. Well done!

unfortunately, no piece is without any error, and I managed to spot just a few:

1. An old saying I have heard since I was old enough to understand words.
although this sentence is great for grabbing a reader's attention in your opening, it actually isn't in fact, a sentence. It's a fragment, and you can make it all better by combining this with your first sentence.

2. It looks back at me: Half in welcome, half in censure.
the colon should be replaced with a comma, and half lowercased. well, I suppose it's not a crime to use a colon there, but it's a little unnecessary.

3.The hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Unsettling.
As cool as these two phrases sound, 'unsettling' is not a sentence. My suggestion: change the period after 'up' to a comma and combine combine combine! *Smile*

4. I will hoard all the good things I recall, because there were so many things good.
this sounds a little odd. maybe you should say 'there were so many good things, or even better yet, substitute the second 'good' for a synonym, because you already used 'good' in that sentence.


Thanks for the privilege of reading this piece! Keep writing *Laugh*

-celestyn
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Review of Haunting Memories  Open in new Window.
Review by squishypeach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
hello again,

Good job on this short story. It was emotional, in a good way. I think maybe your strong point is your ability to convey the feeling of your story. However, since no piece is absolutely flawless, there are a couple of things that I'd like to point out. First of all,


--I held my breath as I watched the doctor come into the waiting room. He stood in front of everyone, looking around the room full of worried family members and friends.

Since you've already established that the doctor is looking around the waiting room, you don't to repeat.
How about, "...doctor come into the waiting room. He stood in front of everyone, looking around at the faces of worried family members and friends." Or something along those lines.

Once again, 'The doctor sighed, “You know, times like these, I wonder why I work here. I’d like to tell you that his life isn’t going to end. But it is. If you would like to see him before the end, I think now is the best time. There isn’t much time left.”
Just as before (this is my last example of repetition, i promise!), when you repeat a word or phrase within close range of each other, it creates a little break in the flow. What about substituting one of the "ends" for "his time is up." Or a different synonym.

--'I wiped my tears with my hands “I’m sorry,” I whispered.
* don't forget the period after hands!*

The door opened slowly revealing his limp figure. Don't let punctuation take a vacation! *Laugh* This is an excellent example of "the panda eats, shoots, and leaves. the panda eats shoots and leaves."
This sentence can be interpreted as, "The door opened slowly, revealing his limp figure. OR The door opened, slowly revealing his limp figure."
since YOU are the author, YOU are the master of commas in this piece. USE THEM!

--'I shook when the doctor said softly, “He doesn’t bite, go talk to him.”
*"softly said," flows smoother.

--' I looked back at Jason who was sleeping.
Either put a comma between Jason and who, or say something like, " I looked back at the now sleeping Jason," or something like that.

--' I brought his hand I was holding to my mouth and kissed it. His fingers moved but that was it.
-a smoother phrase: "I brought his hand to my mouth and kissed it. His fingers moved COMMA but that was it.

--'There was a knock on the door, “Come in,” I said commanot being able to hide my tears.

Okay, so I'm not going to pick at every tiny thing in this piece, and I must compliment you for being one who knows how to spell! That really is something to be proud of.

Thanks for letting me read your piece. Don't take my criticism too harshly, it can only help to improve your writing, and you don't even have to take some of my comments in to consideration.

Continue your stories! I hope to read some more of them in the future!

--celestyn







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Review of Evil wind  Open in new Window.
Review by squishypeach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello,

Wow, what a poem! It really had a dark effect, which was good. I didn't find any obvious errors, however it could do with a few suggestions.

First of all, maybe you can use dashes (--) instead of commas in some places, just to switch things up a bit.

Secondly,(and this is only my opinion)Does malevolence lie in wait as well,
in the soil. or the water.
or the firmament?

to me, the use of periods just sounds a little awkward.

Other than that, I really enjoyed you piece and hope to review more of your pieces in the future!

Thanks,
--celestyn
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