Wow! You have a wonderfully written story, JustPeachy. The set-up develops the plot so well by flashing back to earlier; the reader knows what's coming but keeps reading to find out the details of why and how. Also great dialogue. As I was reading I thought of a few things that could be altered to make it better - but I was wrong.
You have a good story; well developed and keeps the reader interested. My suggestions for making it better, would be to "tighten it up," as they say.
In the first paragraph you don't need "apparently tranquil, and normal place" since you've already set it up in the first sentence as "all was fair as usual." We have in mind it's a nice, normal village. Also the use of "apparently" makes it read like a narrator telling a story, but the rest of the piece doesn't imply a narrator. I would re-write the second sentence simply as: But in this tranquil place, rumors from around Wrethmire were spreading.
A few items I would consider in revision: "a man with a huge gash" would provide a better visual if we knew where it was located (presumed on the leg due to limping), "Three older teenagers surrounded him with malicious grins" would be more appropriate as "Three older teenagers with malicious grins surrounded him" so it doesn't appear the grins were surrounding the boy. Editing change: blacksmith is a compound word, unless you were identifying the skin color.
I expected a different ending; maybe a surprise ending. But it was a nice story and all's well in the village again. But I have a concern. I expected the three thugs were killed because they were evil, and the dragon confirmed that. Then why did he attack the boy. I assume you want the reader to consider that aspect.
You've got an extensive portfolio. I'll be reading more of your work.
Fantastic story. Well written, good character profiles for a short story, good dialogue and interplay between the players. A story worthy of the Brothers Grimm. In fact, it has all the characteristics and horror or the masters: vane maiden, innocent villagers, unexpected events closing with a horrific ending that teaches a moral. Is it based on an old tale handed down over the years? The names and titles from the old country add authenticity. Fun reading.
I'm impressed. Nice job. You had me at the first dialogue between dragon and Alex. They complement each other well. Though the dragon has the upper hand, she holds her own and intrigues him, and offers him something he needs; a diversion from boredom. I got the idea you were caught up in the story and it sort of wrote itself.
Describing the morphing of Behemoth was masterful and a brilliant device.
I thoroughly enjoyed the story. I can see this plot line offering up another story or 2 as they react with the 'real world'.
By the way, usually errors in grammar, or content, jump off the page at me. Nothing caught my attention.
Good job of showing the conflict and tension of New Years' resolutions. Also the struggle of kleptomaniacs, however, they have medical issues which may not be so easily overcome by willpower. Of course, that's why you introduced a "higher power", I would think.
The decision to have Rick appear similar to the Grim Reaper was instrumental in intimating a darker side; and it balances the good versus evil. Nice touch.
Dialogue is handled well. Good use of '50 cent words': austere, benevolent.
One point needs attention: the hundred dollar bill turns into a dollar bill. Simply referring to it as the bill would have worked.
Many aspects are touched on in your poem. From the child’s view of Easter at church, then coloring eggs, on up through the stages of life. I like your inventive way of creating a vivid ‘tie-in’ back to your first rememberence by using the phrase “through the looking glass.” Adding the word “glazed” allows the reader to play with their own version of looking back.
This being the first time I attempted a contest entry, I was especially moved by your approach, particularly focusing on concise stanzas addressing various aspects of the subject. My vision was literally no Easter Bunny. I felt it was a good attempt but created a situation that I had trouble condensing to 28 lines. Thanks for the ‘teaching moment’.
Great story Chris W., especially in the limited window you had to work with. I was initially bored along with Alex, then curious, uncomprehending, terrorized, and finally, intrigued. And a touch of humor! This range of reader responses is, in my opinion, a characteristic of great writing.
The story builds and drags you along and leaves you wanting more. Personally, I tend to write of innocent characters who are quickly placed in intriguing situations, so I was pleasantly surprised with this story.
One aspect, I feel, needs a touch of ‘fleshing out’. The reader doesn’t have a description of Brando so when Alex sees a “still, white form” I felt that a response from Alex indicating his shock at what was the family pet would have been helpful.
I agree with you that about the characters and I would like to ‘see’ them again. Your command of dialogue shows skill, and especially using the wireless phone for effect. I am curious to know who she would defer to for expert advice.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 6:18pm on Nov 10, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "