This is a nice piece, giving us an insight on some moves scoundrels such as Ramon can make. The writing was smooth with a good beginning middle and ending. Conflict was present to the point where I was actually hoping that you would not be bought by his actions. I was even mad when Renee listened to Ramon. Realistic to the end.
Nice poem, I did like the rhyming though some of the sentences are somewhat misleading. For instance:
You're sunshine on a rainy day,
Which relieves me when my days are gray.
The first (You're sunshine of a rainy day.) sounds more like what you are to the other person. Then in the next sentence it is turned around and what the other person is to you. If the first part would read (You're my sunshine on a rainy day) it gives a better reason in the next part.
I like this poem because I have a penchant for rhyming poems, put love in the mixture, and it makes for a great picture poem it shows the love in your heart.
This is a nice story, yet it needs to be tightened so that the reader does not feel all over the place trying to understand the space of time. This part ( I had been a normal little boy.) Gives the impression that you were normal, but you no longer are. By tightening it and giving it the right tense using (I was a normal boy), less words are used, but it conveys the same thing. The word (little) is not necessary unless you want to indicate that you were smaller than the other children. Having indicated that you were a boy says that you were small.
The middle for most of it was good there was a conflict a reason to read on. I would have liked to see more on the senses. Sight, sound, smell. I did like the tears and texture as indicated for the mattress.
The last phrase was all over the place. Giving the reader a visual time, but also indicating that the reader has to calculate by zigzagging back and forth between lines. It also needs to be tightened up.
I liked this piece, mostly because it reminded me of goodness of doing good to others. Pure love almost a puppy love that blooms.
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