This is a beautiful description of your relationship with your Nan however I dont think it can be classed as a short story. I think you need to go into more detail or how you became close or tell a particular story about the two of you. This is very well written and very sweet. A fantastic peice of work but you could definately take it a step further.
Interesting and enjoyable story. I love the imagery, especially the eyeball thing. I have some suggestions so I'll get those out of the way then talk about your story as a whole.
Suggestions The following are just suggestion use and ignore them as you wish.
The air stank of garbage and urine, the ground under their feet, comprised of Gravel and sand, damp from recent rain, crunched with every step. - I think you don't need this many commas. Try rewording sentances like this. An example would be.
'The air stank of garbage and urine. Comprised of gravel and sand, the ground under their feet was damp from rain and crunched with every step.'
Suddenly Rowan stopped Suddenly Rowan had a name, it took me a few lines after this one to figure out who you where talking about. Perhaps you could add her name to the previous dialogue. Then it wouldnt be so confusing. Because then we can assume Siggy is the man.
“You know Rowan, I thought we would
crouching down with her hand outstretched, palm facing her body, - fullstop here instead of comma
children have a porcelain mask covered its face, chipped around the edges and tinged yellow with age. - comma after have. Full stop after face and start the next sentance with 'The mask was chipped..'
rubbing her back to comfort her, - full stop instead of comma
cool mist,
“We better run for it” Rowan said, - as above, keep an eye on your punctuation. Read through and check that you have used the comma and fullstop correctly. I'm pretty sure that where you have started a new line with your dialogue that the previous line should have a full stop not a comma.
with the ground, the two figures weaving amongst the tall black gum trees like children playing tag - full stop instead of comma. weaved instead of weaving.
As they reached the edge of the court they slowed down as the rain stopped, the musical sound of dripping water filling the air - The repetition of as in this sentance sounds a little odd. Perhaps you could end the sentance after slowed down and remove the second as and replace the comma with and.
light of the moon reflected off a gleaming eye. I think off of a gleaming eye would sound better here
been to busy looking at the dogs mouth - too
I think you need to rethink your ending a little. It is a little cliche and is the easy way out. Rewrite it from where the dog barks. As it is it looks like you couldn't be bothered with the ending. This upsets me a little as this story has a lot of potential and the ending is sort of a let down.
Your brief description could be used better. You could say something like 'A couple come across an unexpected horror while on a walk.' I'm sure you could think of something better than that but the brief description is what draws the reader to your item. It needs to be interesting and make them want to read your item.
Overall
Overall it was a pleasure to read your story. It was interesting and well written. You have a few points which need a little work but I am sure you will have no trouble editing. I suggest you go through this piece slowly and have a look at your comma usage. Where there a sentances with many commas try rewording them a little. Break up one sentance to two or three if you can. Other than the things I have pointed out this is very well written, you have the writing gift my friend you just need to hone your skills a little. I've given you a 2.5 for now becuase of how many suggestions I have. Remember though that this piece is good and was enjoyable it just needs a little editing. If you do edit be sure to tell me and I will come back and rerate this piece. Thanks for sharing your work and write on!
What I liked
I love your word choice. It's fits perfectly with the subject matter in this poem.
Suggestions & Typos
No suggestions
Overal
Overall this was an enjoyable read. You have done a fantastic job with this poem. Word choice, style, everything was perfect. Thanks for sharing. Write on!
Errors & Solutions: I dont like to see a large chunks of text. I think breaking it up a bit more will make it look better and make it easier to read.
What I liked/disliked: There was nothing that I disliked. I love the sentiment of the story.
Overall Comments: Overall this was a fabulous story. I enjoyed it totally and even felt my eyes misting up a little. You conveyed the love between the Tom and Lilly perfectly. Thanks for sharing this and good job.
What I liked/disliked: Nothing that I disliked. I liked how you went about this. It's a good introduction to your darker writing.
Overall Comments: I enjoyed this, I found it very interesting. I would love to read your darker tales but you dont seem to have any up. You did a good job with this and I think you deserve 5 's for your effort. Write on!
Errors & Solutions: I didn't notice any errors while reading
What I likedYou're word choice was great. It helped me see the world through Mirabels eyes. Your description was also great. I got a clear vision in my mind of the girl and her fear. Good job.
What I disliked:There was nothing that I disliked in this.
Overall Comments: You did an excellant job. It was humourous, well rounded and written well. Although I think there could be a bit more about the bulging eyed bunny. Maybe Mirabel could have imaged it coming for her.
Take care
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/devilangel
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 1:49am on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
I have some suggestions so I'll get those out of the way then talk about your story as a whole. 
No suggestions
you are being raided!