You have a good basis for a prologue or opening to your story. You may need to develop it bit more with a hook to grab the reader and keep them. You’ve got a wee bit…but it seems to drag on.
You might not want to start a paragraph off with ‘of course’, you are assuming the reader knows something they don’t and you are about to tell them.
If you run this through spell check and grammar you will find that you have written in a passive tone. You will want to change that. Also you have written at the 12th grade level. Something to keep in mind. Who is your audience going to be?
Wow! I really enjoyed reading this. You have done a terrific job in setting forth your characters. They are fun to read and keep you wanting to know what is going to happen next.
Your dialogue between the characters is believeable and fun. *g*
Your story is good and the ending perfect. You did change you style of telling your story in a couple of places. The fourth paragraph should start differently. Maybe by deleting the first three words and simply saying:
I learned that Mildred and I attend Riverside’s St. Mary’s Church. She sits on the left side, ...
That should make it read easier.
You last sentence is the most important part of our story. Thank you for sharing.
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