The only real advice I can give you is to brain storm and make this at least a longer short story. If you really don't want to expand the story, I think you should take away his name. Let him be "He" so I don't feel like I'm on a first name basis with a man I can never know. Still, I'm left wanting to know more...which is could...I should be.
Minus a few word choice issues like "but a handful" that, for me, kind of break the tone a bit, I really enjoyed this story. Great work.
I was always less interested in poetry than most of my friends who write - but there's always been a certain attraction towards the darker side of things, mainly due to the prevailing human instinct to shelter itself from the darker thoughts and the negative and often tragic elements of nature - human or otherwise. So, basically, I dig the concept.
The execution could have been better, and I think the main problems I have with it is its length, and the fact that it succmbs to the urge to portray this nightmare with that typical pop/rock version of dispair, heartache, fear etc. It's a hard thing to pull away from. What I mean is, lines like - "Drowning in my hearts desire" have been heard over and over and over again...verbatem actually. So when I read this I think "Who isn't?" - it doesn't connect with me as it should because a few hours on the radio I heard a would be poet with a pretty voice belt it out. Hard as it may be, you should try to seperate yourself from such conventional methods of expression. I don't know, maybe you need to go deeper inside yourself than you might want to? Either way I don't believe you. I don't believe you feel these things - and that's something I should be able to believe whether you genuinely feel them or not. So there's my personal opinion.
On the whole, I think it has potential, maybe more than you think, but I think you should definitely work on defining yourself a little better. Whether you let me know who you are, or convince me you're someone else...make me believe.
First let's get this out of the way - you obviously have talent and I already feel like a jerk. The reason for that is the advice I'm about to give might very well apply more to me than it does to you. I think it applies in different ways though...
I think, and take it for what it's worth, that you need to solidify your style here. What you're doing that muddles up the flow of the story, is bouncing back and forth from one voice to the next. Here comes pure opinion: With all the various influences we have, I think it's safe to call this one of the harder things to master. With enough time and energy anyone can master the structure of the language - that's really not even half of your job here, as an artist. In my eyes, I need to get a sense and a feel for you, as an author, or I'll never EVER care about your characters. Your story tries to stop itself from reading like a poem and that's where it fails the most - to the point where it's appropriate in a not so great way that you ended the way you did. Writing for an audience is the best way to lose an audience in my opinion. You need to write for you, and stick to what works best. You have a persona and I think you're doging it, or afraid of using it. Either way, there's great potential here and fear just isn't a good reason to waste it.
Yeah it sounds like I hated it. I didn't, I thought it was funny and for what it was I guess it got the job done. It just seems uncomfortable and your style isn't really solid.
I'm not saying to stick with poetry - I'm saying try to infuse that into your stories more without such apparent hesitation.
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