Hello. Came across this while finding things to read on WdC.
You labelled this piece as Sci-fi, I wonder why though. It kinda touched me in more of a family sense, the strong bond between father and son. The kinship between Godfrey and Jess, both of their passion for pyrotechnics. The story was well-written, with a good flow that made reading relaxing.
Hello. Saw this on the Plug page, read it, now ready to comment. Please remember that I represent only me, and my words are not necessarily right.
The plot was solid, but I think the title is too vague and general. The title makes me think about a funeral, you know, sad and sombre. There was a little background about the characters, which is good, the readers can familiarize with them.
I personally felt that the story progressed too quickly, maybe you had a word limit to adhere to? There were grammar and punctuation errors here and there, so I suggest that you proofread the piece.
This sure has enlightened me. I've never heard of such a job called a runner
The whole piece is basically about this woman's work and her perceptiveness to others' need. It's a touching story, be it real or fiction. You've done well on the emotional aspect, I can feel the woman's willingness to assist her husband, not complaining about the unsteady income.
I especially like the line: I have watched her and wondered how it must feel, to recognize need in this way.
A little grammar and spelling mistake, just reread it and you'll catch them.
Hi. Came across your poem on the Review Request Page.
Unfortunately, I am not very familiar with poetry writing styles/formats, so the emotional aspect of the poem is all I can provide you with. Your words are very graphic, especially the part about the beach and ocean, love it!
Stanza 6, the part about stars, I think you should substitute 'sing' with something else, like 'shine' maybe? Just a personal opinion, it's fine if you don't think so!
This poem brings out emotions in me. Maybe it is because I, myself, is in such a situation.
You've done well to use rhymes, it makes reading much interesting. And the words you use are simple and precise, even so, they ring true to the nature of this poem.
I love dogs! There I've said it, so excuse me if I am being biased with judgment. I see that certain stanzas rhyme while some don't, but it's fine. The only line I couldn't fit in was the there is something you need, not sure whether others feel the same, but I just thought it was unnecessary.
A graduation poem, not something you see every day on WdC
Down to business then. The poem is written in a chronological order, which is good. I think you need to write more on the part about high school, provide some scenes and descriptions, because people may accidentally think you're just graduating from elementary school, despite the line 'fast forward twelve years later'.
There seems to be a punctuation problem in certain lines, some lacking(e.g. line 3 is missing a full stop/period), some unnecessary(e.g. line 16 does not require the comma). Maybe it is because you were rushing through it? I don't know...
I would like to make a suggestion that you switch line 30 with line 28, just to keep line 28, line 29 and line 31 together. I'm not sure if it does any good, I just think it will flow better that way.
If you're having problems understanding my review, you can pop by and ask. Keep writing. I hope this helped? Still a newbie with lots to learn, I am ~
The alternating point-of-view makes the comparison much easier, it made me smile all the while reading. And the things you write for the monsters are truly imaginative, I might consider telling my little sister this story . The fact that the story starts from morning breakfast and ends at night makes the whole piece complete and satisfying.
Sweet, simple and short. You poem reminds me of a scene in a Japanese anime. It truly depicts mortals' search for their soul mates and how fortune plays a big role in it, bringing one together with another. I may be a little too strict, but there seems to be a small punctuation problem, the words 'summers' and 'Heavens' seem to lack the apostrophe. Or is it your way of writing?
(Sorry if this does not help, I am an amateur reviewer.)
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/deathkid1313
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 9:55pm on Nov 15, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
~