First, this isn't a criticism, just an observation: I'm guessing you are British, or Canadian by the spelling used in this story, plus little details like "tram" rather than "train" etc. No matter.
I liked this story. It is sad and painful, but fairly well written.
Nice use of "anaesthetise". Good word!
Here are a few suggestions:
Drop the image of "cubicle" early on. It confuses the scene. I think 'bathroom stall' etc. is fine to use a few times.
"Even her mother a stranger she wouldn’t recognise," maybe add a "was" in there.
I would add "the" in front of "Orphanage became her new home"
In the first paragraph, try chaging this: "And this is just the initial look." to something a little more palatable, such as, "That was just at first glance, and I didn't want to look in there again." Here: "Fact; I had left my thirty-five year old son in charge of the house, and my three dogs. " Drop that semi-colon and avoid that comma before the "and". This phrase bothers me: "soon to be flies;" try changing that to something like, "I was not going to let another generation of these pests infest my home."
In the next paragraph, try changing, "blackened the towel like this knowledge had blackened my hopes" to a differently phrased metaphor, such as "just as this realization had blackened my hopes." In this sentance, "crystal meth's apparently unrelenting beckoning," drop the apparently. It doesn't seem to work there.
Third paragraph: Watch out for this one, "It was not my stuff I felt so despondent about." Don't end your sentence with about, unless it is there to make a point. Try this: "Sentimental objects and other trifles were not the cause of my despondency."
The paragraph that begins, " had been so proud of him for the past 6 years." I think is the best written one in the whole piece. Granted, it is a flashback, but you seem to have some skill in that. Model your other flashback scenes around this flow of ideas. It's good.
Here's a thought. Try having the flashback earlier, then having the story end with her at the top of the stairs, crying. That will show the information we want to know sooner, and then quickly bring us back to reality at the end of the story. Otherwise, we just sort of are floating in flashback land, and then the story is over.
Good work. True or not, this is pretty darn good writing.
I would suggest changing this line: "I run to the forest at night" to "I run through to the forest in the night" or something similar, to match the beat.
For this line, "with eyes filled full of tears" I think it would work better as, "my eyes, filled up with tears."
Perhaps in the last stanza, change "and dance the fairy dance for years," so that it reads, "to dance the fairy dance for years."
Overall, I like it. I suggest those changes. See what you think.
-David
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/david_west
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 10:04am on Nov 16, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
