I've been remiss in keeping up with your new stuff. Somehow you manage to keep the usual Mara instensity in a 13+ story. Very clever. But it was touching too.
I really liked the way you switched the POV from hers to his. It could have been confusing if done badly.
The Dumbledore scene was really well done, perfectly in character.
I saw a few things and copied them as I went. So, here they are. Some are minor technical problems, the others are just suggestions - feel free to use or ignore those as you wish! They should go in order with the story.
(Sorry if I'm ruining your perfect 5 star rating. Mara yelled at me for that too! I've not given out a 5 yet.)
Technically, flawless. I didn't see anything wrong.
It's probably just me but this line;
Though I know I'm not alone here, it is still dark, pitch black, like the bowels of a bottomless well.
...seemed to catch me a little wrong, "bowels" and "well" didn't click. I'm thinking something 'animal like' with 'bowels' . Now, if you added something describing the well as the gaping maw of an animal and your were traped deep inside it - that might do it.
I really liked this one; Unable to move, unable to cry, I lay trapped as my tears mingle with the warm rain.
I didn't see anything technically wrong - grammar, spelling, etc. Not that I'm the best judge, but nothing jumped out at me.
The only thing I thought was a bit odd was the formatting. You use a lot of small paragraphs that I don't think need to be seperated - like the first two, possible three, could easily be one paragraph. Of course, they need to be broken up for dialog...
The characters seem pretty well defined, for just being the first chapter.
Is it really your first attempt? If so, it's very well done.
I'm not really a fan of the marauder era - but this was well done. I like that you started with her running - jumped right into action without a lot of description. Grabs the reader right away.
You might have used the 'rolled eyes' description a little too often? But they seemed appropriate each time.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 5:21pm on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX1.