Woah, interesting, I hope you are going to continue this story.
I have to know who the other guy is. Is she really cheating on him?
Where is the story going?
It's a good start and I enjoyed it. But now I want more. :)
Why wouldn't you wait at a red light? Certainly here cyclists who go through them are called all sorts of bad names and I would never even think about it.
I like the way you caught some of the emotion of riding a bike.
What a wonderful piece of insight into paganism. I hope plenty of people read it and realise what true paganism means. The sooner we go back to understanding the planet and touching nature the better for the whole world.
Keep up the work both the way of life and the writing.
First, I am sorry for only giving you two stars. I actually think that the story is worth more than that
What I liked:
The story. Who wouldn't like to see the dark side of HG? Let's be honest we all wanted her to get Harry rather than Ginny.
Magically bound bet - a good idea and coupled with the Domination spell signals that Harry has lost control and Hermione has won.
Not quite sure if she won the match by faking how bad she was previously or whether it was purely a result of the spell she put on his broomstick.
What I would change:
So many spelling errors I nearly gave up reading it. There not their, Harty not Harry, i not I ....
Too much text speak. Using "U" for "you" is ok on your phone but not when you want to engage your readers.
Use full words for numbers - Two not 2 etc
Please explain what "flattops" are - it might be a geographic thing but even trying google I am none the wiser.
The spell on the broomstick is an integral part of this story, but is diminished by seeming to have been forgotten. Describe more what she did and when. Take us from Harry's seduction to the broomstick and back to bed. Rather than remembering it the next morning.
Why does she jump out of bed and get dressed at 8am but then stay in her room for two hours? What does she do?
Overall there is a good story here which I would like to read. I want to know what she gets Harry to do next. Is this just an exercise in a foot licking fetish or will she take it further? Well done on whetting your reader's appetite in that respect.
Ok, well I don't read much poetry, but maybe I should read more. I used to write a little but what I want to say is I'm not really the right person to give you a review of the technical style of your poem. Also I'm still new here and not done much of this reviewing feature and I am never sure what people are really after.
So, what I can do is tell you how what I read makes me feel. You captured my mind and made me think. Yes, many of us like the summer season but as you declare there are those who don't and this makes you realise that and think about why not. I liked it. It is good to have our views challenged, even if we don't always change our views as a result.
In short, your piece is thought provoking and reads well with a variety of vocabularly.
Well done!
I hope the above was useful and the sort of response you were looking for. Dani.
An interesting read once I got past the first paragraph. I had to read it a couple of times to decide who had turned up on his doorstep. Was it a couple or was it a friend? Eventually I decided it was a couple one of which was a friend.
"Gee, Guy, you must have known that it's my birthday, and look what you've brought me!" (I'd never set eyes on her before.)
I grabbed her elbow and, chattering silliness at her, I led her across the lawn. My car was parked there at the curb and I opened the door for her. 'Dave' stood open-mouthed as I jumped in and we drove away." Here I got confused again - was the friend's name Guy or Dave? If not Guy and "Guy" was used figuratively representing a male then a lower case "G" would have been more appropriate.
Sorry if it seems that's picky.
I did like the way the tale was fluid, however I was disappointed that there was no dialogue at all between the characters. Did you sit in the car all that time and not speak at all? I wanted to learn about each of them by what they said not just your point of view.
The moral ending is good and adds some twist, there is a good story in here but I really think it would be better told using dialogue rather than narrative.
I hope that has been helpful and not overly critical. Dani
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